Done

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Rukia, Jan 12, 2010.

  1. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    The thing I've dreamed about, that has given me some will to live, will never happen. It has been the reason for me to get out of bed in the morning, and every time I've been close to leaving I've reminded myself of this. I'll end it on Thursday, if the guilt doesn't get too strong. I can't keep living if I don't have a reason.

    No one cares if I live or die anyway, so why bother. :sad:
     
  2. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    i urge you to re think your plans, what is making u want to end it all on thursday?? :hug: and alot of us on SF would notice you have gone, i promise you :hug:
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Too many members here would notice and be pained to lose you. Just today, I saw the visitor messages you left of birthday wishes for others. Those little things are the things that are huge to others. And you help so many others with your support.

    Why or what has you feeling so guilty? You've given yourself til Thursday. Please post, and let others have a chance to help you and support you like you have them. Maybe then Thursday can be a new start rather than the end. :arms:
     
  4. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Thursday because it was my grandfather's birthday today and I have to work tomorrow, so it's when I have the first opportunity to go.

    I feel guilty for wanting to leave, because deep down I know that it will hurt many people. The guilt comes in waves, a lot of the time I feel that no one cares and then I don't feel so guilty. I don't have many in my life that actually show that they care. My mom asks me every day how I feel, but she always expect me to say that I'm ok. It's not so hard to see that I'm not doing so good, my mask can't be that good, right? I really need help, but I won't be able to ask for it.
     
  5. 1234

    1234 Active Member

    Im sorry... May I ask why you want to die?
     
  6. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I want to die right now because I don't have any reason to want to live anymore. But that is just what triggers me today, I've been suicidal for soooooooooo long.
     
  7. 1234

    1234 Active Member

    I guess that's a good thing, that you keep on living. But don't you want to live to love and be loved? I thought that's why we all want to live?
     
  8. 1234

    1234 Active Member

    Oh and btw a hug would do you well. Try to see if anyone can give you a hug.
     
  9. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    Loving someone usually mean getting hurt, and I don't want to live just so I can get hurt more.

    A hug would help much, but I don't think I'll get many hugs in the near future since not many show that they care.
     
  10. 1234

    1234 Active Member

    Loving someone is to give, which means that you loose something. Being loved back is getting that in balance. If you have lost the one you love you should know that life is a gift. I would give you a hug if you live nearby. And I would honestly make you feel better.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2010
  11. 1234

    1234 Active Member

    Do you actually live in norway?
     
  12. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I always love people more than they love me, and I always end up getting hurt. Don't think my heart will heal this time.

    Yes, I live in Norway.
     
  13. 1234

    1234 Active Member

    Your heart will never heal from the what you have experienced.
    This is at least the way I see it. Personally I will never feel complete again. This is why I spend all my time hating myself for being half-good.

    But there is a reason for all your suffering. The reason is not destiny, God or anything like that. The reason is that you are strong enough to handle it. If you were not strong enough, you would never have been where you are now.

    Think about it... Its like a diamond... A diamond starts as a black stone of only carbon... A useless stone nobody wants except in their fireplace. But that very stone, placed in the right spot, for a long period of time, can become a diamond. A pure , beautiful, precious stone that everybody wants.

    That is like you. You are suffering now. But gradually you have or will become a diamond. Your heart may never heal, and that is how you will remember who you are and where you come from.

    The reason why you love other people more than they love you is because you need their love more. Not because they don't love you. This is something probably don't understand now. But eventually you will see how much another person can love you.

    Og det er interessant at du bor i Norge siden jeg snakker norsk...
     
  14. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    If my mind is at the same place in 12 hours, then I'll get ready to go. I don't have a reason to live anymore. :sad:
     
  15. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    please rethink your plans :( too many people around on SF would notice you were gone :hug: please get some support/help, get back in touch with old friends, do whatever you have to in order to get some beneficial support :arms: keep posting :)
     
  16. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I had to go to work for a few hours, so it won't happen today. :sad:
     
  17. 1234

    1234 Active Member

    Look... You are not going to kill yourself. You just want a good life and to be loved. And you want it badly. And I understand. I cannot stop you from hurting yourself and you know that. But I would appreciate if you could give me/us some more time to talk about this. Maybe I actually can help you? Have you ever thought about that? Because the way I see it, I think I can!

    Truly, If you where to die... People would eventually find another "diamond". But I don't want another diamond. That is why I care about you. That is why I want to help you.

    Besides, maybe I could need you to? If you want to be a slave of your own mind, feel free. But if you want to be a master of your own mind, you will have to work on it. And work takes time, will and a good teacher. It's up to you...
     
  18. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I can't ask for a better life, my life is good in so many ways, but I just can't enjoy it. And there is so many people in my life that I love and that love me. The only thing missing is that special someone, and I think it's best that way. I know I'm not nice if people get too close to me.

    It's all in my head. My will to fight is almost gone. I've been suicidal for so long, I hope that I'd die during the night no matter how good my day has been.
     
  19. 1234

    1234 Active Member

    You said earlier that not many people seem to care for you. But now you are saying that there are many people that love you. May you explain this?
     
  20. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    A lot of the time I feel that they don't care, but I know deep down that they do. They just don't show it as much as I need them to.