Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Wastingecho, Jun 10, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    still the same person i was when i found this place and it's somebody i can't live with anymore

    sick of falling short of what people need, of continually hurting those i love

    i have to complete a self-appraisal for my job by tomorrow morning and the more i look at myself, the more i realize that i am just taking up space and breathing someone else's oxygen

    i keep going to work then going home, but i don't belong at either. i am useless, worthless and i know i'm going to die alone

    all i can do is pick the circmstance
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You aren't just taking up space; you matter too.

    Who do you feel like you're hurting?
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i've completely grown apart from my family - they don't even notice if i'm in the same room

    i don't know what i feel for my wife any more, just that it isn't love, more like inertia - i don't have a real partner, that fell by the wayside a long time ago

    met someone that i do truly connect with but i can't be there for her and she deserves more because she has such a beautiful soul

    been back at work for only 2 weeks and have failed my first assignment, just like i was failing before i went on disability

    i'm failing at work, at home, at relationships, at life

    and there are so many exits here that are calling to me, so simple, so quick

    i won't have to worry about failing people any more after that
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Maybe you need to talk to your family, or at least your wife? Find out how she feels and let her know what your feelings are. If you feel you don't have a real partner, it's something you both need to talk about, because you deserve to be happy.

    You're underestimating yourself, because you have a kind, caring soul too. I've seen that since the first day you were on this site, and you've proven it many times.

    I'm obviously not going to go into details, but exits aren't simple or quick.
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    have talked - but nothing changes for long and then it just goes back to what it was

    and it doesn't change anything else either - i'll still be a failure

    i hate crying on the train, and in the subway, and in the bathroom

    i can't go one day without tears

    this is not a way to live, i'm barely existing - can hardly breathe
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2010
  6. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

  7. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    hey, if it helps, you matter to liz, and i know she matters to you, and well, i think you should stick around at least for now just for her- she needs you and i know you want to be here for her

    youre a truely amazing person, and im glad to have made your acquaintance, and i couldnt be happier that youre here
  8. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Please don't put yourself in the ground.

  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    how do i keep going when it's always one step forward two steps back?
  10. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    in rudolph, the winter warlock changed and became good! jut put one foot in front of the other and soon youll be walkin cross the flooooor

    its not gunna be easy but nothing ever worth doing is
  11. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we need you here
  12. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i just don't know that i'd be walking toward anything
  13. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    well not walk and see where you end up?
  14. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I cant promise you that it is going to be easy, or pain free, but there are other options for you.....choices you can make about your life, new connections, new relationships, careers, a new life, you are not trapped in the hell you are in now.
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey echo..don't are a big part of this forum and there are many people here who need you...
    I understand how you're feeling about your relationship..I've been there....
    have you considered marriage counceling so you can talk to your wife about how you feel?
    I was at a point where I had 2 choices in life:
    1-leave in a box
    2-leave my marriage..
    I left the marriage...
    you have other choices echo...death is not the only way....:hug:
  16. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    :wub: you sooo much :hug: Hang in there hun you are sooo much stronger than you give yourself credit for :cheekkiss:
  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    self appraisal put caring individual who reaches out to help others. i have grown apart from my relationship as well it is called depression it does not pushes people away. You need some marriage councilling then get it okay get some more help to deal with the negative thoughts more therapy with a psychologist who can help you change those thoughts about you. You are worth the fight hell yes it will be hard but nothing is easy in this dam life you are worth it and so it your wife okay marriage coucnilling CBT with a good psychologist keep trying okay just one step forward is all that is needed.
  18. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    Echo i was hoping so much al this time that the break from your work would do you some good and give you some new strength to work on yourself, you have done so much here and helped alot of needy people here and some of us cant emagine this place without you anymore. please hang in there and take thing step by step. babysteps only. you may feel trapped but i ensure you you are not you have just not found a way to feel better yet, but it is there.hang in there
  19. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    wife made me shut down the pc last night so i wouldn't stay up past midnight, then ambushed me in the bedroom (not in a good way)

    telling me that i'm spending too much time on the forum and with the people i met here, that i need to just get over myself and talk to a therapist then made references about having me hospitalized again

    she knows how much i'm afraid of the hospital and i've been to therapist, et al and i can't talk to them, i don't trust them, i freeze up on them and retreat to my own little personal circle of hell - this is why i can no longer talk to her, she doesn't listen to a damned thing i say

    she kept pushing and pushing until i finally started sobbing - then all she did was hand me tissues, look at me for a few minutes, then leave the room

    i felt abandoned and that feeling still haunts me this morning
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    this self-appraisal at work is making me sick

    it's due by the end of the day, i have to finish a 90-min online class to learn how to do it, the class material makes no fucking sense

    make it simple - i'm useless and contributed nothing last year

    i can't even look at the rating criteria any more because it just drives home how worthless i am

    i can't do this i can't do this i can't do this

    i want to scream i can't breathe i want to hide
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