Don't belong here and ignored.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheBLA, Feb 9, 2008.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I don't think I have ever belonged, or if I have, I'd have it taken away from me swiftly. Like I've been here for a long time but don't know anyone bascially, vice versa.

    I know its at least partially my fault, I just make isolated posts and go away, am I afraid of making relationships? People offer me to PM them and they'll listen to me and I never do.

    Also, I think I'm ignored here because I am right now only depressed and think about suicide, but don't have plans to do it soon, haven't attempted, etc. I feel that I will eventually.

    I don't blame you guys, the people that actually are in danger of commiting suicide right now take priority. Maybe I should go to another forum for just depressed people, not immediately suicidal people like this one? :unsure:

    And plus there's so many people here, I'm just lost in the ocean. Sorry to sound greedy, but I feel like I need more attention and everyone else will get it and I won't because there aren't enough resources to go around.

    I feel like I'm being patronized here sometimes and I bare my soul (or try to at least) and then get short generic replies sometimes. Sorry if I've offended anyone.
  2. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    ...At least you're being honest. :unsure:

    It feels like that sometimes.

    I don't know if you remember the PM I sent you forever ago (I don't blame you for not, it probably didn't even make sense :laugh:), but it still holds true.

    Life ain't easy, things aren't easy, and sometimes to deal we unconsciously push away any other prospect of hurt, other people being one of them. Now I don't know if that's the case for you, but maybe you're afraid of connecting because you're afraid of being hurt and such. Or maybe you think you're a hindrance?

    I hope you never go anywhere. You're not ignored. I've read several of your posts, just 90% of the time don't know how to respond because I'm unaware of the response for which you search and I'd hate to aggravate the situation.

    I'm still around if you ever want to talk. You don't have to be lost in the ocean, you're welcome to my boat - I mean... PM box. :unsure:

    It's hard to convey genuineness over the 'net, but please, without hesitation, use my offer for PM if ever you feel you need to. :smile:

  3. Rahul...

    Your honesty is as refreshing as your being non-judgemental. For some, it is hard to find their voice, and also to be heard. I'm sorry that you're going through this terrible depression - with or without concrete suicidal thoughts, it's a horrible burden to bear, and I can hear the pain that you are trying to express.

    And what was said by The_Discarded was very insightful. DO think about some of those things...Getting to know oneself is a lifetime's occupation (though we're not often taught to do this - and some do not even know to start). I know you feel like one small drop in the ocean - the truth is that we all are, but together we create the flow, and sometimes it must start from within ourselves. I also know that you probably feel powerless to do so - but you've been here for quite some time now - ask yourself - "what do I want - what do I wish for?". (Perhaps even, "Have I changed in this time? And if so, how?") And as for the former questions, even if you think you cannot have these things right away, it might help to define them more clearly inside yourself, and go from there... (I, myself, have had to take many "baby steps", even to come to a place of beginning again...)

    I would also suggest expanding your horizons! Yes, do go to other forums (though not away from here necessarily...). I helped me, personally, in the long run, to try and find as many resources as I could. You need not at all limit yourself to one group, or one place, but to seek 'connection', from again, as many places as you feel comfortable reaching out to (that includes what is available in your own immediate community, and not just The Net - be it a doctor you trust, or a regular counsellor, or a 'crisis' hotline (perhaps just to talk and be listened to - but also that they may be able to provide you with other links you may not have been aware of...).

    I have run the gamut of all these things - some helped more than others...and some, very little indeed...

    I --- I think - that is I know - when one is depressed and has very little energy (nevermind hope), it feels like an impossible task to go about seeking such resources. And there are no guarantees in this life, not of anything, but even if you must gather your energy and take time to do such things that might help you, there are possibilities...

    Truly, I can't give anyone any more advice than this, as I know what depression does to a soul and mind; That is -to try...

    Even your being here this long may be a tiny, but real sign that you have enough power to hang on. No one would have been previously able to convince me that I possessed it myself. But I am still here in this world (which is as much a surprise to me as anyone else I know!). I hope at least some small part of what I've written was helpful to you...

    (OMG - I just realized how long this post is! Sorry!!)
  4. justgettinby

    justgettinby Well-Known Member

    I felt much the same for a while. But keep posting, even if it's not your own thread. Eventually people will get used to seeing your name and be more inclined to reply to threads that you start yourself. I've been on here for about 3 weeks now and I'm finally starting to make some connections and get consistent feedback. So give it some time, you might get the support you're looking for.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad to see you posting rahul. I know just how difficult a thing it is for you to do. I am sorry if you feel ignored by the members here. I know it is not my intention in the least. The fact that you may not be suicidal at the present time does not make you any less valuable here. Depression is a difficult thing to live with. It is a big deal. It effects people in a negative manner and can eventually lead to further medical complications. As FAL1 mentions, finding other forums is not a bad idea. It does not mean you would have to leave here. It is simply finding another means of support in addition to what you can receive here. I hope that you can someday open up and share how you feel and what your issues are. It can be here or elsewhere. The important thing is that you feel comfortable wherever you may be. You have not gone unnoticed here. :hug:
  6. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    Hi, Rahul. I am glad you got ur new laptop. How have ur life been lately? How is college and how close are you to graduation?
    You were born in this world for a reason. If you didn't have purpose in this world, you wouldn't have been born. No one is given a life that he/she can't handle. Otherwise, I don' t see a point in creating a life that ends itself.
    Rahul, there are currently 6.64 billion people in this world. You know how many million people are, right? That is 6640 X 1 million people? Imagine how crowded our planet is.
    Out of those people, there are indeed many people who love life, enjoy life, feel fulfilling about life and can't wait to wake each day to live life. We can be like them.
    First, you need to start with positive attitude, optimism, and work-ethic. Keep fighting for ur ambitions and never let ur depression win. It is possible to live through ur obstacles.
    One day, u will say, "It wasn't as bad as I thought it were. Life is indeed great, wonderful and worth living."
    Please keep fighting.

  7. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies.

    I just have no support anywhere, I am completely alone, I have nobody. I mean, nobody around me understands depression, my parents get pissed off at me for being depressed, I am not supposed to be depressed. Nobody else in my community (Indians) is depressed or thinks about suicide. I am the only one in my situation in my real pathetic life. I know at least I am not alone ere, with people sharing at least some of my circumstances.

    And I feel like everyone else will get help except for me, I will be the one ignored, to slip through the cracks. I feel I am whining and over dramaticizing sometimes. I have to be forced to act normal several times, try hard to hide my depression. My dad thinks I "act depressed" sometimes just to get attention or to tick him off.

    What if I have so many problems in my life, that I am so messed up and lacking in so many skills and other things, that I really cannot be helped and I HAVE to commit suicide? I am young and thats bad, that just means I face much more time of this suffering and pain of being inferior to everyone else and being so underdeveloped when I am supposed to become so successful because I am fucking Indian. They think I am going to become successful, I won't.

    I am wondering for those that have read my posts, if I am not conveying my problems exactly, if I am being too vague in my posts?

    Another bad thing is an asshole friend of my dad somehow found I post here and I bet he reads all my posts and will tell my dad and he's reading them as well. I have nothing, nothing goes my way. Just great.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2008
  8. Rahul...

    I think you explain yourself quite well actually - I'd like to offer, kindly, that you seem to have answered a lot of your own questions just as soon as you asked them - in your first post in this thread...

    I'd 'suggested' in my reply that you might try to expand your horizons. However, if this forum is all you feel you are able to invest in at this time, then perhaps you might [purposely] make it a more regular/frequent and ongoing thing, in order to feel less "disconnected" (as many of us here feel/have felt)...

    Saying that, I hope that Internet access is not another difficulty you're encountering...yet it could be a small, 'achievable' goal/mission to endeavour in... and do this for you...
  9. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Internet connection is not a problem for me thankfully. What I meant by me not being a good explainer is that I have been on these forums for 2.5 years and still have not completely told people what makes me depressed and suicidal, not given the reasons. My depression is not chemical for sure, its because of my many pathetic circumstances. Damn, I bet I could easily explain what makes me tick but something is holding me back. Its also that around me in real life, nobody else is depressed, I am the only one in my real life circle of people I know. My Indian culture is not "depression friendly"

    I got used to these forums, I wouldn't feel comfortable going to a new forum with new people, etc. Though it probably wouldn't hurt to broaden my incredibly small horizons. I had to move several times in my life and I absolutely hated it, messed me up, don't want to do that here as well? :unsure:
  10. pillowperson27

    pillowperson27 Active Member

    your parents are just from a different generation and don't quite understand the realities of depression. mine are too, so they never really believe in depression and i've never gotten support from them because they just simply disregard that "ridiculous" idea, coming from a Chinese culture. recently turned 23, no work yet, still going to school. i should have graduated long ago... but switch majors too often and am now in the process of losing financial aid. i live in a basement alone in some strangers house, i don't like to be with family, they don't offer support, except money, which i happily take. i'm going to find work in the next week though, because i realize that if i were to get better, i have to do a little something in my life and cut off all financial support from my parents. still, depression, it kills. well, there i go rambling on again. this is not an advice, but you should do something to make you happier instead of just moping around, or else it will get worse, not better. anyway, have you ever seen the movie "Reign Over Me" ? A fantastic film about a guy suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. but i just call it depression, its something i relate to, at least.
  11. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I do feel that I will always slip through the cracks, there are so many people here worse off than me and many more that join this site everyday, I feel that no resources will go to me. I think I will have to wait and get more depressed and actually attempt suicide or harm myself to get help? :mellow:

    I know I do not fit here, not connected to this forum or its members and its mostly (if not all) my fault, I'm doing something wrong.
  12. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    It depends what you actually want out of this forum. But it's up to you to make an effort to fit in - other people who find it just as difficult to make friends in real life have managed to. I don't think it's true that you'll need to get more depressed. It's more that you give the impression that you think people here don't like you. If you cut those sentences out and talk more about your problems and not talk about not fitting in here, then you might stand a better chance of making some friends.
  13. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Rahul, as I have told you before, your problems are not any less significant than anyone else's. I don't think you need to do anything differently to get help here. You need to accept it when it is offered to you. I do not see people here disliking you. You haven't given them any reason to. I think you tell yourself so often that no one likes you or should spend time on you that you believe it. Change is not easy, but I think you have taken the first step. You are reaching out ever so slightly. Keep wading in as you feel comfortable.there are those, including me, that will listen. Take care always. :hug:
  14. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    I'm here if you want to talk hun :hug:
  15. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I know you guys don't dislike me, I haven't done anything to cause that, the most I could do is be annoying by repeating the same stuff over and over again, I do that in real life too.

    Yeah, the thing is that I cannot make connections, get involved. I need to reply to people's PMs, PM other guys, go into chat, etc. I wonder why I am not doing this. Hmm....

    I know, if I make no effort, I will get nothing in return, especially here. Sigh, gotta get up and do something, make some progress, here and in my life!

    I am thankful that you guys are reaching out to help me , nobody understands me in the real world, with the people I know and know me. I need to reach out to you guys too......
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 2, 2008
  16. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    We are here when you are ready hun. Maybe after you have become comfortable with us here, it will transfer a bit into real life, make that transition a little easier. Thinking of you. :)
  17. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    I haven't talked to you a whole lot, but you've been here for a long time Rahul, and I don't think you should leave. I think everyone gets better, and then gets worse at times ofcourse. And yeah, most new members who come in are usually higher priority, but we still have chat, and stuff like that. I think those things are usually for the 'talk it out', and usually you can get a buddy or PM someone on the forums / Chat.
  18. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    It'd be quite hard to keep tabs on/up with everyone here. Funny thing is I sorta feel like I don't belong..... yet keep comin back & back. :freddy:
  19. Peppermint

    Peppermint Member

    I absolutely get where you're coming from, Rahul. I feel the same way about this forum. There are these cliques of people who are friends and sincerely care about each other and have been here a long time, there's no room for newbies. The chat is that way too, always the same people, talking about their private friendship stuff no one else understands.

    I know it's hard to be heard when there are thousands of members, and the new ones are always like third wheels in an already perfect group. I know I also don't like talking about personal stuff and I don't trust people, I believe nobody could care less. I guess those beliefs feed my feelings of this site and vice versa. But there's nothing to do about that.

    On this forum people are either a part of a close and caring circle or they're left out. I'm part of the latter group. I guess that's why I'm not enthusiastic about this place anymore, or believe in it.
  20. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Mmmm...hasn't the OP brought some interesting things to light?! It can be difficult in a forum like this because it is so large and people do seem to post everyday. Great for the turnover of support but not so good for those that aren't very good at talking and pushing themselves to the front of the queue. Clique are natural everywhere, it'd be silly to expect them not to be on here as well - i feel at times they are actually needed too. I wonder how many people on here have found a friend on here who they now go to instead of writing a public post? My only worry is that depressed friends can actually drag each other down - but thats another issue.

    So the question is - how do we help those that don't feel included? Prehaps it may be time to relook at how this forum is set up to ensure that support is given where it is needed the most. I agree with gentlylady that everyone's pain is just as significant as anyone elses, because it is impossible to grade pain. But prehaps there have been a few too many posts recently that aren't exactly in line with this pro life forum. These are the ones that do seem to get a lot of attention so it seems reasonable that those suffering from long term depression do often feel as though the only way to get real help is by going to that edge.

    It is not. I feel a great deal for those who do feel suicidal but this is exactly the time where i feel we need to support those to get professional help not to lament that they are right in the way they feel. I am not saying that we shouldn't post our understanding of their feelings as i realise this forum attempts to reduce the isolation of suicidal people but i just feel at times that simple agreement is neither helpful nor needed.

    To the OP - clinical depression is an illness. Ok, some people can become depressed and not need professional interventions because at times depression is a natural reaction e.g. to the death of a love one, the loss of a job, moving cities etc. Sometimes though these people can get 'stuck' in the depression part of the cycle and need help to get out, if it has been 2.5years that you have had this depression then you need to get professional help - either through anti-depressants or therapy (or both). Depression can also have a biological but you said there are reasons for your depression so i won't go down that route.
    I understand that you live in a culture that sees depression as a weakness but this is exactly the stigmatism millions of mentally ill people have to deal with everyday. I don't exactly shout from the roof tops about my depression either! But just because people are ignorant about depression does not mean that you need to hide how you feel and not seek help. I'm not sure how old you are but you don't need your families permission to go to the doctors. Doctors have a thing called patient-doctor confidentiality so even if your dr is a close friend of your dads he still cannot say anything (if he does he is in breach of this code).
    Depression makes you feel as though you are worthless. If your family do not understand this illness and are telling you the same thing then of course you will feel like nothing matters anymore. So this is why people on here should advocate that you seek help. I know it is hard to do anything when depression has you in its grips but you need to do this for yourself. Noone else seems willing or able to do it for you but you still have that opportunity. You don't need to suffer like this anymore - help yourself and in the meantime teach your family and community that depression is nothing to be ashamed of - it is an illness just like any other and it can be beaten!!!!
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