Don't Care

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ozinuk, Mar 29, 2010.

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  1. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    I don't care about anything or anyone any more. There is nothing left to keep me here my youngest daughter is due to have a baby in june and that's not enough to keep me here. I don't care :blub: I'm dead inside there is no happiness, joy, love nothing for me, why go on when these life's simple pleasures no longer exist, every days the same cold, lonely and emotionless coupled with the pain of life it becomes intolerable a waking nightmare. I can't exist like this it's too painful to predictable :blub: :blub: :blub:
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    With a grandchild on the way life will change be less predictable. funny how a baby can do that to you. I hope you can try talking to a therapist abt your sadness maybe change up your medication as you do need some help to pull yourself out of the place you are in. Hold on okay your daughter will need your support and it will give you a new purpose in life helping her with your new grandchild. take care of you okay try
     
  3. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    Therapists can't fix squat I am the way I am partly because of therapists. My life has been over for sometime the last thing my daughter needs is to have a broken grandfather for her child.:blub: They are all far better off without me, I have bought nothing but misery and hurt to their lives since 1995 and I can do it no longer. Her child will never know me. :sad:

    Tonight seems a good night to finish getting my house in order I haven't much to do now. Hopefully it will all end tonight with my rope as my companion.:blub: :lone:
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Your grandchild would NEVER be better off not knowing you. You are a kind, caring, compassionate person, and your grandchild would be lucky to get the chance to know you and learn your values through you.

    The horrible things that have happened to you in your life aren't your fault. You've been hurt and let down time and time again, by the mental health services and the people who were supposed to care about you. But you still have a family ... daughters who love you and need you, and an unborn grandchild who could learn so much through you, on how to truly be a good person (because whether you believe this or not, you ARE a good person).

    Please, keep leaning on us, and lean on them too. :hug: A little tiny part of you does still care; it's something I can see from your posts.
     
  5. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    My values are also part of the problem and I hope my daughter passes on values which are instep with the world today because my values and myself are an anachronism and inflicting her child with those values is a bad start to life. What have I to pass on how to be a good soldier, a bad father, even worse husband I have nothing of value to offer him I only hope I taught my daughters enough to be there for him as I wasn't for them. It's shameful abandoning my children in search of "happiness" I deserve everything I get and more :blub: I hate myself with a passion I am loathsome I am worthless :lone: :blub:
     
  6. summerschild

    summerschild Well-Known Member

    Ms

    To have values which are not instep with the world can be a good thing if they are good values. You are a loving, caring person. Right now you can't see that. But we can. We see things in you that we care about. Your grandchild needs you. Your daughters need you. You do not deserve the hell you are in. You deserve to be happy. You are not loathsome and worthless. You are precious and valuable. I know I treasure every memory I have of my grandparents. Don't take that away from your unborn grandchild. He deserves to have a loving, caring grandfather like you in his life.
     
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    don't do it Steve....if you are about to become a grandfather your life will change.....grandparents are a big part of a childs life and they will love you unconditionally...
    are you in the same country as your girls?..I think I remember you are in Uk and they are in Oz?.
    you are a good person...I can read that in your posts ...if you weren't you wouldn't be feeling the way you do now...only good people have a concience..
    Your daughters will not be better off without you .....imagine the grief that will hit them and overshadow the birth of the baby if you go..
    sorry to be so harsh but I want you to stay alive and get more help so you can be a part of your new family...
    I would give the world to have my parents back ..with all their faults ( we all have faults) I still love them....
    I know you feel there is no help for you but please try again.....HUGS
     
  8. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    Had an email off my wife here's a bit of it and she's never spoken a truer word and reinforced what I've believed for so long :sad:

    You selfish bastard you're not content to f**k your own life up you want to f**k up everyone elses as well. Well let me tell you something you worthless piece of sh*t you'd be doing us all a favour by getting rid of the rubbish. What I saw in you I don't know and the old sayings right don't judge a book by it's cover the cover to this book was great but the story line turned out to be a flop christ my friends use to be envious of me, they didn't know you.
    I should have realised what you were like at the christmas party when you gave the old tramp your meal and money who the f**k did I marry a man who took no sh*t instead you turned out to be Mother Theresa, you never stopped feeling concern about these down and outs so give me a break they're homeless for a reason don't you get that, help to save a few people f**k you can't even save yourself.
    Why did you let me slap you around, why didn't you retaliate because if you did I would have had a much easier time explaining why I got rid of you if you'd have hit me they would have sided with me instead I lost a lot of friends.

    And it goes on and on and on. The funny thing is she is right I am worthless, she lost friends.......................I HATE MYSELF so much :depressed: knowing I affected her life the way I did I need this to stop it has to :blub: :blub: :blub:
     
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    OMG....at the risk of offending..
    sorry Steve but you are way better than your ex....she sounds so controlling ....and the way she knocks your self esteem is disgraceful....
    no wonder you feel like you do......
    she refers to you as a "mother theresa" so that proves you are a good , kind hearted person....
    she also said that she lost friends because of the breakup because they took your side....maybe that's because they like you better......
    and she slapped you around??????......that's bullying and domestic violence....
    you are so better off away from this woman even if you still have feelings for her.......
    she's bad news for someone with self esteem issues...
    sorry Steve if I seem harsh here but I really get on my soap box when I hear stories like this.....
    I have lived with people like this and now choose not to put up with it again..
    I would hope you don't take anything she says about you on board as it's just making you feel worse....easier said than done I know....
    what she's saying is to keep some sort of control over you and she is certainly not worth you hurting yourself over....
    wonder have you ever had CBT ?....
    hope I haven't offended....don't mean to..just concerned...
    take care and BIG hugs....
     
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    OMG!!!! :arms: She's not right. What you did for that homeless guy was amazing!!! If more people did nice things like that, this world would be a better place.

    Please try not to listen to what she said. You're NOT a bad person. You are just the opposite.

    :hug:
     
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Steve,
    You really should stick around for your grandchild.. It's well worth it.. Mine is eight years old now.. When we see each other she gives the best hugs..She hangs on and doesn't let go or she just climbs up and sits on my lap and we talk..
    Don't take that away from her..Granchildren are completely different than your own children..Give her a chance to love you..
    As far as your ex goes.. I would take that with a grain of salt.. She doesn't know you and it's her own fault that she is your ex!!!Don't let her control you and mess with your head..Take care!!
     
  12. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    I hear what you're saying but facts are facts it's the second time round and 2 failed marriages for basically the same reason tells the story. :blub: I just swallowed a meds to put me out I need to sleep I need to dream I need to rest but my ptsd rarely allows me that luxury. I hate what I am, what I've become and I hate what I've done I just hate myself :sorry: :cry:
     
  13. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    i can really identify with you...
    different details....
    minor changes in story...

    so is this how we are supposed to feel?
     
  14. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Wow, your wife sounds like a real, er, negative person. And that's being nice.

    If she carries that kind of attitude, it has nothing to do with you, that's her. Good heavens most ladies would love being with a man who cares about helping others.

    Please don't leave your grandson without his grandpa. It sounds like he's going to need someone in his life who isn't going to be judgemental. Even if you've made mistakes in the past, it doesn't mean they have to continue. You can be there for your daughter, and her son. I know that it can feel like the best thing we can do for others is to get rid of ourselves, but that is OUR feeling, not theirs. My dad was hardly a good father, he was horrible. But, I can't imagine anything worse than if he would have committed suicide while I was pregnant. Please don't do this to them, or to you.

    And tell your ex-wife to fore-go any further e-mails.
     
  15. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    If you're told how worthless you are enough times you can't help but believe it because why would they say these things so often if they were'nt true. :blub: I left my 2 girls to persue my own happiness that's unforgivable I've just let so many people down as a result of that one action. :blub: :blub: :lone:
     
  16. summerschild

    summerschild Well-Known Member

    Ok then by that logic if you are told that you are valuable enough (and you are you are you are you are) then you should believe it also. You may have left your girls but you are here now and THAT is what counts in the long run. You cannot change the past but you can change the future. And you can do that by staying. You are a wonderful person. We need you. ((hugs))
     
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you are not worthless...you have been brainwashed into believing that steve...
    we seem to pick the same sort of people in our lives who know exactly how to keep us under their control...so maybe both your wives were the same????
    I have a failed marriage and a failed long term (13 years) relationship and both these men were controling and manipulative with no respect for me...I blamed myself.....
    from years of therapy I've learnt it wasn't all my fault but I could only see what I'd done wrong and not how they were treating me.....
    I have recently had to deal with my ex husband because of the loss of our son and I've had this huge awakening of what an ass he is....I just couldn't see it while I still blamed myself....
    just recently I ran into a mutual friend of my ex partner and she told me some awful truths about him that she was afraid to share with me when I was with him....I felt so much better after hearing that....it wasn't all my fault the relationship failed...
    what I'm trying to say with my waffling is ...don't blame yourself.....
    do you want to share what happened with your daughters?...why you think you left them?....maybe we could help you with that....
    take care..hugs
     
  18. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I heard that I was worthless from birth. My mom use to beat me, bad enough to be hospitalized once, and then make me get down on my knees and apologize to her for making her beat me. Should I believe that I am worthless because one very screwed up person tried to burden me with their emotional issues? No. Just because someone else tries to destroy you because they hurt, doesn't make what they say true.

    Okay, maybe you let your girls down once. Do you really want to do that again, or take this chance to make up for it? Do you really believe in your heart that your taking your life while your daughter is pregnant wouldn't completely devastate her? Use this time to be there for your daughters. You're not worthless, no one is. Please choose to help yourself, and them.
     
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