don't deserve to be happy

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by letmego3, Mar 22, 2013.

  1. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    I suffer from depression and have not been able to experience happiness or excitement about anything. Most days I hate being alive and think of suicide but I stay here because of karma and stuff. I keep feeling guilty for being a screw up and beat myself up and then I get depressed. I can't find a job and my family are disappointed. The more I feel ashamed the more I get depressed so it makes me more screwed up than I was before so it is a vicious cycle. But I am starting to find some interests and get excited about doing things in my life and I have had some happy days lately. But I keep getting triggered by one thing after another. I am quite sensitive to judgment and criticism. Just one comment made by someone in my family can send me into several days of depression and it is very frustrating. It takes me time to build momentum and keep my head above the water but only a few minutes to crash. I don't know if I have the strength to keep getting up each time because it happens every other day. But maybe I deserve it because I have disappointed people and I am a screw up and therefore I should be suffering. I just don't know.
  2. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    I think I know the answer. That is I must try to live this life with as much positive attitude as I can. The depression clouds by ability to think clearly so I doubt myself from time to to time. I don't want depression to be part of my life whether I am suppose to experience it or not. It is too much torture to put up with any longer. I will keep fighting my depression to my death because I hate it. I'm sick and tired of those people who continually cause me to relapse. I will just get on with my life now.
  3. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I wish I could help you. Hope you have support in your recovery journey irl as well as coming on here. Depression clouds my judgement considerably. It also makes it impossible for me to be positive about anything. People on here have given me that. I couldn't / can't make the moves without them (you all :) ). I wish you well.
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Being sensitive to judgments and criticism can make potential recoveries seem a lot harder than what they are.

    When it comes to family based comments, if they are disappointed in you, it's not worth listening to. You are who you are, if they can't accept that, they are the ones with that issue, not you.

    But I think you have found the right attitude to have, to want to get on with your life on top of realising that depression clouds clear thinking capacity. Tis a good thing to go for a positive approach - fighting depression isn't easy, but making it more manageable to live with is better than how you were.

    We can blame others for our relapses, but ultimately we are the ones who control what affects us.
  5. letmego3

    letmego3 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your replies. Well today is a depressing day for me. I have tried but nothing is working long term. I just don't know what to do. Its too much to put into words now. But thank you for your kind replies.