I suffer from depression and have not been able to experience happiness or excitement about anything. Most days I hate being alive and think of suicide but I stay here because of karma and stuff. I keep feeling guilty for being a screw up and beat myself up and then I get depressed. I can't find a job and my family are disappointed. The more I feel ashamed the more I get depressed so it makes me more screwed up than I was before so it is a vicious cycle. But I am starting to find some interests and get excited about doing things in my life and I have had some happy days lately. But I keep getting triggered by one thing after another. I am quite sensitive to judgment and criticism. Just one comment made by someone in my family can send me into several days of depression and it is very frustrating. It takes me time to build momentum and keep my head above the water but only a few minutes to crash. I don't know if I have the strength to keep getting up each time because it happens every other day. But maybe I deserve it because I have disappointed people and I am a screw up and therefore I should be suffering. I just don't know.