Don't Deserve To Breathe

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anam_Cara, Sep 2, 2008.

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  1. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    i have stayed away from this forum for a while now, tonight is to be my last visit here.. only coming to say goodbye for good and to tell everyone who "lied" to me and said i'd be alright that they were WRONG.. i'm not okay, my life is NOT okay, NOTHING is okay... im never believing anyone ever again, nor believing that anyone could care about me.. im a piece of s**t that doesnt deserve to breathe or exist.. i've ruined the lives of those who loved me the most in my ignorance, ive destroyed the life of the one i love, ive been a burden to my family and friends, and i am not believing anyone anymore when they tell me things can get better.. Everything has gotten WORSE not better... i am NOTHING, WORTHLESS, A PIECE OF S**T, UNLOVEABLE, UNWANTED, UGLY, HIDIOUS, EVIL... i need to be destroyed.. and am seeing to that at present.. with luck i wont wake up and see another sunrise.. my life is a hell i created and can never escape from but through death... even then i know i will suffer eternally as i DESERVE to...
     
  2. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    If you are unwanted, then why do I not want you to go? How are you worthless, when I believe you are making a mistake, because of your worth? You say your are evil, you are unloveable, you are nothing, but I say you are telling yourself this to go down that one way road.

    You have a distorted view of reality right now. You need to please seek help, and right now. I know people on here care. I do. Why would I want to lie to you? Why would I bother to post, IF I DID NOT CARE.

    It's because I DO, whether you want me to or not.

    It's time to seek help now. For all of us, especially YOU.

    I can't hug you in person, if I could, I would. But I'm honest to God worried about you right now. Please, seek help now. I want to see you post here. I want to see you ALIVE.
     
  3. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    you do not even know me, or what i've done, what pain ive caused the one who loves me most.. you do not know me... i am another "name" on a forum, faceless and unimportant.. this forum is pro-life of course others are going to tell me they care and want me okay.. that's the job of this forum.. and it worked for me.. for a while.. but not anymore..

    my reality is not distorted by any means, for the first time it is clear and i see what a piece of s**t i have been, and the wake of devastation it has caused in the person i love and those around me.. perhaps there was good in me long ago but it is apparently gone and unseen.. i have lost everything that matters to me... life is empty for it.. a hell i can not seem to escape no matter how painfully i suffer for what i've done it is NOT enough..
     
  4. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    What I do know, is that you are saying you see clear for the first time. And what I see is that you are feeling remorse. Evil people do NOT feel remorse.

    The good in you isn't so gone, or as unseen as you think. I can see something that someone who is good would put because you have the capacity to FEEL remorse.

    A person with an evil heart, cannot.

    I am not a faceless person the the internet, on a forum, but a flesh and blood person like you, who has felt your despair. Regardless of the details, the emotion you are left with, is despair. And in that, we are kindred spirits.

    You may be faceless, but you are not unimportant. I guess I am faceless too. So just for you, my name is Kyle.

    I hope you don't mind, but I will be thinking of you when I pray.

    I have to go to sleep now. I am honestly hoping that when I awake, so too, will you. I mean that.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 3, 2008
  5. Anam_Cara

    Anam_Cara Well-Known Member

    does it truly matter if i am evil or not? i am NOTHING but a burden and ive brought no good to others, only pain and suffering.. my remorse can never compensate for the pain ive caused.. so while i feel "remorse" and i honestly DO feel it, it changes nothing.. the damage is done both within and without.. what i had that was precious to me is LOST for good, and can never be fixed. no magic band-aid.. ive spent the last 24 hours inflicting pain on myself.. and causing myself harm because it is what i DESERVE.. i hope i rot in hell, eternally in the most excruciating pain possible, that wouldnt even make up for what ive caused.. i loathe my existence and curse every breath i take for its not deserved..
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey SJ,
    I also think you have some good left in you. Why don't you go see your ex and sit down and talk!! you should talk about what you have done and that you can't change what happened but you still love her/him. Explain that you are having problems and you made a big mistake and would like to try again. Also that you are going to get into therapy and that you would like Her/Him to attend also so you can show just how bad you feel for what you did.
    A good therapist can show you the right path and teach you coping skills!! No one here at the forum wants to see you give up. There are alot of us who have similar problems and are getting help for it. Please don't harm youself, we consider you as one of us. Stay Safe..:chopper:..
     
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    SJ I try not to ever tell people that everything is going to be sunshine and lollipops and that it's time for the rose colored glasses. I do tell them there is help, they arent alone and that they are important to me. All is said with the most sincere honesty. I dont personally know you but yet I know you better than some of your closest friends. I know your pain, torments and agonies. And I like the other members here are human and cannot look away when we see someone hurting the same as us. You have been here before hun so you know that you have people here that can help with atleast supporting you through the ugliness and torture we inflict and have inflicted upon us. May I suggest that maybe you need to take a step back and see this from a different perspective? Call a crisis unit or crisis line. Preferrably someplace that has the facilities for you to get away for a few days and away form all the mess that lies around you. Getting a breather may help you to see the worth that others see in you and give you some much needed time to find resources to help you cope. Hang on please and know that you are not alone.
     
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi SJ. You're right, no one here really knows you or what you have done. So why don't you tell us what you have done and why it's hurting you so much? You feel bad for hurting the person that you love. Well, my friend, 'love hurts.' There will be good times and bad times. You have to talk to her/him and explain how sorry you are, if you want a second chance. You've also said that you're evil and that no one cares about you. But that is just not true. I believe that there are evil people living in our world, but they hurt people and don't feel any remorse for their actions. You're clearly sorry for what you've done and are willing to change. And people here do care for you. :hug:
     
  9. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    You are not these things. Throughout your life people may have put these ideas into your head. But you are most certainly lovable and deserving. Every single human being is. To believe that you are not lovable or deserving is to think that you are somehow different and larger than life. You are not. You are the same as the rest of us. Most certainly deserving of love :heart:

    All actions deserve forgiveness. No matter what horrible things you may have done, you can always forgive yourself, for you are always deserving of forgiveness. The only evil that can be done in the world is when people refuse to forgive themselves, and refuse love and happiness. That is the only "evil."
     
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