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Don't even know anymore~~please read...please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Brad, Mar 25, 2012.

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  1. Brad

    Brad Member

    Sometimes i just dont know what to do, what actions to take, if im doing anything right, if im doing what others wanted me to do, and if i would be okay with the decisions myself. Right now, im at my college library(im a freshman) and supposedly "doing homework", but just feeling like shit. Ive never really started thinking of depression and suicide until about november of last year, the question i kept thinking of is 'what is the point of living if you dont like the life you live and see no way in changing it?', i think about this everyday for way too much time. the answer i have right now is because of my family, mainly my mom. If i were to die, everyone in my family would feel terrible and feel as if they could have done something to stop me, but everyone in my family is strong enough to move on one day and live a normal life after my passsing EXCEPT for my mom. She means everythign to me, and she would do anything for me. After 15 yrs of not working, she got a job working @ a large corporation so she could pay for me and my brothers to go to college. She does stuff like this all the time for me, she loves me so much. I know she loves me and this is one of the reasons why I have never strongly considered suicide. But it scares me thinking about because I feel like im in a downwards spiral and im gonna end up doing something bad soon. I feel that it is just going to keep getting worse, like im gonna snap and do something very unlike what other people think of me. Now about me, Im 19, a freshman at a college in Michigan, I have many friends, Im doing fine socially, i even joined a fraternity and like it. But i feel like shit constantly, some days I feel fine and am one of the most social people and other days i just want to stay in my dorm under the covers and never show my face. I dont like myself, the way I look, the way I act, how I handle situations, ect. I realize there is now way of changing some of that but I dont even know what to do anymore. I dont know what I want to do with my life, and most college kids dont, but i was always the one who knew exactly what I wanted and would set out to get it. All of that is lost, I dont know how to be motivated, what could possibly motivate me, it'll just make me feel worse. Ive started doing things i never would have thought i would do, in highschool, i never had a sip of alcohol or a smoke. I drink every weekend, smoke, even started taking vicodin because i like the high it gives me. I dont do it anymore, quit it cuz i ran out but it just shows how ive changed for the worse. If someone told me 2 yrs ago id be taking illegal prescription painkillers in college id laugh in their face as a joke. Im scared, Ive never felt like this before. I care way too much about what people think about me and go out of my way to make others think of me differently, Ive done so much with this thinking that I dont know what I want for myself anymore. And now I dont know what to do, do i tell someone, ive never really told anyone how I feel my entire life, always just keeping to myself. If i tell someone, do i tell my family or friends?? I wouldnt even know how to do that, my friends think im the happiest kid ever and I dont know how i would be able to tell that to my mom. she would think she did something wrong.

    so....what should I do? I dont know what Im doing anymore....

    thanks for reading my problems, and thanks to those who choose to respond.

  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I am a father who's son left us by suicide. Please do not do this to your mom. You have no idea how much this destroys a parent's life. If you care anything about her, STOP IMMEDIATELY and find other alternatives. Suicide will give her 24 hours a day misery... believe me. I have no reason to lie, I am living with this.
  3. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I think you can get through this and you have your whole life ahead of you.
    That's good that you have such a caring family- not everyone does. I think they would want to help you.

    I personally can't stand my mom. I'll mostly commit suicide because of her.
  4. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    We're here for you. We care
    We can give you encouragement and emotional support
    Does your college have a mental health program? They are designed for situations like this.
  5. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    Well if anyone told me I'd be smoking crack and shooting heroin after high school, I certainly wouldn't have believed them either. Not to mention weed, nitrous, benzos, dxm, and etc. I've done so much shit that it would take a while to even name it all. It doesn't sound to me like you're an addict of any kind...yet. But it sounds like you're using drugs to mask your pain, and addiction is the road toward which you are headed if you don't do anything. You have to ask yourself why you feel as though there is no point to life and if there's anything at all that could change that. If your answer is yes, do whatever you have to do to work toward that goal. If not, maybe you should try to change your thinking by doing therapy. Have you seen a psychiatrist/psychologist yet?
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