So I know it's been a while since I posted anything. It's been pretty bad lately, and even coming here to write about it or chat is pushing the bounds of what I can do. I feel like I'm starting to spiral. Every day I go further down, and it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed. So let me start at the beginning - or at least since I got home after my stay in inpatient care. So, I moved back home. I knew at the time (or thought I did) that this would be the right thing to do. Now nothing against my parents, they have been supportive, mom listens when I need to vent, tells me it's okay, is understanding, and dad is still dad (which is normal, and thus a good thing). Shortly after getting home, I got confirmation that my student loans were coming due, without graduating, because I had to withdraw from my previous semester due to mental and physical health concerns. So yay. Here I am, fresh out of the loony bin, with 50k in debt coming due, no job, and serious health problems. Woot. Anyways. Fast forward a bit. Spent another week or so in the hospital (physical, not mental). New meds for me, which have now made it so I am almost incontinent. They are screwing with my head, I can't sleep, and now I'm fighting a mental battle between psych meds and the meds I need to stay alive. Oh, and now I get to fight with bureaucrats to get insurance stuff straightened out. Stupid place is forcing me onto unemployment to get medical assistance. I can't wait for my first job interview, when they start asking me questions and I'll probably start crying. Assuming I can even leave the house. The last time I tried I damn near collapsed from the shaking. So I'm sorry I have been vacant. I tried to chat today, it got bad for me after about ten minutes. Even that was more than I thought I could handle. I can't even find joy in my nieces and nephew anymore. I don't want to be around them. I don't want to pass some of my shit off to them. They don't deserve that, nobody does. I really wish I would have stayed in Colorado. I'd be done. I'd be gone. I hate myself, I hate that I can't bring myself to end it. I feel weak and worthless, and I don't know how to change that. I just want to feel needed. Wanted. Nobody wants me, they just tolerate me, or fulfill some duty they feel towards me. I feel like a shadow, a lie, a stain upon the earth and if I could I would scrub myself away.