Don't even know what to say

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SoTired, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    So I know it's been a while since I posted anything. It's been pretty bad lately, and even coming here to write about it or chat is pushing the bounds of what I can do. I feel like I'm starting to spiral. Every day I go further down, and it's getting harder and harder to get out of bed. So let me start at the beginning - or at least since I got home after my stay in inpatient care.

    So, I moved back home. I knew at the time (or thought I did) that this would be the right thing to do. Now nothing against my parents, they have been supportive, mom listens when I need to vent, tells me it's okay, is understanding, and dad is still dad (which is normal, and thus a good thing). Shortly after getting home, I got confirmation that my student loans were coming due, without graduating, because I had to withdraw from my previous semester due to mental and physical health concerns. So yay. Here I am, fresh out of the loony bin, with 50k in debt coming due, no job, and serious health problems. Woot.

    Anyways. Fast forward a bit. Spent another week or so in the hospital (physical, not mental). New meds for me, which have now made it so I am almost incontinent. They are screwing with my head, I can't sleep, and now I'm fighting a mental battle between psych meds and the meds I need to stay alive. Oh, and now I get to fight with bureaucrats to get insurance stuff straightened out. Stupid place is forcing me onto unemployment to get medical assistance. I can't wait for my first job interview, when they start asking me questions and I'll probably start crying. Assuming I can even leave the house. The last time I tried I damn near collapsed from the shaking.

    So I'm sorry I have been vacant. I tried to chat today, it got bad for me after about ten minutes. Even that was more than I thought I could handle. I can't even find joy in my nieces and nephew anymore. I don't want to be around them. I don't want to pass some of my shit off to them. They don't deserve that, nobody does.

    I really wish I would have stayed in Colorado. I'd be done. I'd be gone. I hate myself, I hate that I can't bring myself to end it. I feel weak and worthless, and I don't know how to change that. I just want to feel needed. Wanted. Nobody wants me, they just tolerate me, or fulfill some duty they feel towards me. I feel like a shadow, a lie, a stain upon the earth and if I could I would scrub myself away.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, you are going through a lot for sure but I am really glad you came back here to us and are talking about your issues. I hope it helped to write it out. Is moving back to colorado an option ? I apologise if that is a stupid question.
    Now we must get you from A to B, what can you do with this situation you have to make things better and more tolerable? Really glad you have your mom for support and glad she's willing to fight this battle with you. Sorry to hear about your health issues. Please keep talking to us, we do care.
  3. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I wrote that the wrong way. If I wouldn't have come home I'd be dead by now. Colorado was the wrong place. I'd have been homeless, and probably dead by now with all the health issues. I really don't know what to do about things anymore. I'm lost in the crazy half-dead state where I'm not sleeping enough to think straight and yet people want me to make decisions and such. I had a panic attack the other day when my mom asked me if I wanted anything from the store. I couldn't answer. It's all happening at the same time, which is making getting anything done harder.

    I know people here care. I really do. It's not anyone here, mostly it's me. I've been getting more paranoid, more scared, more sensitive nearly every day, and so I react poorly to little things. And then I run away. It's bad, because I know at least part of my issue is I don't want to confront the problems. The problems are all I am, and if they go away or get better than I'm nothing. The real worthless me comes out to play then, and there isn't even anything to pity. Sorry.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    No worries. I can really relate to the panic attacks, I suffer from terrible anxiety myself, is counselling an option for you? It could really help change the way you are feeling. The paranoia needs treating as well. You can get through this. You have your mom on your side, ye will battle through this together, I am really glad you have her guidance and continuing support. Medication might be something to think about as well, are you open to the idea of going on anti depressants or anti anxiety medications? Weigh up your options and see what you can do =)
  5. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    Meds have to wait until insurance and such get handled. Counseling is the same. I'm stuck in limbo for now, and while I'm waiting for things to get done, I just keep getting worse. I've been trying to relax as much as possible, but then hate myself for relaxing instead of getting something done.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Don't ever hate yourself for doing self help for yourself, in fact be proud of who you are and how far you have come and what you are doing to try and improve the situation and distracting yourself. I hope you can get the insurance sorted out asap. What are the things that you want to get done? I am genuinely sad that I can't physically help you but I am here listening and I do care :)
  7. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    I don't even really know. I get caught up in causes. I think part of it is a coping thing - it's easier to get mad at something else then to deal with myself. I turn inner hatred outward, but more at ideas. I get caught up in causes. I want to teach, but know that I'm too broken to do that right now. And I can't finish my degree, which I need to become a teacher.

    Other than that, I write. Some computer software, but the anxiety gets in the way (hard to write code when any mistake sends the panic patrol). Sometimes I write blog posts, but then I can't bring myself to publish them because they suck. I want to make a difference, and my head and my body just keep getting in the damn way.
  8. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    So, another day, another really bad, don't know what to do day. Keep getting stupid mail from the government, every time I hope it's what I've been waiting for (insurance stuff), and it isn't - it's another letter telling me to go online a fill some other form out, or do some other thing that has nothing and no connection to the assistance I am trying to get. It's just another hoop for me to have to jump through.

    I just can't deal with this crap anymore. It's like they take the weakest of people, people who actually need help, and then shit all over us until we give up. I don't have the strength to fight for myself anymore. I think I have a weeks worth of prescription left, and then I can't get anymore. Without it I die. So I guess that's it - no more meds, no more living. Well, at least I won't have student loans to worry about.
  9. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    Well, some news. I contacted my state senator and representative. I heard back from the senator, and she is having her staff contact the medical assistance people to tell them to get their act in gear. So hopefully I should hear something back early next week. I know that should make me feel better, but sadly, nope. Pills run out Monday.

    I just want to leave. I want to run away, again. My mom keeps talking about how "when things get better" that I can move on. I don't know if people don't understand chronic illness, but I can't explain to them that things will never get better. I'll never get well. This isn't some broken bone or cold. I have to live with this for as long as I can, and the longer I go, the less it seems like it will be very long. I don't want them to see that. I don't want them to have to deal with the really sick, the progression that will turn me into a shell. If I leave they will hate me, but I can spare them that.

    I'm not sleeping again. Can't. Stay up all night, I swear my parents have no idea how few hours of sleep I'm getting. Can't concentrate. I feel like I'm falling apart, and don't know how the pieces go back together. I laugh and grin at stuff to hide how I really feel, when all I want to do most of the time is hurt things. I want to cry and can't. I want to feel something besides hurting. I want someone who understands.

    I know I'm rambling. I always do. Can't keep focus for long enough to stay on a single subject. Can't do anything. Feels like any attempt is just another failure.
  10. Brittless

    Brittless All I loved I loved alone...

    Hey SoTired,

    I haven't seen you in awhile. I just wanted to tell you the fact that you have contacted the senator and representative gives me incredible hope. That if one path runs out or is a dead end there is always another path. I have been trying to tell this to myself and others who are stuck.

    I too have a chronic illness- dunno if you remembered or not- but my boyfriend also talks about how when things get better... and I say it's been seven years when is better? But the worst part is he gives me hope that my illness will be cured or something... and it hurts too much to have that hope that things could one day be different. The illness has taken a lot from me, it has turned me into a shell, but through everything there have been those rare moments of lucidity and brightness and sometimes I think those moments are worth it.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't know long you've been ill, but I do know that it took me quite awhile- about six years- to feel... something again, other than the pain from the illness and the hatred for it happening to me and hate at the stupid doctors and the stupid system, etc etc. I don't know how your illness will progress and I know it is probably different than mine though mine is chronic. But I think you can learn how to live with it and learn to feel other things other than hurt.

    My two or three cents. Please stay safe.
  11. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member


    Thanks for the message. I remember - we had way too many talks at hours when normal people should be sleeping :). I don't know if it's the false hope (I know there is no cure), the idea that for some people it's not a big deal, they have it under control - so why can't I, or the constant "well just cheer up, things aren't that bad" that I hear when I'm having a bad day.

    I know I should hold out some hope. My brain tells me that medicine works, doctors know what they are doing, and I'll get the treatment I need. Maybe eventually I'll start to get right in my head too. But my heart tells me a very different story and I don't know how to pick which one I listen to. The voices that scream at me, tell me I'm a failure and everyone and everything is out to get me drown out everything else.

    Thanks for caring though. It's always good to know there are people who understand.
  12. Brittless

    Brittless All I loved I loved alone...

    Why do you think you are a failure if you don't mind me asking? This illness happened to you. You didn't choose it and because you may not be able to face life the same way you did before doesn't make you a failure. it means you're adjusting to something incredibly difficult to live with.
  13. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    It's not the illness itself. It's all the things I feel I've lost because of the illness. The relationships I fear I'll never have, the school I'll never finish, the goals that I feel I'll never achieve. All the things I wanted for myself, and a dammed disease has taken it all away. All the metrics by which I measure my own success and happiness. It's all gone.

    I used to say the only thing that kept me going was that I would graduate college one day. Now that's never going to happen. The one thing I ever wanted, the one thing that pushed me, and I lost that. I don't see much point in anything anymore. The failure is my own inability to ever finish the things I started, the inability to move past this and get on with living, because it's beyond me to see something worth living for.
  14. Brittless

    Brittless All I loved I loved alone...

    I understand. I really do. But I wish you wouldn't think of it as your failure. The illness did interrupt and change your life. The disease did interfere and took away some possibilities perhaps but perhaps you will develop new metrics of success and happiness. It may take time though. You just have to adjust and reassess which all sounds very logical, but meh in my case.. I think once I accepted it is what it is, I moved forward from there. Also, once I stopped blaming myself for all of this shit.
  15. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    Yeah, the really bad part is I know this stuff. I know things aren't my fault. I know I can't change them, can't make them better, can only accept what is - but it doesn't work. I can't break myself out of the spiral that keeps pulling me down. This dammed cold I have isn't helping either.

    And you're right (as usual) - the blame is the worst part. In my case, I can even lay some of the blame on myself - I never should have trusted him, never should have let myself fall for him, never should have put myself out there so I could get cheated on and end up with this disease. It's my fault (sarcasm). It's my fault for daring to love and want something more than basic survival, and I should have known better. Should have known that alone was the only place I belonged.
  16. Brittless

    Brittless All I loved I loved alone...

    it just leads to self hate and self destruction. what's done is done. can't let a decision and a moment make the rest of your life horrible. You can only learn to live with what you have and live the way you want to. despite your illness. despite blame. you can't let it have power over you. I know that's a lot easier said than done, but you deserve a full life, even if that means having to adjust to certain conditions.

    i think the worst part about having a chronic illness for people like me or you or anyone maybe is admitting- past our pride- that we need help, that things aren't the same, and we need to re-learn how to navigate the world, and maybe learn more about ourselves. there's something deep for you.

    If I haven't said this before, I am so sorry that this was done to you by someone you dared to love.
  17. SoTired

    SoTired Well-Known Member

    So got some good news today! Finally got my medicaid card, so I can get back to doctors appointments and meds and such. Here's hoping that I can start working towards feeling a little better, and getting some of these things under control. I know it's still a long process, but at least that's one less thing off my plate.
    Brittless likes this.