Don't even know where to start…

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by InnocentAndProvenGuilty, Jul 29, 2016.

  1. So I don't even know where to start…

    I was brought here by a forum topic about someone who was constantly being accused of being on drugs when they weren't, and I was looking to see how much depression actually looks like narcotics, but that's really only one of my problems right now.

    A few months ago I was in a horrible domestic with my ex. I called the police to have him removed from my apartment because he was assaulting me and breaking my electronics. He'd threatened to make up a story before if I called the cops, and he followed through with his promise when it actually happened. I ended up with three charges and pled guilty for an amazing deal even though everything I did was in self defence because I was afraid of the alternatives. He ended up with one charge when he should have had six (including running from the police when they got there, which they witnessed and he wasn't charged with), and got a similar deal.

    My life has fallen apart since then. The police kicked me out of my apartment instead with my three kittens even though I paid the rent, and I was forced to move back into my grandparents' house at 22. I was then forced to give one of my kittens to my mother temporarily, and she's since decided to keep him. I delivered, bottle-fed, and raised all three kittens to the age of 9 months by the way. Also, I've never planned on having children, and my cats were my replacement.

    I slipped back into depression… only this time it didn't last the usual three months, it's lasted nine. At this point it feels like it's progressed into PTSD rather than depression, and I've made an appointment with my doctor to finally address antidepressants.

    I flunked one course in college which has put a halt on my graduation, and I'm honestly afraid to even ask what that means for my career at this point. I know that's my own fault, but I lost all motivation to even get up in the morning by that point. Barely anyone knows about this. OSAP is asking for their $9,000 back already and I'm broke.

    My "best friend" who helped me move on after everything slept with my ex after the incident and I found out because the person I was with at the time had her on speakerphone. That same person I was with decided to break my phone in a fit of rage with no explanation or provocation one night, tell me "who are they going to believe with your charges," then checked himself into the hospital the same night (no, I'm not still speaking to him, nor did I call the police after my luck with them the last time).

    My mother is having people stalk me because she thinks I'm on cocaine, and by that I mean I've noticed people slowly following behind me in cars, poking around my friends' windows, and she blatantly told me. She and the police both know I used to smoke weed, but I've never touched cocaine in my life. She used to be heavily addicted to cocaine and believes that because she was I must be as well. I offered to show her several of the blood tests I've had done to check why I'm having dizzy spells and fainting and that didn't placate her. Oh, but I have bad teeth so I must be doing drugs (the dentist has finally come to the conclusion my family's issue with teeth is genetic and said this with her in the room). I've also brought up the idea that my health problems may be related to something more serious only to be laughed at by her and have my doctor ignore my pleas because she's spoken with him already. I wonder if she realizes I don't even have the money to buy cigarettes let alone drugs half the time at this point?

    I'm having no luck getting a job after my incident and with little job experience, so I can't move out and pay rent for myself as of yet. I also can't get welfare because of the rest of my household's income. I lost count of how many applications I've gone through and resumes I've handed out, and my regular already-small government cheques have just been greatly reduced.

    My grandparents nitpick at every little thing I do, including leaving the house to go to the store or bank, or staying up late… Or questioning why I'm up early, or about what food I eat, or whether I'm collecting information for my taxes, or why I'm not speaking to them when I'm coming in and out of the house for cigarettes, or who my friends are, etc, etc, etc. Basically they're the kind of people who've complained in the past about firefighters needing to access a fire-hydrant on their front lawn. They'll find literally anything to complain about.

    And there's more… because there's always more. I'm not looking for sympathy, or solutions, or anything really. Maybe if anything someone can read this and find comfort in the fact that someone's having a more difficult time than they are. To be honest it helps me sometimes knowing I haven't quite hit rock bottom yet. I'm just looking to vent to someone who wont criticize me, because I already have enough criticism on a daily basis. I'm having flashbacks daily, I'm wallowing in it, I'm not moving on, and I really just needed to let it all out…
     
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to SF. You just found a fine place to stop and have a rant. No one here is going to judge you or what you are going though, which sounds like a nightmare to me. But you deserve some credit for still retaining some positivity and trying to get your life together so you can support yourself and be independent.

    Its good that you have plans to see your Doc and sort out any medication issues.
     
  3. Thank you for your support, Sinister. It's a nightmare I never wake up from, and a situation that I know not many people can relate to or understand fully, which makes it difficult to talk about with people I know. Some judge me for my charges (especially the ones who still talk to my ex), and don't believe I'm innocent. Some judge me for the fact I didn't leave or call the police sooner or stand up for myself better, regardless of the threats I was getting. Some are jealous that I haven't supported myself the ways they have because they don't have a place to stay. Most just don't know what to say though. I've considered using the support system given by victim services but I find them way too difficult to trust with my issues with the legal system, and I don't have the money for private counselling. I'm really hoping the doctor can help me when I go to see him though.

    I've been reading some of the threads started by the people here though and this seems like a friendly, supportive community, so I may stick around for a while and create a diary in that section when I'm feeling up to it. I'm not always the most social person though, so if I'm not replying to threads its probably because I'm having a pretty introverted day or have a lot on my mind. I'll try to contribute as much as I can.

    By the way, I think it's pretty obvious from my profile name, but the thing I'm having the most difficulty with is my arrest and being labelled guilty and a criminal. I know it's unlikely, but if anyone here's been through a similar situation I'd be interested to know how they got through it. Heck, even if you really were guilty, I still think it would help.
     
  4. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hi I am Mox,

    No one here is going to judge you harshly, everyone here has their own demons and are in no place to judge another person negatively. Lets just get that out of the way first.

    Your my friend are in a very tough spot and I hate it for you. But I have faith in you that you will be able to pull through this and survive. (What country are you in just out of curiosity? ) Is it possible to limit the time you spend with your mom? Sounds like she is just stressing you out and that is the last thing you need. you need to have peace of mind to formulate a escape out of your present situation. Remember one thing: You can not control what another person thinks. All you can do is show her stuff and it is up to her to believe you or not. Try not to let it bother you , you sound like a young person and you are still figuring out who you are. Maybe you could make a goal of joining one job websites a day and join as many as you need to until you find new work.

    If it helps my story is listed in the My Story forum , I just want to die, maybe reading that will help you realize you are not the only one fighting with issues and it will help you trust us more.

    Take Care of Yourself Don't be afraid to ask us for help. We are here to help you