Don't even know why

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by sunnypseudo, May 5, 2016.

  1. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    I'm laying in bed right now, I was rubbing my hip like I usually do as it hurts often. I don't even think about the pain anymore, just a thing I do, I felt a scab, began picking it then remembered what I did and have the sudden urge to slice myself up . I'm not unhappy, stressed or even down, just want to cut. I'm guessing it isn't uncommon, but it feels strange. It feels strange to me. I'm writing this instead of doing it. I don't even feel ashamed. I guess I'm going to try to sleep now. I'm not alone, so I don't think I could outlast him in the staying awake so I could without getting caught. I'm not frightened, revulsed, just confused I guess. I don't understand why the urge is there. Well, good night sweetnesses of SF, see you in the morning.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I hope it helped you to write this down, and that you stayed strong. I know the urge can be very hard to fight.

    Sometimes you can get an urge from a physical interaction, that happens to me too, and it does also freak me out.
    SH can be addicting, and I know I am addicted. It's a tough cycle to break but I believe it can be done. I am personally working on this with my therapist.

    Stay strong hun!
  3. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Thank you, and I didn't do anything. It did help to write it, especially how I didn't feel. Sometimes it can help me pick a part what's going on on the inside, unfortunately I don't feel like I learned anything aside from what you said. That it can be very addictive. Over the last few months I only SH seven times. When I was younger it was a constant. I guess it never occurred to me that it could be an addiction.

    How is therapy for you and SH? Is it helping? Here is the only place that knows that I do or have. Haven't told anyone else yet.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    It's good that you are doing SH a lot less, hopefully that's a trend that you can keep up! I know its hard work.
    I'm happy you didn't give in! That takes a lot of strength! Be proud of yourself!

    I'm still in the initial stages... but for my one on one therapy I have to write a 'diary' every night whether I hurt myself or not, and what emotions I had, and how strong they were on the day, and my therapist will take me through the day to uncover why I ended up hurting myself...
    I also hope that DBT will give me some healthier coping methods... that's my plan with being there.
  5. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    That's wonderful to hear. I'm glad you're doing what you're doing. It's a very hard path, harder to dig out the roots of SH or any negative feelings really. You are such a strong woman. What is DBT? I keep seeing that acronym but no clue what it is.

    I'm trying to keep up on my diary on here, something to keep me accountable for everything. It hasn't been easy just to so this. Eventually I think I need to share it with my therapist but completely unsure if I should or even when. None of it is easy. I never expected it to be, but there are times I find it difficult to keep going forward with any of it. I preferred it to be buried.

    I had come to a strange realization early yesterday, why do we feel the urge to hurt ourselves for what others have wrongfully done to us? Why is inward so much easier to take it out? I disect things too much perhaps. Well, strength in numbers I guess being here. At the very least we aren't alone.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Those are the same questions I ask myself... it doesn't make sense to me.

    I think you should bring it up with your therapist. They can help you a lot more if they know all your issues. I know it's not easy, it certainly wasn't for me... in my case the therapist guessed it herself, before I got to say anything.

    DBT is short for Dialectic Behavioural Therapy, it is usually a group therapy that works on giving you healthy coping mechanisms with your life, triggers and relations. I had it years ago... but now I'm starting it again, I'm a lot more ready to work on these things now.
  7. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    I'm trying very hard not to be cagey. I'm only two sessions in, and the second one I told her at least about my past. I don't get to have my sessions often as they are a bit pricey even with my insurance, so I end up doing a lot of work on my own. I guess all the time in between allows me to dissect everything. It does at least leave me with something a little more concrete to tell her when I go in.

    You are a step a head of me, since I never even thought about that until yesterday lol. I love logic, and when something doesn't make sense, logically, but feels like its right is when I start questioning myself. I question my sanity often. Mental illness runs in my family so I try very, very hard, maybe too hard sometimes to keep both feet firmly planted on this plane of existence.

    Oooh ok now I get why DBT is so often talked about here. It does make a difference to be ready for something and I'm very glad you're doing it again. First time is not always the charm. Its the only reason I'm seeking help now, because I wasn't ready for it for years, but now all I want is to get better.