Don't even know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MyCatWillMissMe, Feb 9, 2016.

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  1. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    I've been here for awhile and I apologize for whining here again but I don't know where else to whine.

    Has anyone here been in a position where they have absolutely nothing and no one, and when you talk to people about it, they just tell you some dumb shit like "keep your head up" or "everything happens for a reason"?

    I looked at the depression test pdf post and realized I am a max score in every single tab. I doubt there's anyone here who's desire to live is justifiably less than mine.

    I quit working 10 months ago and am just living off of ssi disability. I sit in my room and watch twitch streams or play games all day. My dad says I'm doing everything to be depressed, and I'd say he's right, but I don't want to go out and meet people, or go back to work, or go to the gym, or do anything. It is a mental struggle just to go to the grocery store and I only do it because I have to.

    I just wish something would happen to end my life because I'm too much of a coward to do it myself.
  2. minion

    minion Well-Known Member

    You're not whining. Don't ever think that here. From my experience depression is a hard cross to carry. Do know that you are not alone in this. That there are people here or out there that can help you. Some times talking does help.

    I have disability for different reasons and I totally get you. I hate leaving the house, meeting new people, going to the store, buying things. I'd rather sleep, binge watch series on Netflix, or read. I'd rather not interact with other people. But I did find this place a while back, and the nice people here have helped me. And in time I did seek out other help as help.

    Keep your head up.
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am not sure what "I doubt there's anyone here who's desire to live is justifiably less than mine." actually means, but when it comes to pain or reasons for pain comparing or or belief that any one persons is greater than another is neither does any good, nor is it fair to others or yourself and is best avoided completely. The ability to watch twitch and play games all day still is pretty actively involved in life by many comparisons, even though it is a narrow choice of activities it is still very much a choice and to be honest a choice many would make without being depressed at all, simply being a "gamer". though inability to do anything but lay in bed and stare at the ceiling also does not by itself mean greater pain either, and doing that does not at all mean you are not depressed. Somebody that goes to work every single day can be just as depressed as somebody that engages in gaming all all day- it is all about what type of satisfaction ones life ultimately brings.

    Things like going to work or going to the grocery store are chores to most people, and I would bet the vast majority or more of the population would choose to do neither if it were an option, and, same as you - go to the store because they need to to eat and really when it comes down to it is the same reason most go to work. My point of all this is that while you seem to want to point out your differences you sound very typical of most every person in the world, and just happen to have depression as well, much like most here. Prefer to play games or watch shows than work and do chores, and few depressed people are overly social or get enjoyment from social activities. So, welcome to the crowded room of "typical" , both in normal life and in the life of those with depression.

    It is also notable you do not actually even say that your father is wrong when he says you do everything you can to be depressed. That is a very easy and common rut to fall into. In the end, doing the exact same thing day after day will always lead to you feeling the exact same day after day. At some point you will have to choose whether you prefer to feel pain and depression and if the pain of depression is actually bad enough to make a change. Much like hating the grocery store or work, but choosing that not to eat sucks more so you do in fact go to the store, someday you could choose to do something different to avoid the pain you feel every day rather than intentionally mire yourself in it.

    It is in fact after all both comfortable and easy, and requires no additional effort at all, things that most people prefer over hard /extra effort and out of their current comfort zone. But ultimately, it is in fact, still a choice. If you do not actually want that lifestyle, and the accompanying feelings that it gives you, then nobody can change it but you. Tomorrow will not be better if you do nothing at all different today. Feeling bad about tomorrow or like it is unfair how you feel everyday- well you know what the results of do the same thing have been for the last 10 months so do not be surprised when it doesn't change all on its own tomorrow either. While platitudes like ""keep your head up" or "everything happens for a reason"" offer little comfort to most when depressed, I would wonder what you would choose to have them say instead- and why they would have some insight to make it all better that you yourself have not had to say to yourself in the last months? Things like "everything happen for a reason " are sometimes more insightful than taken at first glance and we do not always understand the real meaning when we are listening to depression tell us to do the same thing every day and making us believe it is pointless to do anything different.
    Petal likes this.
  4. Gergin

    Gergin Well-Known Member

    First off I absolutely love your username. Super witty. Also, I love just sitting at home and watch streams on twitch. Secondly, have you looked into getting professional help? I was against getting help for a very long time and once I did my life has gotten better. I strongly encourage you to keep sharing here, you don't know how much strength you actually get from sharing here. I'll keep you in my prayers.
  5. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the posts. Minion, technically any act of "woe is me" shared publicly could be considered whining, but being as this place is like a Whines R Us store, it is apparently more acceptable. NYJ, I understand many people who work long hours may envy the notion of just playing games all day and sleeping whenever I want. It's what many strive to do on their rare day off with no chores to do.

    The other side of that coin, however, is they likely feel they have a purpose and a goal to achieve, whether it's graduating school, getting a promotion, taking care of their family, or even just materialistic desires like a new car or a boat. All of these things require work and a goal-oriented mindset with some sort of ambition. Ambition is a very powerful word that you never really hear people say. I've had a lot of quiet, reflective moments in these past 10 months and I've come to realize ambition and depression are extremely similar in that they both require a source, or sources, of great value to the individual.

    My ambition was completely destroyed when my ex left me, and that was 2 1/2 years ago. From the few people I tried to draw some comfort from, the general consensus was that time makes things better, you'll meet new people, and life goes on. Unfortunately I think for some, this is not the case. If I had actually known then how I'd feel now I would have killed myself. I've even read about other people's stories with similar situations, and many of them say it's been over 10 years and they still aren't over it and are just living as a ghost full of regrets day after day. Maybe they have kids, or a close family, or amazing friends, or a great job and can bury their regret in new toys, or perhaps a strong religious faith, but I have none of these things.

    I take medication for my schizoeffective disorder, it's called effexor(venlafaxine). I guess it's supposed to help stabilize your emotions so you don't get extreme highs or extreme lows. I don't believe any therapy would help me because all they're going to do is tell me to buck up and get a life, but in a more drawn out and painful process. There is no pill or therapy for someone who has lost all desire to continue living and is simply just waiting to die.

    I just wish a satellite would fall out of the sky and crush my room and obliterate my existance and all possessions. Boy that would be great.
  6. minion

    minion Well-Known Member

    Any person who is worth their weight in salt, knows better than to snap their fingers and say 'buck up and get over it'. It's not like you stubbed your toe on the dresser. This is a mental/emotional thing that takes time, effort, desire, and a whole lot of will power to get over it. Some times it does work with meds and therapy sometimes not. I'm not one to push meds. I refused them for the longest time.
  7. Rambler

    Rambler Member

    Dear MyCat,

    Remember: Discussing your feelings is not whining, we, as social beings do need emotional support from fellow beings.

    Everyone has there ups and downs. However, sometimes we slip into a depressive state, which can eventually lead to suicidal ideation as the pain one feels starts to outweigh coping strategies. It's tough, but you are not alone in your struggle.

    Do you perhaps know what has caused you to feel despondent?

    Kind Regards,
  8. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Haha did you even read my post; I said my ex is the vast majority of my disdain for living
  9. Rambler

    Rambler Member

    Yes, your post was read. But wondered if there was perhaps more to it.
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