I can't even be bothered anymore - what the hell, another day to get through!? Does the world not hear me screaming 'stop, stop!!'. But no i have to be a responsible adult now. I have to go to work, i have to do what people are paying me to do. I don't want to though. I'm so depressed i literally give up! But noone ever, ever hears me screaming do they? Because i keep on this nice respectable hardworking, good girl facade, and even now when i don't think i can actually get through tomorrow i'm scared about revealing is a fake! I should just take a few days off work to give myself time to stock up energy, but then my family will think i'm being pathetic and besides i should save it until i'm so sick i'm in hospital, at least then i won't have to say how utterly destroyed i am! :sad: Sometimes i put on such a facade i wonder if this true depressed side will ever be able to destroy me, but i think i will be able to surely? I can't keep this up forever. It is just the pure disappointment from the people i work with, my family, myself, that keeps me going - i don't actually want to continue personally, the only thing that keeps me going is the humiliation. I just don't want to see them looking down on me. Although i accept depression as an illness, i still won't accept that it will stop me, i still think i'm strong enough to function/exist even if i can't truly live life to the fullest. I don't actually accept that people will understand this depression, the fact that it brings me to my knees and i'm left begging 'please someone save me!!!!'. I am not able to show that side of me yet, i doubt i ever will. I'm scared that i'll never have the break i really badly need because of the expectations of others. I don't even want to put this in the suicidal subsection because i don't want people on here to think that i am crumbling for nothing. I want people to know when i'm serious. But i'm really so badly depressed that i'm scared of continuing. I'm scared that i have 3 more days at work until i can be alone and try and get some energy. I'm scared that i no longer care about self harming, that i'm not even trying to fight the urge not too. I'm scared that i'm not going to get help or telling anyone how bad things are getting. I'm scared because all these things i used to do, i used to tell someone. Now i'm at the point where it has happened so many times before i don't think anyone will listen anymore and i just don't want to go there again. I don't want to admit i can't cope. But noone cares what i'm saying. It is just the same as everyone else, who am i to ask for someone to listen....afterall I hardly do, i force myself everyday to be everything everything everyone else wants me to be, i don't listen to myself so why should anyone else.