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Don't even listen

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by SweetSurrender, Feb 17, 2009.

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  1. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I can't even be bothered anymore - what the hell, another day to get through!? Does the world not hear me screaming 'stop, stop!!'. But no i have to be a responsible adult now. I have to go to work, i have to do what people are paying me to do. I don't want to though. I'm so depressed i literally give up! But noone ever, ever hears me screaming do they? Because i keep on this nice respectable hardworking, good girl facade, and even now when i don't think i can actually get through tomorrow i'm scared about revealing is a fake! I should just take a few days off work to give myself time to stock up energy, but then my family will think i'm being pathetic and besides i should save it until i'm so sick i'm in hospital, at least then i won't have to say how utterly destroyed i am! :sad:
    Sometimes i put on such a facade i wonder if this true depressed side will ever be able to destroy me, but i think i will be able to surely? I can't keep this up forever. It is just the pure disappointment from the people i work with, my family, myself, that keeps me going - i don't actually want to continue personally, the only thing that keeps me going is the humiliation. I just don't want to see them looking down on me. Although i accept depression as an illness, i still won't accept that it will stop me, i still think i'm strong enough to function/exist even if i can't truly live life to the fullest. I don't actually accept that people will understand this depression, the fact that it brings me to my knees and i'm left begging 'please someone save me!!!!'. I am not able to show that side of me yet, i doubt i ever will. I'm scared that i'll never have the break i really badly need because of the expectations of others.
    I don't even want to put this in the suicidal subsection because i don't want people on here to think that i am crumbling for nothing. I want people to know when i'm serious. But i'm really so badly depressed that i'm scared of continuing. I'm scared that i have 3 more days at work until i can be alone and try and get some energy. I'm scared that i no longer care about self harming, that i'm not even trying to fight the urge not too. I'm scared that i'm not going to get help or telling anyone how bad things are getting. I'm scared because all these things i used to do, i used to tell someone. Now i'm at the point where it has happened so many times before i don't think anyone will listen anymore and i just don't want to go there again. I don't want to admit i can't cope.
    But noone cares what i'm saying. It is just the same as everyone else, who am i to ask for someone to listen....afterall I hardly do, i force myself everyday to be everything everything everyone else wants me to be, i don't listen to myself so why should anyone else.
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Let go; there is beauty in the breakdown.
  3. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Hey hun,

    You're not crumbling for nothing :hug:. Let us help you get through this.

    I was the same as you, lived my life trying to show everyone I was fine, telling them what they wanted to hear rather than what I was really feeling. I went to work every day & was excellent at my job. I was determined that I could beat the depression, in fact it took me long enough to accept that I was depressed. Anywho, I'm digressing..if you need to take time out then do it, don't be swayed or influenced by others.

    You are what's important so do what is right for you hun :hug:.

    Take care, Claire xx
  4. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I'm listening.

    What you're doing is killing you.

    Your depression is something so personal and complex to yourself and nothing to be ashamed about. But you're keeping up a facade that works for you in some ways (keeps others happy) but you're dying.

    There's a great vulnerability to open up and show that side of you if you haven't before, and if , you don't like receiving help and comfort maybe that's because you're scared of your feelings ? :hug: I don't know.

    You seem to be so pressured by other people but they don't make you who you are. Although I can understand that pressure well, I've been where you are in the past. I'd be crawling and working and crawling and working and screaming help too in my own way. Why not think of others around you as being on an equal standing to you, rather than way up above 'looking down on you' if you don't please them?

    You're crying out for a break, am I right? A rest. Is there any possibility of this happening because I hear your screams and I know the feeling of nobody listening because you can't bear them yourself. If your family thinks you're pathetic for having a rest, they sound like they have problems about the basic human need to rest, sleep and relax, themselves?

    What is it about listening to yourself that scares you? Maybe you're trying to escape something by constantly looking outward for validation/acceptance?

    It's perfectly okay to feel the way you are. You mentioned someone you used to open up to. Maybe you could try getting in touch with that person because you sound so alone and in so much pain, and scared and in need of support. :hug:

    You're a human being, and human beings, with or without depression just can't please everything and everyone around us all the time. It's not only you, don't worry.

    I hope you felt like I listened to you. Look after yourself. I do hope you get the break, a rest, some respite from what you're going through which sounds like sheer panic at what's going on inside of you.
  5. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I do feel listened too and understood. I am so good at giving the appearance that i'm someone that has it all together that even when i say the words 'i'm depressed', everyone just seems to think i have a case of the blues and it isn't that big a deal. I needed somewhere i could yell 'stop!' without having to justify it.

    To be honest it isn't so much other peoples difficulties, as that i'm very bad at allowing people in. I don't like people to know how exactly i feel because i feel if they do then they can have power over me somehow. Staying in control is what i do best, and so the idea of people finding out how bad i'm suffering makes me want to run a hundred miles in the other direction. Because what if this isn't that bad? What if i'm just being extremely weak? I'm scared that when people do know how i feel that life will still continue as normal (because obviously it has too), but my feelings are so painful i cannot imagine telling them and then getting up the next day and going to work as though nothing has happened. That is my main issue with therapy, i cannot even begin to open up when i know that i will be expected to walk out 50mins later and continue with my day. I don't have the energy for that and i guess it will make me feel as though my feelings aren't that bad, and that if i can just talk about them and continue through the next day then i really shouldn't need a therapist in the first place! So i just think to myself - 'why bother?', if they aren't bad enough for others to be worried why should i? I'm just not that trusting to others, i'm scared they'll just think i'm being weak and that these intense feelings will not be understood. So it is easier just to show people exactly what they want to see, that way i can maintain my own sanity.

    Plus i'm just so very good at knowing what people want/need, but absolutely dreadful at knowing what i want/need. I need other peoples expectations and views of me because i don't know who i am, i need them to help me stay whole. I have no idea what i like or dislike doing, no idea what i value, no idea what i believe, i can't decide upon any of these things so i need to keep up the facade because it gives me boundries. It is all about control again. If i know what people expect, i know what i will do/say, and i can control how i feel.

    I feel so empty when i try to look at myself. I find being with other people hard because i get overwhelmed but i dislike being on my own too because then i feel like a shell of a person. It makes me realise how disjointed i feel.

    Well i have made it through 2days of work amazingly, i have one more and then i can rest for a few days. I don't feel as much in a panic as i did the other day, i've gone back to functioning, doing what needs to be done and that's all.

    thanks for listening guys. I wish there were beauty in a breakdown but there very much isn't.
  6. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hope you are doing better now. .. . please let us know. . . we all care about you - xxxxxx
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I hear you when you talk about letting people know about things so painful, and life, outside just going on as normal when to you, it's such a huge thing to let someone in. This reminds me of being amazed that I'd see the deceased being carted off to the cemetery every single day when I went to school, but everything remained the same, the bus is still going, the city still going. It seemed an insult to life at the time.

    Maybe, you're afraid of the possibility becoming vulnerable because maybe you associate it with some kind of failing, or weakness. There's nothing weak or shameful about being vulnerable but like you say, it's a huge risk for you as you want to feel in control of feelings that are so frightening to you.

    Thing is with therapy- you don't have to disclose everything in one go. Everything, should be at your pace. With the right therapist, they'd listen to you closely and your safety should be top priority because like you say, it's a terrifying thought to open up and be expected to go about the rest of the day in control, after perhaps feeling like you've lost control with a therapist?

    I don't know, it seems you're relying again, like you say on the therapist/others to let you know if you even deserve to feel bad? Lots of people go out of therapist sessions feeling worse or better than when they've entered a session. Just because nobody knows how bad you're feeling at the moment, doesn't mean your pain doesn't exist and isn't important. It's not a sign of weakness or anything to be ashamed about. It can take a lot of time before people actually find that therapy sessions actually beneficial because things in a session, are working on so many levels, if there's a good relationship going on between therapist/client.

    Maybe you haven't been responded to well in the past, when you've opened up to others about how vulnerable you do feel, how scared and how much pain you are in. The feelings of weakness, humiliation lies with the people who've responded to you that way, and not with you.

    You say you're scared of losing control and appearing weak by trusting a therapist, but at the same time, other people have such power over you because you're pretty much depending on them for everything, your identity, your goals, your life- in this way you're don't seem to be in control at all as you're feeling empty and confused :hug: but also, what you're doing helps you feel in control of your feelings by creating a mask that helps protect you in some way.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2009
  8. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    When you put it like that it does seem kinda ironic. I don't disclose my feelings in order to feel in control, but the fact that i have to keep up a mask and rely on others to tell me how to feel means that i'm actually powerless and out of control. I never thought of it like that before.

    I think the fear of admitting my true feelings is my biggest obstacle to overcome. I don't think of myself as a vulnerable person, i am not really a crier, i am more defensive and angry. You are right though there is a deep element of shame. I think this goes right to the core of who i am, i never allow myself to admit it but i really, really hate myself. I am scared of letting people in and seeing the real me because i'm deeply ashamed of who i am. I don't know why i feel this with such intensity, so i try and ignore it as much as possible.

    My therapist is tries to reassure me and is trying to explain that everything can go at my pace but i feel she doesn't understand how terrified i am, how hard it is already just to get through the day, and i feel like she has expectations which i don't think i am able to fulfil and remain safe. I do need reassurance, i hate admitting that i do because i know that everyone thinks that you shouldn't rely on others and it is considered weak to need it but i really do need it. Perhaps it is because of bad experiences in the past when people i spoke to never really listened, it just tells me again that i should just be getting on with it. Sometimes i really chastise myself for thinking the things i do when there are others struggling a lot more than me. I know there isn't a measurement stick for pain, but sometimes i do wish i had a bit more perspective.

    I absolutely hate it when people tell me i should be more open, that i should just be 'me' more; you'd think this acceptance and support would help, but in actual fact i am angry at those who tell me that i should just say what i think and feel, maybe because i feel like yelling that it isn't as easy as that, maybe because i feel that the real me would never really be accepted, maybe because i'm ashamed, maybe because i feel the very people telling me that i should have more confidence in myself are the very people who used to attack me when i was younger. I don't know but it isn't as simple as just talking, you really need the other person to listen and i've learnt that people rarely do.

    Thank you for talking through this with me, it gives me some release.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I hear you, especially your last paragraph was spot on as to how I have felt too, in the past. Ironic, isn't it....the very people telling you to open up are the ones who you understandably can't trust because of how they've reacted.

    You talk a lot of sense to me, and I can relate to your struggles.

    :hug: I'm glad to have talked to you. I think you're a very honest person and maybe it was frightening to open up here but I do hope you felt safe doing so here.

    As for listening, and that people rarely do listen, I know what you mean.

    There's nothing wrong with needing reassurance. I think it's a basic human need to want comfort, reassurance or validation they exist from other people.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 22, 2009
  10. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    I really relate to all of this. But I am too numb and depressed to have an intelligent response.

    sweetsurrender, i completely relate to all the things you said. You are not alone. I don't have anything wise to say. I just want you to know that you are not alone. In reading what has been said in this post, I know that other's are out there like me. And I don't have to put into words what I am feeling today because all of you are explaining exactly how I feel right now.

    Hope you are feeling better.
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    :hug:s you. I hope you feel better too. You're not alone.
  12. annie-crafts

    annie-crafts Well-Known Member

    thanks, i can't even explain how i'm feeling to anyone. i just don't have any words. I don't even feel like I can speak. the depression has taken my voice away. My mind isn't firing right. But it's good to know that i'm not alone.
  13. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    I'm glad there are others out there that understand. It makes me feel less alone.

    I understand what you mean about your voice being taken away, sometimes i literally cannot speak too, sometimes are no words or action that could release what it is i feel.

    Sometimes i feel as though i am imprisoned within my mind and body.

    Those are really painful times so i feel for you.

    When you find your voice again, and when you can connect the random firings in your brain to make some sense, please do.

    It helps feeling less alone.
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