don't even read this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by goodbye pork pie hat, Feb 5, 2008.

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  1. goodbye pork pie hat

    goodbye pork pie hat Active Member

    i'm sorry for coming to you and whining about my problems. i know that everyone else has problems too, so please don't think i'm really selfish or something. sorry.
    woke up and the power was still out. cold as fuck, even under the sheets. couldn't stomach breakfast, still nauseous from sleeping pills last night. threw up and went to school. bought a cake on the way there for my friend's birthday. i've liked him since eighth grade, but he doesn't know. nobody knows anything. i've been saving my money for that cake. i forgot his birthday last year and i've felt awful ever since. got there and he was stoned. he said he was upset because everything was twice as big as him. he was crying. i gave him the cake and he threw it in the trashcan, said i was a horrible friend for not remembering that his birthday is next month and not today. it's not. we used to be best friends, but then i told him how i feel. not about him, but about death. he's a user and a dealer, and i've got a real problem with that. i don't know why. there's nothing inherently wrong with it. it's silly, but it depresses the hell out of me. they kicked him out of the band today. on his birthday. nobody cares about anything. i do enough caring to make up for everyone, i guess.
    skipped class and carved "fuck" into my left arm. after school, i walked on over behind the building into the woods. he was selling little white ziploc bags to people. i knew some of them, but i'd never seen others. one of them stepped up to him and handed him a twenty. he was white, frail, and shaky. "a token of a miserable existence," i thought. then i realized that he looked exactly like i do, and i'm not even on drugs. i only weigh 98 and i'm 5'8" or something like that. tried to talk to him, but he ignored me. then my friend took me aside and told me to scram, that i was "bad for business."
    came home. power's still out. i live in my sister's shadow. my parents tell me that i wasn't a "worthwhile investment." they talk about everything like it's money.
    been thinking about suicide all day. i have a tub of benadryl for when i can't sleep and i've got some of my mom's valium. does anyone see any reason why i shouldn't do it? i'm a parasite on everyone's ass and everyone wishes i weren't around anymore. they really do. i don't want to be here anymore. i'm sorry. i'm gonna do it tonight, i think. sorry to those of you who think you like me. i really am sorry if i've made you sad or anything. :(
     
  2. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    Sweetie, please don't do this. You sound like a very nice person. You are caring. Don't stop being like that. You have to care about yourself the way you do about others. You can PM me if you want to talk. Please.... just hold on. Why don't you wait 24 hours before decideing to do anything?
     
  3. goodbye pork pie hat

    goodbye pork pie hat Active Member

    i'm willing to try anything at this point
    but i don't think anyone cares
    i could blame it on the web and i have been for all my life but it's the spider that's my problem now
    i'm too weak
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Don't make any decisions while you are feeling so bad about things. You said you are willing to try anything at this point which tells me you want to live. You wish to get rid of the pain, but not your life. Please try to hang in there. You are worth the fight. :hug:
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    first off, no need to apologize. you're dealing with so much at the moment, it can be a relief to come here and share. nobody will judge you, in fact i think you are your own harshest judge (i can relate!)

    your loneliness, your family dynamics, and your friend's mean streak might seem overwhelming right now, and you just want to do anything to relieve the pain. but you are not alone, you have us. and you have yourself... that little part of you that wants to hang on. it might only be 1% against the 99% that wants to die, but hang on to that 1%. with some support and time that 1% will grow and slowly you will start to feel better.

    you can always talk to us online, anytime. would you be willing to find someone to talk to in person?

    catherine
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    that wasn't nice what your friend done:sad: please don't harm yourself, please don't make any rash decisions while you are feeling so slow, you can change the way you are feeling right now, but you can never change killing yourself :hug:
     
  7. forlorn

    forlorn Staff Alumni

    Hey pork, when your down you feel the worlds against but its not, its just you against yourself. Ive talked with in chat a few times and even though you thought i was a girl lol we're still friends. You a very funny guy and you always cheer me up, dont do this pork because i and the rest of the chatroom will miss you dearly.


    All we need in life is friends that care :smile:
     
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Sounds like your another person who is missing genuine people in there life. Don't do anything you will regret. I'm sure by staying here, you will find and meet people who can relate to you, who can become friends with you and even in time be there for you.
     
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Hi,
    sorry to hear what you are going through. Sounds like you dont really have anyone that you can talk to. What I would suggest it see if there is a school counsellor you can talk you or approach your doctor. You are young now, things will hopefully turn around for you. Do you want to have to explain to people in the future why you have "fuck" scarred in to your arm. How will you explain it. Everyone on here has been so supportive to me, so when you feel like you need to chat log in to the chat room. People understand how you feel and whoever is in the chat room is sure to let you chew on their ear. xxxx
     
  10. goodbye pork pie hat

    goodbye pork pie hat Active Member

    thank you all so much for your comments...
    i guess i was kind of overreacting. i'm feeling better now, after reading what you all wrote...
    you're right about a lot of things, and you're all much smarter than i am, evidently :laugh:
    thanks so much...
     
  11. amei

    amei Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad you feel better now ^^
    If you ever need to talk to someone, you can PM me if you want.
     
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