i'm sorry for coming to you and whining about my problems. i know that everyone else has problems too, so please don't think i'm really selfish or something. sorry. woke up and the power was still out. cold as fuck, even under the sheets. couldn't stomach breakfast, still nauseous from sleeping pills last night. threw up and went to school. bought a cake on the way there for my friend's birthday. i've liked him since eighth grade, but he doesn't know. nobody knows anything. i've been saving my money for that cake. i forgot his birthday last year and i've felt awful ever since. got there and he was stoned. he said he was upset because everything was twice as big as him. he was crying. i gave him the cake and he threw it in the trashcan, said i was a horrible friend for not remembering that his birthday is next month and not today. it's not. we used to be best friends, but then i told him how i feel. not about him, but about death. he's a user and a dealer, and i've got a real problem with that. i don't know why. there's nothing inherently wrong with it. it's silly, but it depresses the hell out of me. they kicked him out of the band today. on his birthday. nobody cares about anything. i do enough caring to make up for everyone, i guess. skipped class and carved "fuck" into my left arm. after school, i walked on over behind the building into the woods. he was selling little white ziploc bags to people. i knew some of them, but i'd never seen others. one of them stepped up to him and handed him a twenty. he was white, frail, and shaky. "a token of a miserable existence," i thought. then i realized that he looked exactly like i do, and i'm not even on drugs. i only weigh 98 and i'm 5'8" or something like that. tried to talk to him, but he ignored me. then my friend took me aside and told me to scram, that i was "bad for business." came home. power's still out. i live in my sister's shadow. my parents tell me that i wasn't a "worthwhile investment." they talk about everything like it's money. been thinking about suicide all day. i have a tub of benadryl for when i can't sleep and i've got some of my mom's valium. does anyone see any reason why i shouldn't do it? i'm a parasite on everyone's ass and everyone wishes i weren't around anymore. they really do. i don't want to be here anymore. i'm sorry. i'm gonna do it tonight, i think. sorry to those of you who think you like me. i really am sorry if i've made you sad or anything.