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Don't feel like dying, just don't feel like living

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Flip, Sep 21, 2013.

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  1. Flip

    Flip Member

    Hi all,

    I'm not sure if this will make sense to anyone but it would be great to hear from you if it does.

    I won't bore you with a long life story so I'll try and explain what I mean concisely. I have never got any pleasure out of life despite how others perceive me (I should win an Oscar for my convincing performance). I've never really enjoyed anything; life has always been more of a chore than something worth living. I wake up every morning and have to prepare to drag myself through another day, just looking forward to the evening when I can go back to bed and sleep, which is the only time I can relax and get some peace. It feels like my life is a job that I hate, that I don't look forward to going to and I don't even get paid. If it were a job, I'd have quit a long time ago.

    It's not that I particularly want to die, although the thought certainly doesn't scare me (far from it); it's just that after years and years of battling through life, I just can't motivate myself to do it for much longer. It would be so much easier if the decision was taken away from me and I went to sleep one night and never woke up. I have a full-time job, a partner and a couple of dogs and it feels like I live for these, not myself. It takes every last bit of strength I've got to do what I have to do each day that I've got nothing left for me. Selfish? Maybe. Perhaps this is how life is supposed to be and I'm just ungrateful. I don't know.

    I'm on medication for anxiety and depression which numbs me a little but obviously doesn't solve the problem. I do everything I can to help myself but, to be honest, I don't ever remember getting enjoyment out of life so I'm not sure that there is anything I can do to solve this.

    I'm new on here and this might have been discussed before, so apologies if I'm duplicating. I'd love to know if anyone feels the same and how they cope. Am I missing something?

    Take care everyone

    Philip x
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Philip depression does that takes away joy it does I am sorry the meds are only numbing you Have you tried changing meds up a bit or adding new ones on that helps hard to treat depression . I cope by just keeping busy by not thinking and by focusing on my family not me Just want to say Hi and let you know i do understand your tiredness hun hope you can find something that gives you energy to keep going
  3. Flip

    Flip Member

    Thanks - it's great to know someone understands. I've been on and off meds, up and down. My problem is that if I change them around, I get virtually unbearable anxiety which is very hard to ignore. At least that's under control at the moment.

    Like you, I also keep busy and focus on the day-to-day stuff. It just seems like other people are enjoying life and we're just surviving it. Of course, you never know what other people are dealing with under the surface but it all seems like such hard work for no reward.

    Really kind of you to reply :-o

    P x
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes hun we are just surviving i survive for my family it would be nice to be able to enjoy again i too go off and on meds when i am extremely low i will use meds to keep me here
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