don't fit and help = danger

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Sep 30, 2007.

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  1. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    i know i cannot survive much longer...because agony is everywhere. life is torture. all my words feel cliche and lame, including the ones about agony and torture...but there are no other words to describe it in my vocabulary. i'm tired.

    i do not fit anywhere (i've looked for 20+ years).
    i need professional help, but professional help is dangerous and untrusted...i.e. even the so-called professionals are unsafe (i've tried over a dozen therapists/meds/psychiatrists in the 20+ years)

    so (1) I don't fit and (2) the world isn't safe for me and, on top of it, (3) i loath myself.

    so it is over.

    unless i can get over the FACT professionals have done as much damage to me as the other traumas in my life (sexual, physical abuse; neglect...other)...then i won't even be able to tell a professional i am in danger of suicide, because...well...they are not to be trusted.

    i'm off.
     
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    why is professional help dangerous?
    you're being paranoid hun they're there to help you :hug:
     
  3. j86

    j86 Well-Known Member

    I can understand how you feel. The first time I was diagnosed, I felt they left me incomplete when it come to answers and facts. So, in a way, I feel they have done my wrong which has caused so many problems over the years.

    I understand it is hard to trust professionals because they are always "two-sided". First, you WANT to feel comfortable with them because they are who you turn to. The second, you feel they are going to do a sleazy job just for the money. To take you in and get you out as soon as possible.

    My advice would be to take it slow. Take a breather and look for professional help again but on a different state of mind. Don't let paranoia get to you. Know that you NEED help and a professional is someone that can. Don't let their "two-sided" view blur you.
     
  4. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    for 3 years (March 2004-May 2007) i worked with the same therapist (after working with others in years before that we not effective).

    the 3 years with that therapist were good/great...she was caring. i was attached to her.

    she said "my attachment was a sign of progress". she even wrote that in her treatment plans to my insurance company. she said the longer "he is able to withstand the anxiety that surrounds attachment, with out being 'wrenched away' as has been his experience in the past the longer he is able to see he can be in a relationship without loosing himself.

    but, without warning or explanation, at the end of May 2007 she sent a formal letter ending the therapeutic relationship. I spend a month trying to get some explanation, some closure, some last one hour face to face where i could say goodbye. even if she thought she had done all she could, she could have at least given me some explanation. but she did not. she said in her termination letter she was available for 30 days for emergencies. i was suicidal, hospitalized by force twice that month. she refused to return my calls and never talked to me again.

    to go from her tender sincere care that i saw for 3 years to this sudden abandonment...

    well....it is HARD TO TRUST professionals now...when one can be so consistent for 3 years and then turn on you.

    that's why professional help cannot be trusted.
     
  5. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    Ipse_Dixit, or maybe you became too dependent on your therapist and s/he noticed that development.

    The aim of a therapy is to increase your self-awareness by giving you tools how to do that. Councilors help you in skill acquisition, ultimately leading you towards your independence. During therapy, you may develop some feelings of reliance towards the therapist, but a professional therapist normally knows how to handle these feelings. I doubt that professionals don't have your well-being/your interest in mind when coming to a decision of discontinuing a therapy.





    .
     
  6. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member


    i have thought that....i have thought a lot of things....but

    but there was no preparation, no explanation, which is exactly like many of the traumas I was dealing with in therapy. it was like she was talking to me on the phone and then decided to suddenly hang up and disconnected her phone.

    i guess no one can really understand it.

    i will stop now. i think i'm realizing posting here about it is just trivializing it. it is too big now...to deadly for me.
     
  7. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    Abe Lincoln was clinically depressed. If modern psychiatry had been around in his day he probably would have been drugged into submission by adderrall when he was a child and prozac as an adult. He likely would have whined about his problems his entire life while he sat on the porch and ate pills. The slaves would probably have remained so for many more years, and the country would have been torn apart.
    Come on people, psychiatry is more accepted and widely used today than any time in history, and yet the suicide rate is higher than ever before. Maybe having someone hold your hand and tell you that your shitty life is ok is not really the answer. Maybe using extraordinarily powerful prescription drugs that forever alter your brain is not the answer either.

    I have been suicidal for five years and will kill myself the second my parents are no longer around to witness it. I have never and will never go to shrink. I know why my life is shitty, and my suicidal feelings make perfect sense to me given my situation. I don't consider it a "disorder," just a natural response to having a shitty life. I certainly don't need to let some complete stranger in on my most intimate problems, whine about them, and then listen to him try to mindfuck me into thinking that its really ok.

    For those of you that don't trust shrinks, I think you have a valid viewpoint. I don't know anyone who was ever helped long term by a shrink, and the people who have taken psychiatric drugs for a long time are usually the most screwed up of all. Misery is part of the human condition for most people. Like Hemmingway said, "a happy intelligent person is the rarest thing I know." Psychiatry doesn't acknowledge this most basic of human truths. Only in the last few decades when our society became wealthy enough where most people no longer want for material things has the idea arisen that not being happy is a "disorder." This is total BS. Most adults are not happy, and they can't be "fixed" because they are not broken. They are simply responding naturally to the inherent meaninglessness of this silly and brutal competition we call life.

    Learn to have some self reliance. Over time, even if you never achieve happiness, you will at least feel less dependent and will have a little bit more inner pride and self respect than you otherwise would have if you whine to a shrink all the time and rely on daily drugs to function. Learn to find some meaning in your suffering and your life, rather than have somone else tell you what you should feel and believe. Read Viktor Frankl. You may find that other people respect you more as well when you suffer in silence, which may help your ability to form relationships.

    Killing yourself is a legitimate option in some situations. Decide if things can get better if you work hard at it, and if so get started. If not, then you need to consider your family and friends and the effect a suicide will have on them. Decide whether or not you can endure for them, and if so take it one day at a time. If you have to die, die without being a drugged up moron on shrink drugs.

    Just one man's opinion.

    BTW I don't mean to offend anyone here who goes to a shrink or takes pills, I just don't necessarily think that is the best thing for most people who are suffering. Be very careful what sort of advice you listen to when you are in despair, as you are likely to buy into just about anything that you want to hear. I have worked in the health care industry, I was pre-med in college, and I have taken psychology classes. Many MDs consider psychiatry and the drugs that it uses to be pseudoscience in many if not most applications.
     
  8. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    life is just something that hurts...pointless pointless life this is....for me and for who knows how many others.
     
  9. jryan3434

    jryan3434 Active Member

    Just to reiterate again, I don't mean to talk down to anyone who goes to a shrink or whines about their problems. I just think that the whole attitude surrounding psychiatry can do more harm than good. Shrinks start out with the basic assumption that you are a victim. An attitude of victimhood always leads to despair. I have certainly done my fair share of whining, not to a shrink but to family and friends, and one day I realized that it just doesn't help. If anything it erodes self respect by establishing dependency. Complaining, victimhood, and seeking reissurance is like a drug that can develop into a destructive addiction. The only way to end the cycle is to simply stop doing it. I am not happy today by any means, but I do feel a little better knowing that I don't complain about my problems, and other people don't look down on me for doing so.

    Ipse-Dixit:

    Life may be pointless, but you have two options. You can die or you can live. I'm not passing judgement one way or another. I have chosen to live, at least for now, in order to protect my parents. That is my purpose and my meaning in life right now, and it has enabled me to cope. It is unbelievably hard, but as Nietzsche said, a man who has a proper "why" can endure almost any "how." The key here is endure. Enduring doesn't mean enjoying. For some of us it is our destiny to suffer. If you decide to live you don't have to eliminate the suffering, but you do have to find a purpose in it. Maybe you can't find a purpose like I have. Only you can know.

    What I am trying to say though is this- the choice is simple. It is ultimately your decision. If you do decide to keep living though, you have to do it for a reason. Once you have found that reason or meaning, stop complaining and get on with the business of enduring. Trying to find comfort and friendship in a professional hand holder is a false and temporary comfort and ultimately will not help. Right or wrong, no one wants to be friends with someone who is a dependent whiner. Until you learn to "suffer in silence" as they say in the military, your social situation will simply not get any better.

    Just because your choice is painful doesn't mean it is not simple.
     
  10. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    Jryan, I'm glad you found a philosophy that works for you. Yet, for me, it just isn't simple.
     
  11. rwillson

    rwillson Well-Known Member

    the world isn't safe, once it might have been those days are over, i might have thought i found a safe place at one time, i might have felt i even found a place that i fit, so to speak. but the world, life, that thing that people say is so wonderful came and took it all away. took away the one thing i cared most about and destroyed all the good work i had done getting to where i was. i am a pessimist when people say it will get better, i have been hearing that since i was 11, it hasn't...

    r...
     
  12. t00whomitmayconcern

    t00whomitmayconcern Active Member

    This is very true. The things they do to you. The help profesionals cant be trusted. I sapose that is why i am sucidal now, because ive started remembering the things they did to me. I do not know whats worse not remembering what they did or starting to remember.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 21, 2007
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