i know i cannot survive much longer...because agony is everywhere. life is torture. all my words feel cliche and lame, including the ones about agony and torture...but there are no other words to describe it in my vocabulary. i'm tired. i do not fit anywhere (i've looked for 20+ years). i need professional help, but professional help is dangerous and untrusted...i.e. even the so-called professionals are unsafe (i've tried over a dozen therapists/meds/psychiatrists in the 20+ years) so (1) I don't fit and (2) the world isn't safe for me and, on top of it, (3) i loath myself. so it is over. unless i can get over the FACT professionals have done as much damage to me as the other traumas in my life (sexual, physical abuse; neglect...other)...then i won't even be able to tell a professional i am in danger of suicide, because...well...they are not to be trusted. i'm off.