I have had a pretty good life. I have a family that is very close, and they are all super nice and loving. I am considered to be pretty good looking, and I have never had any problems with getting girls, be it for one night stands or relationships. I was always good at school, got good grades, never got into trouble, never done any drugs nor smoked. I'm reasonably good at everything I do and people seem to generally like me and trust me well. I have never lost anyone close to me and never been through any traumatizing experience in my life. Yet I have been obsessed with dying my entire life. I can remember my first suicidal thoughts when I wasn't even 10 years old, today I'm 29. I have had three serious suicide attempts before, which nobody knows about. Last one was about 3 years ago. I just don't want to be alive, and I don't know why. I tried some medicine years back, don't remember the name anymore, and it just made me feel sick, without changing my feelings. Today I have good access to chemicals through my studies, and I have assembled a mini "suicide kit". All I need to do is mix it, drink, and I'll be gone shortly after. I've already written a small note to my family, which I don't think has any idea of how I really feel. I don't really know the true purpose of this post. I don't know if I'm going to do it tonight, next week or in a year. But I assume I will do it at some point.