Don't have weed, I'm worried

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by NotThisLife, Sep 13, 2010.

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  1. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    In my life, there is not much keeping me going. Cowardice, fear of another failed suicide attempt is probably the main thing keeping me here on earth, however, it is not the only thing.

    Weed makes the pain stop. Weed makes me focus on other things, instead of obsessing over the terrible couple of years I've had. It also helps my songwriting.

    Now, the problem is cost. My mom has been buying it, with her disability income. 60$ per month is all that we can afford, and that's not cutting it. I need it twice a day, when I wake up and later in the evening. My whole day is shot if I don't have it at those times. If I know I don't have any to come home to, I get suicidal. If I know I DO have some at home, I can deal with just about anything that day

    So now, there is no more for the rest of the month. I've had a very difficult time these last few days and smoked far more than I had intended. It's like my life has gotten so unbearable I need to be baked all the time. I'm deathly worried what is going to happen these next few days and weeks. I get out of control when I do not have smoke, both violent and suicidal. I'm hoping against hope I'll be able to cope

    I hate myself for getting my mom to buy it as it is. Even if we could afford it, I would despise myself for asking for more. I'm an awful person.
  2. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    As someone who is also abusing a substance, i can relate.
    The weed enhanced your pleasure, your sense, your feeling and you have grown accustomized to it. Now, without it you can't feel the same. You think everything is not as enjoyable. But that is just in your head. You need to review the way you used look at things.
  3. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I will try to remember your words tomorrow. Right now, I'm pretty mellow. But I know tomorrrow, which will be the first full day without, is gonna be rough

    One thing I do know for sure is that I am sick of my mood hinging on anything like a bag of weed. I was thinking about that the other night. On one hand, it seems ludicrous to allow something like a lack of pot to make me suicidal. On the other hand, there are many people out there dependent on anti-depressants, so what's the difference? I mean, considering the couple of years I've had I guess I'm lucky all it takes is a few hits to bring me close to something almost like happiness.

    Right now, it's just a money issue. I'd love to get clean, but right now my top priority is trying to work a day or two at a temp service so I can get some. I know I should put that money towards college, but right now it's about living to see next week, so I'm not thinking long term. Christ I'm pathetic
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 13, 2010
  4. Stray

    Stray Account Closed

    I lived with a pot addict and i've seen what it can do to a person. Find a way to make money or try to make it spin out a bit more when you do have it.
  5. MaNg0s

    MaNg0s Well-Known Member

    I am going through the exact same freaking thing. Except I buy my weed which is just as bad cause it feels like I am working just to buy some grass. The weeks you don't have weed keep your mind occupied focus on your songwriting I know it might not give you the same creativity you feel when you are baked but it will keep you busy. Its what I had to do a while back took a few weeks break then I wasn't soo dependant on it but then I just started smoking all day again now I am back to square one. But I am taking a 2 week break starting soon you need to break the dependence and get used to dealing with reality no matter how shit you feel.
    I know how you feel it stops the pain but after a while your dependence goes up for it and you will have to smoke more and more and more which means buying more and more and more. Take this break when and when its done just start by having a smoke once a weekend like a treat for yourself after the week is done.
    I hope it works out for you life sucks and even though sometimes we think life is short fuck it and decide to roll one up it still doesn't solve any of the fucked up shit that is still going on in your life. and you are no way near pathetic people have problems you have realised your problem and you are trying to think of a solution if you just ignored how dependant you are getting on it then that's a different story. Good luck .
  6. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I have been following this thread for a while now & finally decided to chip in..

    As a life long pot head, I finally made the move to stop about 2 months ago due to an impending medical..The first couple of weeks were hell..I couldn't sleep, was so short tempered & because of a longstanding ED, couldn't eat (I must be the only pot head anorexic around, or it feels that way!!)

    I have been stoned most of my adult life, had no will power if I had buds in the house, it would be the first thing I would do when I woke up (If off duty) & the first thing I wanted to do when I returned home (I rarely drink alcohol so used pot as a wind-down in the evenings)

    Now two months on, I realise what a psychological addiction I had..Every day has been a struggle as my foul moods take hold but if I can take one thing from my little bud-holiday it is that abstinence makes the dope grow stronger..Once this medical is done with I have a three month window before I have to clean up for yet another piss test..The question is, will I go back to the bud? After realising just what a strong psychological addiction I had, is it worth it? (Despite loving it so much)

    All I know is that you have my support & respect at these hard times my friend..I know how wretched it is to crave something & not be able to have it..

    Peaceful thoughts
  7. NotThisLife

    NotThisLife Well-Known Member

    Thanks to everyone for chiming in. You words, everyone's, is much appreciated. A friend has given me some to get me through the next few days. I decided I must go into treatment for the trauma I endured during the yearlong legal battle than ended in my conviction for a crime I didn't do. That conviction shattered the trust I had in the justice system, although I smoke pot all the time I always liked cops. Now, my opinion of the police has been shattered, along with my life itself. Everytime I fill out an application for a job I have to answer the question: "have you ever been convicted of a crime?"

    So that's my dillimma, in order to improve my life I need a job so I can get back on my feet. But every applicaton I fill out is a major trigger for suicidal thoughts. So this is what I have done; I confided some of this to a friend, and together we called the only hospital I would consider for inpatient treatment. They will not have a bed open for a couple of days, and he was kind enough to give me enough to last until a bed opens up. Thank God for good friends
  8. tranceadikd

    tranceadikd Member

    Man i hate those days that i dont have bud. I go phsycotic. Get very aggitated easily. I do find though smoking it for me is a routine. I dont drink or do anything else.
    It is a vicious circle that started when i was 16 and has followed me for the last 7 yrs. I dont see myself giving up ne time soon because i dont have anything to fill that smoking time with. I do enjoy my buds time just like others enjoy catching up at the pub for a drink.

    When i dont have any i find getting out of the house as long as possible helps soo much!!!! Smoking cigs DONT help.. just make me crave it more.
  9. SCUK2009

    SCUK2009 Well-Known Member


    Go on holiday for two weeks to a place you won't be able to buy weed. When you come back smoke a fat spliff. The buzz will be so intense and horrifying it'll put you off weed for life. At least that's what it did for me.
  10. steveoh

    steveoh Active Member

    yea i used to smoke all day everyday, i found out that if you have important things to do, dont smoke until your finished, so during the boring work or w.e you do you can know that when your done you can get high, plus if you cut down you also will start getting higher, like the days when you first started..
  11. yah. i don't have any weed either... i could go for a dub right about now though. pretty much all i do anymore is sleep all day, wake up and get on the computer when im not applying for jobs. might hang with an old friend occasionally but usually just home. and weed helps the boredom.

    im going crazy! i want to smoke to.
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