In my life, there is not much keeping me going. Cowardice, fear of another failed suicide attempt is probably the main thing keeping me here on earth, however, it is not the only thing. Weed makes the pain stop. Weed makes me focus on other things, instead of obsessing over the terrible couple of years I've had. It also helps my songwriting. Now, the problem is cost. My mom has been buying it, with her disability income. 60$ per month is all that we can afford, and that's not cutting it. I need it twice a day, when I wake up and later in the evening. My whole day is shot if I don't have it at those times. If I know I don't have any to come home to, I get suicidal. If I know I DO have some at home, I can deal with just about anything that day So now, there is no more for the rest of the month. I've had a very difficult time these last few days and smoked far more than I had intended. It's like my life has gotten so unbearable I need to be baked all the time. I'm deathly worried what is going to happen these next few days and weeks. I get out of control when I do not have smoke, both violent and suicidal. I'm hoping against hope I'll be able to cope I hate myself for getting my mom to buy it as it is. Even if we could afford it, I would despise myself for asking for more. I'm an awful person.