Don't kill yourself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rapoli, Jul 5, 2007.

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  1. Rapoli

    Rapoli New Member

    In this thread, I will tell my story and share with you reasons to reconsider life. Don't commit suicide. There are other options. I'll be honest and frank.

    Here is the truth. If you are suicidal, its not your fault. Its not because you are fucking weak. If you are like me, you've been told repeatedly how pathetic you are. Thats bullshit! All of it!

    Its because you have decided life is not worth living. You're an intelligent human being. If you reach this conclusion, you probably have good reason!

    My family moved to a new town when I was in fourth grade. I lost all of my friends. At my new school, I did not make new friends. To the contrary, I was bullied every day. Year after year of bullying destroyed my confidence. I became afraid of people and avoided them as much as possible. I could not make eye contact, and I shaked uncontrollably when forced to speak. I became a recluse.

    I also developed a painful skin known as cholinergic urticaria. Cholinergic urticaria is an allergic reaction to your own sweat. I could not exercise. I could not walk outside on a warm day. There is no cure.

    I'm not sure when I started having suicidal thoughts. A few years ago. Eventually, suicide was all I could think about. I contemplated suicide for hours every day. I'd turn off the lights in my room, and browse various websites related to the subject. I studied the statistics, methods, and so forth. I was obsessed, because I thought suicide would release me and give me peace. Thats all I wanted. Other people wanted cars, or women, or nice houses. I just wanted fucking peace even if it meant eliminating myself.

    Why wouldn't I want to kill myself? Exactly what part of my day, my entire fucking life, was I supposed to enjoy? Was I supposed to live to please my family? What a crock of shit! I love my family. If I killed myself, they would understand. Was I supposed to tolerate the painful majority of my time on Earth for the few times when... everything miraculously worked out? The few fucking hours of the year when I was in peace? No, thats ridiculous!

    I lost my faith in god and in an afterlife. So, I figured... why not kill myself? I'm not enjoying my life. I'm not helping anyone by being here.

    On my eighteenth birthday, I was going to drive to the local Wal-Mart. I was going to purchase a rifle and ammunition with the money I had saved up over the years. I was going to purchase a last meal of my favorite candy and a bottle of chocolate milk.

    Then I was going to end myself in the forest near my home. That would be my birthday present to myself. The best and last gift I would ever receive.

    Thats how fucking distorted my thinking was. The truth is its all romantic bullshit! There is nothing grand in nonexistance.

    Maybe you're an atheist like me. You don't believe in an afterlife. Then guess what? Your life on Earth is all you will ever have. Doesn't that make every day infinitely precious? No matter how shitty they are?

    ...Or maybe you're religious. I won't criticize you for your beliefs. Most religious texts indicate suicide is a sin. Your own God says you will spend eternity burning in Hell! Think about that.

    I got over my suicidal tendencies... It took a long time, and work on my part! But I DID IT.

    The first step to recovery is learning to love yourself again. Society can destroy the very natural and necessary love every human is supposed to have for themself. You have to value yourself and your life no matter what.

    Next, you need to look at your problems critically. I had to rebuild my confidence. I had to CONVINCE myself... all the shit I had been told over the years, about how fucking weak I was... was all bullshit of the highest degree! And fuck the people who said that. Fucking stupid trivial idiots!

    I still have few friends. I am working on that. I still have cholinergic urticaria. I am hoping it passes some day.

    Thank you for reading this..
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Thank you for sharing with us. I believe you may give several people something to think about. I am glad you got through your suicidal feelings. I hope life continues to improve for you. :hug:
  3. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Well, I'm certainly glad you were able to find some peace. It's more difficult for some (obviously) than it is for others. At this point, I doubt that I'll ever go a day without some sort of depressing thought creeping into my consciousness from some unknown place.

    Of course, everyone who contemplates suicide must eventually come to the conclusion that doing it won't solve anything. And yet the thoughts persist. It's not as simple as thinking rationally. If it were, suicide would almost never happen. Nobody really wants to die. Even if they say they do. Some people just haven't yet come to grips with what death is.
  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i have..

    i know what death is and have tasted it .. sort of... with my last attempt..
  5. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Happy to hear you feel better, others might try for years and years without finding solutions :(
  6. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Oh, I didn't say I haven't tasted it. I won't go into that too much because I don't want to feel like I might be responsible for someone else's attempt. All I'll say is that it wasn't an actual attempt. It was an accident. And if there is anything beyond death and what I experienced was anything like it, I wouldn't describe it as pleasant. At all.
  7. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    this is a touching piece, but i do not agree with your beliefs on god. thank you for the words anyhow. :)
  8. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    you must be very self-determined, one has to be strong to do what you did. Unfortunatley not many of us are that strong.
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