dont know anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hatelife, Dec 11, 2006.

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  1. hatelife

    hatelife Active Member

    ......somedays i feel fine like i can actually see the good person staring back from the mirror but slowly each day the smile fades that little bit more. I can not talk to my friends about how much harder it is to do my normal things like work, how each day a bit more life seems to be fading. see my friends think this is all an act. maybe it is, maybe thats all i want is the attention. i dont know anymore but all i know is that i can not ruin christmas for these people so at the moment i am thinking that i know how i will celebrate the new year.

    See the new year is a new beginning of a new chapter and this year i think i will make it a new chapter. a new chapter into another life if there is such a thing. see part of me does not want to do it but that part is fading each day and i dont know why. my friends see happiness cos thats what they want yo see and what i want them to see......

    i dont know. i think i will find out in 3 weeks. 3 weeks for things to improve but i dont see how that can happen in the real world.

    hey does anyone here know the worm song? i think that is the most ironic song for someone to come up with for kids to sing.
     
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    It's good that your waiting to see if it can get any better. You've got that initiative now, a drive. But don't put all of your expectations into it getting better in three weeks time (although i hope it does for you).
    Your pretty much in the same boat as me and this is something new to me as well and i dont know what the new year will bring but whether it is good or bad i'm going to see 2006 off with a bloody good laugh. Have as much fun as you can and live those days like parties are going out of fashion and when you come out of the other end you might just have kept that drive, and it might just see you to having a better life in 2007.
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Do you mean the:

    Nobody loves me, everybody hates me I think I'll eat some worms !!

    song?

    cos if so I knows it :laugh: :laugh:
     
  4. hatelife

    hatelife Active Member

    Yeah see the problem is that i am doing that, continuing to live life just like i was before, but when i go out my mates see the girl who just wants to have fun and is crazy in a good way and rock the world but then when they look away the smile is gone. its like a candle burning inside me and the flame is getting smaller. I tried to tell my social worker or whatever you call her but like normal not much seems to have happened.

    i made a lot of mistakes and caused myself all this pain but this time i just can not stand back up. in the past i always bounced back but this time i gave my heart to two guys, to the guy i loved and to my best mate and both have turned away. now a peice of me is missing. i know a lot of people will know what i am going through and a lot is going through more but even my faith in god is fading and i am so afraid of what will happen if i dont get help. i can not even go back on anti depressents because i am afraid of what will happen after last time. i can not go into more details on that issue which is probley a good thing.

    Yes i do mean the nobody likes me worm song. That song is so ironic that little kids sing it that it is anything but funny.
     
  5. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Are you more open with some friends than others? You need to be able to express what your feeling to those important to you. I suppose it's like the therapist is helping sometimes but theres going to be a part of you that needs to confide in someone you love. If you don't find confidence it will always get worse and worse. It's like hiding the one part of you that you think of the most. That one important part of you that's feeling all this pain. Over time you never show it, you get used to it being there but then you start (you might have even started) thinking about it more and more and maybe asking questions like "I wonder if anyone really knows me?". Which turns into "No one knows me".
    I really do think this is the hardest thing about being sad. Having to tell people how you really feel, ripping that mask off. But if you don't it becomes horrid nearly all of the time (from what ive seen of other people bottling it up).
    I'm sure you understand because of your comment on a flame being slowly extinguished. It's like your starving yourself of love.
    You said there was more to it that you can't talk about to us. Are you sure you can't as it's no where near as hard talking to people you don't know on a forum because your anonymous.
    Anyhow, were here to listen if you change your mind.
     
  6. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    A song about eating worms. I would like to know more about this song...pm me about it. Thanks.
     
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