Don't know anymore.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ~Claire, Dec 26, 2010.

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  1. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I really don't know anymore. For a while now I've been extremely uncomfortable with posting outside of The Coffee House, so I don't know why I'm posting here & not privately like I usually do. I guess I just want to be heard, if you know what I mean.

    I think I am losing my battle. It's hard to describe what I'm feeling at the moment. I feel ok but at the same time I'm feeling really destructive & I want to hurt myself. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm going round in circles. At times I am ok, better than ok. But those moments don't last long. The depression always creeps back, each time lasting longer. I am notoriously non compliant with meds, plus I've been on so many anti depressants I am reluctant to try anymore. The only one that seemed to work was Effexor, but I liked that a little too much & self medicated with it. During that time I was at my best, I felt amazing, invincible. But because of my past experience with meds I am scared to go back to the Doctor. I was discharged from my CPN & psychiatrist well over a year ago. I wasn't any better but I wasn't getting any worse so we decided to have a break, the door was left open if I need to go back. But I don't want to go back, it's taking me all my time to write this let alone having to see people face to face.

    I understand that I'm not the only one that feels like this here, but outside of SF, I feel like it's me against the world. Always having to put on a smile & pretend nothing's wrong. To look at me, people wouldn't say I'm depressed. After all, what have I got to be depressed about? And in some ways, they are right. But if anything, that makes me feel even worse, like my depression isn't justified.

    I'm off work for Christmas & New Year. I don't start back till the 10th of January, usually I can lose myself in work & forget about me. But if I'm not there I really don't know if I can keep myself safe. Or even if I want to be safe. I'm just so confused.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Claire. Sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Just do your best to get through the holidays. Take the time to rest and recover, before starting work again. Don't let your depression get the better of you. :hug:
  3. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi. You aren't alone so make the most of support from sf to get you through until Jan 10th. Can you put any distraction activities into place? I'm a Scrabble addict and play against the pc - I can lose myself for hours. Take care and stay with us.
  4. Tealc

    Tealc Banned Member

    hold on Claire

    Stipe can say it better than me .

    When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
    When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
    Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

    Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
    When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
    If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
    When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

    'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
    Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
    If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

    If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
    When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

    Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
    Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
    And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
    Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
    Everybody hurts. You are not alone

    you are never alone Claire
  5. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone, trying to keep distracted with YouTube & the tv. It's hard & I keep finding triggering things to watch. Which just seems to be pushing me closer & closer. I'm not even trying to keep myself safe anymore. I don't care, I'm not worth it.
  6. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    You are worth it whether you believe it or not. Watch happy things on YouTube and the tv - have you got any comedy DVDs?
    I know you don't want to see your CPN or psych but I think you should reconsider. How about making an appointment to see your GP as soon as possible?
    Take care and keep posting. X
  7. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    The surgery doesn't open till Wednesday, I am hoping these feelings will have passed by then. Last time I was there they sent me back to CPN & it wasn't the same CPN I would be seeing so I never bothered going to the appointment. If I was my GP, I wouldn't bother trying to put anything in place because I just don't try anymore. I would be wasting their resources.

    The tv is not up too much, watched Knight & Day then Confessions of a Shopaholic. Don't Tell The Bride is on now, but it's just for background noise. It's getting to the ridiculous stage & my thoughts are overwhelming me. Going to open a bottle of wine in the hope they'll stop.

    Thanks Fitzy :hug:.
  8. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Mmmhhh I understand how wine can wipe out some of the overwhelming thoughts but be careful because it's a depressant. Sending warm thoughts. X
  9. VCircle

    VCircle Active Member

    Feeling similar at the moment. Feeling a lot of hurt and pain and just want to numb myself every night. Alcohol helps do this, but it such a bad depressant - puts my brain in bad spaces. My antidepressants are taking too long to kick in also.

    Distraction is crucial. Keep busy. Do positive things and don't let the bad brain suck you into do self harm.
  10. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Keeping busy with Pinot Grigio & trying to find something that will tip me over the edge.

    Good times.
  11. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member


    I just wrote you a long post but then timed out. I just wanted to let you know your not alone. I also find it hard to find things to do with myself. This is the biggest problem for me, keeping occupied, the demons away. Maybe we can help eachother out. What kind of hobbies do you have. I like to do just about anything with outdoors, I love to hike, camp, but with it being cold its hard to find comfort in anything.

    I find it really hard to find woman that want to do anything thats not shopping or gossiping behind someones back. So for me its really about doing alot of things with my H or by myself. I also tend to lose interest really quick it seems like if its not an instant gradification, im not interested. Trying to work on that one.

    Anyway, wanted to say that Im here if you ever just want to chat or vent. PM anytime.
  12. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Thanks doityourself. I struggle with keeping myself occupied. That's why I'm usually ok at work but outside of that I suck. I don't have many hobbies now, I keep myself to myself mainly in my bedroom. Sometimes I watch my 3 year old nephew but that's it. I have friends, I have a fiance but I'm just not interested anymore. Nothing brings me pleasure & like you, I lose interest quickly. I can be very impatient at times.

    The weather here is not good which is the perfect excuse not to go out. Usually I would try & force myself to take the dogs out for a good walk but even the thought of that is making me anxious.
  13. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Well then we already have something in common, we both need interesting lives, lol. Now how do we go about getting them????

    Alot that I do is forced, I force myself to do things out of the ordinary. When I get really manic, I force myself out of the house away from stress, believe it or not I perfer to be by myself in manic phase, that way I cant lash out at anyone, see my manic brings out the anger in me, anger that I have no life, anger that I cant seem to make myself happy, anger that I have depression to even start with. Its all so very tiring and self consuming which brings out more guilt.

    You say your engaged, are you having a big wedding? Is the date planned yet? I know that in itself can bring on alot of stress? Does your finance know and understand what you feel? Does he help you out with trying to eliminate the anxiety?

    I wont lie and say that living with depression, anxiety, stress is ever easy because its not. You have to learn how to control and know what brings it all on, thats the first step the next one is being able to control it. How long have you felt this way, do you know or remember when it all started?
  14. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I've been engaged for 5 years. We'll never get married. I hate being the centre of attention, I couldn't cope with it being all about me plus I'm not planning on living long enough to see a wedding. My fiance isn't aware of anything. He knows I am not the same person that I used to be but I've lived like this for so long now, it's just something we have both accepted. I try to tell him some of the thoughts that are in my head but he laughs, thinking I am 'not right in the head'. And I guess he's right, even I think some of my thoughts are a bit obscure at times.

    I don't get manic or at least I don't think I've been manic. I have had episodes where I have 'better' but this may just have been brief respites from the depression.
  15. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Stopped drinking. Then started again.

    It is too loud & everything is overwhelming me. I can't catch my breath. It has to stop.

    Thanks to all that replied but this thread can be closed now.

    Stay safe everybody.

    Claire xx
  16. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Do you ever sit and wonder why you feel this way, what have I done in my life to be like this, that I dont deserve it. I know I have many of many of times. I ask myself why do I deserve to live, why even bother if its going to be this way? Have you ever heard an answer?

    I bet you have, I bet you feel deep down what you need to do. I know this disease is overpowering and it takes over and you cant see anything but pain and guilt. It doesnt have to be that way, though. There is help out there that will make you feel better, even if its a just a push in the right direction to get you started. I dont know about you but Ive been dealing with bipolar, manic depression, anxiety, and now Ive been researching Post Tramatic Stress Sydrome. Im finding that it could have alot to do with whats wrong with me. I feel that the world makes efforts to improve whats out there to help us, so why wouldnt we atleast give it a try. You would go to the doctor if you broke your foot.

    There are times in our lives that it doesnt go the way we want, or maybe we get to a point to where its all dissapointing because you thought it was going to be much easier and more fun. These things that we miss out on, the fun, the love, the lives we live we have to create ourselves.

    You say you are engaged to be married, you have someone that loves you and cares for you. You also have family that needs you to be part of the team. You should feel special that you have that, so many people lives are consumed with aloneness and quiet. Not to discount your hurts because we all have our own, I just wish you could see the good in your life. I wish you could see that your life would and can be worth living, make it worth living. Get out there and do what you need to satisfy yourself, you owe yourself atleast that.

    Put the drink down, try to give it a week with no drinking, clear your mind, get outside breathe some fresh air. Then think about your situation, dont do this with a cloudy mind. The alcohol and disease is telling you things that are wrong, dont listen to it, dont give in to it.

    Im sorry that there are no words to make you feel better, I wish I could hug you and tell you its going to be okay. I wish you would keep talking, let it out.
  17. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member


    I'm well aware of everything good that I have in my life. I understand that I am fortunate to have family, friends, a job. Knowing that I should be grateful then realising that I'm not only makes me feel worse. Selfish & self absorbed, I know. I have sat & wondered many a time, why me? I've yet to find an answer so I don't go looking for one anymore.

    Thank you for all your responses, please don't be offended if this thread is closed. I do appreciate all the replies, I am just extremely uncomfortable with the focus being on me & I find it incredibly difficult to open up.

    Take care, stay safe & thank you :hug: Claire xx
  18. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Claire, if you would like you can PM me anytime. Its okay to not have all the answers, its okay to feel the way you do, dont be ashamed, or feel that your not worth anything. We all have our own problems they may not seem big to the next person but I bet they feel huge to you. Im willing to argue with you about this anytime, lol. Im hard headed to, lol.

    Hugs and hope you feel better.
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