I really don't know anymore. For a while now I've been extremely uncomfortable with posting outside of The Coffee House, so I don't know why I'm posting here & not privately like I usually do. I guess I just want to be heard, if you know what I mean. I think I am losing my battle. It's hard to describe what I'm feeling at the moment. I feel ok but at the same time I'm feeling really destructive & I want to hurt myself. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm going round in circles. At times I am ok, better than ok. But those moments don't last long. The depression always creeps back, each time lasting longer. I am notoriously non compliant with meds, plus I've been on so many anti depressants I am reluctant to try anymore. The only one that seemed to work was Effexor, but I liked that a little too much & self medicated with it. During that time I was at my best, I felt amazing, invincible. But because of my past experience with meds I am scared to go back to the Doctor. I was discharged from my CPN & psychiatrist well over a year ago. I wasn't any better but I wasn't getting any worse so we decided to have a break, the door was left open if I need to go back. But I don't want to go back, it's taking me all my time to write this let alone having to see people face to face. I understand that I'm not the only one that feels like this here, but outside of SF, I feel like it's me against the world. Always having to put on a smile & pretend nothing's wrong. To look at me, people wouldn't say I'm depressed. After all, what have I got to be depressed about? And in some ways, they are right. But if anything, that makes me feel even worse, like my depression isn't justified. I'm off work for Christmas & New Year. I don't start back till the 10th of January, usually I can lose myself in work & forget about me. But if I'm not there I really don't know if I can keep myself safe. Or even if I want to be safe. I'm just so confused.