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Don't know how I got here

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by angeljazz, Jun 21, 2012.

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  1. angeljazz

    angeljazz Member

    Hi everyone. I was googling stuff about suicide, and somehow I ended up here. Perhaps it's fate.

    I'm going to be 28 soon, and I have nothing to show for it. I mostly feel worthless, like I'm more valuable to people by being invisible. Unfortunately, I can't be invisible. People are required to have jobs, places to live, etc. I seem to fail at life a whole lot, which is sad because I had so much promise as a child. I was valedictorian of my high school, etc. Now, I can't even work at McDonald's. It was hard! I had my first day yesterday, and they put me on the cash register to shadow, and I couldn't even take that! There was too much hustle; my head was swimming.

    I'm really here because I have severe anxiety, but I have no idea how to treat it. Being depressed about my anxiety for so many years has made me a recluse. I tend to quit things. I'm a year away from getting my Bachelor's degree, but I honestly don't think it's going to happen. I have to do this major biology research project, and I have no idea where to begin. Other people's projects had some horrible ethics, and these people are going to be biologists, while I cannot. I've become very pessimistic about how the world works; it makes me think I do not belong.

    My fiance left me a while ago. He's dating a really mean girl who recently trolled my online journal calling me a *****, etc. I didn't know my ex-fiance (and best friend) could love someone who would intentionally hurt someone else that way, someone she didn't even know. Yes, I cheated on him, I regret it, and I want him back, but he's not coming back. He got fed up with me making mistakes, and now I get to feel worthless because our 5 year relationship wasn't worth the work or upkeep.

    Anyway, I'm here now. I keep putting off doing harm to myself for whatever reason... I don't really know why. My ultimate goal is to make a difference somewhere, doing something and being good at it. As of yet, I don't know what that will be. For now, life is hard and lonely. Thanks for allowing me to be a part of this group.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    WElcome to SF angeljazz hugs to you
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Angel and welcome...about your anxiety: have you talked to a professional who might be able to help? This is one area where there have been some good work done...about being worthless: I have felt that way; for me that was because I was so deeply depressed and could not see that I had any value....and about your fiance leaving and you cheating: I have done things I was ashamed of because of how I felt about myself...I have tried and almost succeed in forgiving myself...it was a long process, but one which was worth it...welcome and I am glad you have decided to be a part of our group here
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Hi angel and welcome.. With anxiety and real depression I agree with sad eyes.. Does the school offer any mental health treatment? Hon I have been to having no hope ever and feeling like worth less than poop. Therapy helped me a lot..might help you also..

    Think you need to take of these before you can deal with school and relationship and the rest of it all. In the meamtime look at the forums on here..see if you find a few that strike a nerve to post some more of what is currently going on..Jim
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