Don't know how I should feel

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Things, Apr 7, 2010.

  1. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    Just a long rant. Or something.

    I don't have a good relationship with my dad. It could be worse, yes, but he's caused me some pain while I was younger that I've never been able to out grow (he's not an abuser or anything like that. He's a good person, just a bad parent). He's the reason I can't cry in front of people, and why I've felt like such a failure when I was younger. He doesn't mean to hurt me, he just...doesn't think, I guess.

    But, he tried to be a good parent, and is still trying. He doesn't live with us, but he calls and I visit him to do things together (rarely, thank god). He's currently trying to help me with my homeschooling.

    It's just...sometimes, I wish he'd just forget I exist. I'm so used to him being gone, even before the divorce (he goes to places a lot with out us, me and mom don't like traveling like he does). I almost never think about him, and probably would never if he didn't call me.

    I dread hearing the phone ring. Hearing his voice makes me so irritated and angry, it feels like there's knots in my chest and wasps in my head. The words "just shut up, shut up, good god shut up" rings through my head during the whole conversation. Even if he's not saying anying annoying or bad. It's an uncontrolable reaction to just being in his presense.

    When I have to talk to him in person, I get very anxious and scratch my arm like crazy, which turns red. I don't like staying over at his house, but I do anyway because I feel like I owe him that much. Yet I never call him nor do I email him, despite him asking me to do it so much (I always tell him I forget. Which is actually true. Like I said, I just don't think about it). I shouldn't feel like this towards him, but I do, and it makes me feel guilty.

    The guilt has gotten worse in the past few days. He's been feeling pretty down lately (I think it's because he's recently broken up with his girlfriend. It's a real shame too, she was very nice). He sounded very sad from the last phone call.

    He wants us to stay over with him for a while, just a long visit at the beach (forgot the place. He said he'll only be there for five more weeks, which is why he wants us to see it so bad, I think). But I told him it won't work because mom is sick (and my grandma wouldn't be able to go either. She can't walk with out a cane for starters). They just can't walk around the beach all day. He sounded really disapointed, but I have no idea what to do about it.

    It hurts to hear him feel so bad. I guess this is a good thing, it means I care right? But I just feel like everything would be easier if we stayed out of each other's lives. Maybe I'm not appreciating him enough, maybe I'm being a bitch about it all. But I don't know how to fix that.

    We're going to the movies on my birthday. I surprisingly excited about it, but i'm half-dreading it too. I just know it's going to be awkward.

    There's not much point in all this. I just wanted to let it out. :/
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you are not to be his healer you need to look after your pain get some therapy and get rid of this pain from the past. He sounds like he is trying to stay connected to you Have you ever told him talk to him about how he made you feel how it still upsets you. Even if you write him a note explaining you feelings it helps and if you do or don't send it at least the pain is written down now out of your thoughts. You can send to him or rip it up and sometimes this helps.
    Pain from the past is just that you need to heal that so you and your dad can move forward and have a better relationship now. Take care.