tomorrow there's this meeting at work with me, I don't want to have to explain, but it's indescribably humiliating, devastating, degrading, demeaning... They told me it was coming, then it didn't for weeks so I thought they were going to forego it. Then right before Thanksgiving break, they scheduled it - for tomorrow, the day we're back. I've been the entire holiday break panicking and upset, crying almost constantly..... this is on top of a whole lot of other stuff..... it's just one more thing on top of everything else... I can't bear the thought of being in that meeting, of pretending like it's all okay while they slam me more into the ground and give me demeaning, condescending hoops to jump through...for the privilege of staying. But I can't afford to leave. I have a hard time keeping from my wrist.... it pulls to me to cut... in the work hallway there's a door to a roof, it pulls to me to go through I feel helpless and like a piece of dirt on someone's shoe I can't self-soothe so I don't know how I'll manage the meeting or the afterward. Before it, I know I will spend the day sick to my stomach... And pretending that everything is A-Ok. I don't know how to deal. It's just been too much. The alternatives are just as bad. I don't know what to do. I wish I could have an advocate with me, but that's impossible, not permitted. There will be 2-against-1, against me, and anything I say will be considered wrong. (I didn't do anything wrong, but I'm being treated as if I did... my word means nothing... it's all a bunch of craziness..... making me completely losing it...) I don't know how I'll sleep. Or if. I don't know if I'll even be a person when it's done. or just a pretending fake blob of nothingness, to agree to their grotesque game.