Don't know how much longer I can do this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kate0825, Feb 1, 2015.

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  1. Kate0825

    Kate0825 New Member

    Hi, I'm Kate (not my real name but anonymity is important so just call me Kate). I am 52 years old and in the last few days I have been considering suicide to be an option, which I had not allowed myself to do before. I have 3 kids who are 21, 17 and 14, and they're really the only reason I'm here now. In September my husband filed for divorce. I have not ever really been alone. I lived with my parents until 17, then in the dorms at college until 19, then with my husband. And since November 15, I have been alone (well, except that I have my kids half the time). I'm not going to lie, I made mistakes, but I didn't think they were enough to cause this. Last Thursday was my 32nd wedding anniversary and I got a message from my husband on Facebook that says "I just got asked out by a 30 year old." Since that time I have been looking up suicide methods online, trying to find one that is not too painful but will be effective. I can't stop crying. I don't want to live like this. It's not fair that he finds a younger woman when we're not even divorced yet and I sit here alone whenever I don't have the kids. Please don't tell me to get a younger boyfriend--I am so not ready to get back into the dating scene. Also, I was born with a birth defect that is visible, and that makes me fear no one else will ever want me. I can't stop the pain and I have to stop it. I missed 2 days of work last week (Thursday and Friday) and I don't want to miss more. I love my kids and I want to stay for them, but I am having trouble finding the strength. I am already on antidepressants and was doing reasonably OK until I was told about being replaced by a younger woman...depressed but managing it. I can't face having him flaunting his younger girlfriend in my face. Before I moved out he had been verbally/emotionally abusive for several years, which is another reason I don't want to be here any more. I have a therapist but all she keeps saying is that I will be better off without him. I don't believe that I am better off alone. I hate it. I feel old and ugly and like no one cares. I have not told anyone in real life that I feel this way because I don't want to be in a locked ward. I'm here because I want to stay for my kids and not hurt them, but I can't seem to stop the pain and I can't live with it either. Thanks.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2015
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are in so much pain and alone. Also sorry that he is adding cruelty to make the pain worse. Please do yourself a favor and block him on FB. While you have to talk because of the kids just make it clear that is all yo want to talk about if he is acting like a child. You can have meds adjusted, but the simple fact is things like that hurt regardless of the amount of meds. "getting in the swing of things" is not what you need, you just need time to grieve for the loss of a relationship and lifestyle you had for many years.

    So far as what will make that easier or better, I am afraid I have no answer but time. But time will allow you to adjust and decide what things you still can enjoy, and give you a chance to live for yourself. It may not be what you want right now but being married for along time myself I know there have been times that I wished could do some things that i cannot because married. While I would not want to make the trade either, it does give you the chance to not have to compromise what you want for a change and there is some small benefit to that if you allow yourself the luxury instead of punish yourself for something that is not your fault.

    I really wish I had better answers or advice, but I do not. If you need to talk though I am happy to listen so post here or feel free to pm.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Kate you have not had enough time to grieve ok as it is a loss of a life for you really. Give it time ok the pain will decrease it will and you will gain strength to move forward but right now it is too soon. Your children love YOU they know who you are and there are many people with physical disabilities that find partners
    People marry people because of what is inside them. Sounds like you deserve a better life now one with out him and his abuse. YOur children will need you to keep them safe from his agression as well Just give it time ok keep going to therapy talk it through it helps hugs
  4. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    I got divorced about the same age after 25 years of marriage and was devastated myself. Only thing was he was never around - he was always working - so I got used to being by myself. But he went and got himself a gf about his age right after the divorce and even still I feel like scum because I haven't found anyone. People used to tell me it gets easier as time goes by and it really does. But initially you have to grieve for the loss of your life as NYJ said above. It is like death without a body and for me it hurt worse than the death of my parents. Let yourself grieve, my therapist helped me through it and while I am here for other reasons my child,sibs, and friends love me.
    One thing that helped was a book called Life after Loss. Another thing that helped was meetup groups ( I got out with people even though I didn't want to and it helped ease the loneliness. I made friends that took my attention away from my situation. I still wish for someone but I acknowledge that it may never happen.
    I'm rambling now but if you want to pm me feel free. I understand.
  5. Kate0825

    Kate0825 New Member

    I just got off the phone with him and he will not admit even that I'm hurting. He always says I'm just looking for attention when I tell him how much this hurts me. I really don't know how much more I can stand of this. I don't want to hurt any more. I keep trying to hang on for my kids but it's not helping much. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to have to go through the whole dating thing. I want my own life back. I want my intact family back. Why is he looking to replace me already? I would rather be dead than feel like this.
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