I really don't know how much longer I can put off my bus ride. I also don't know anymore why I am putting it off, I mean for what? So I can see one of the cities I've always wanted to see and do it there, but why? It's still the same result just different f'in scenery, why does that seem to matter so much to me? I mean it's not like I'll have some huge epihany or some such b.s.by changing geographic locations, I've done that before(no epihany or rays of light coming down). Now I know that there are people who will say things like "hold on", "talk to a professional", "go to a hospital", "try meds", "try this, try that, try, try, try". Well I have tried, all of it, EVERYTHING, every little f'in thing imaginable. And for nearly a decade of my completely miserable life that has amounted to. . .nothing. . .absolutely nothing worthwhile. I am to quote a NIN's song just another one of "the wretched" and "it didn't turn out the way you wanted too, did it?" Which honestly is quite hilarious because while I never imagined my life quite this bad the reality is I never expected much. The fact is that I've spent my ENTIRE life(all that I can remember properly anyway an I don't really count my memories of being raped for 4 years so. . .) wishing only that it would. . .just. . .stop. The pain, the confusion, the emptiness, the lack of connection, the neverending anxiety, the desolate isolation(even while surrounded by 'friends'), my intelligence an intellect, and just the simple pain of breathing really. You know I've had people tell me many times that the reason I survived my past suicide attempts. Is because I have some 'purpose', I'm somehow 'important', or I'm just 'meant to live'. Yeah well what about ALL those other people who try and take their own lives that don't make it?, how the hell am I ANY more important then them?, what makes me oh so f'in 'special'?, huh? The fact is I'm NOT I'm just like everyone else just because of some roll of the dice of chance I made it. There's no. . .'cosmic force' or some such bs that's looking out for me. I'm just another one of the approximately 7 billion people on this trash bin of the universe. No more special or unqiue than anyone else or any one of you, I'm simply. . .me. And really that's not saying much given my complete lack of any worthwhile contributions to this world and this decaying society. If anything the only real 'purpose' I could possibly have is IN my suicide by showing people HOW NOT TO LIVE. That is personally the only possible, logical possibility that I have EVER been able to discern. Death does NOT scare me, never really has, dying well okay that holds some anxiety for me, but death itself. . .no. Now living on the other hand, living I just seem entirely, an completely incapable of being able to execute properly. . .at all. So here I sit, alone, in my room, in the dark, surrounded by my sharp things an other possible bus tickets(I know how OH SO CLICHE, lol), and all I can think. . .is "why wait". As usual I don't know why I'm bothering posting here, I'm set on my 'path' but I guess it still remains that I just NEED a place to speak my twisted little mind. That I just NEED to get this OUT to people who have some comprehension of what THIS FEELS LIKE and who have been here and may be on this 'path'. Although I really do encourage an plead(especially with those still in their teens especially because pyshiologically speaking your brains aren't even fully developed) that other people do seek some kind of help. Personally I'd say start with alternative treatments an natural ones before moving onto 'big pharma'. Just because well those pysch meds have really really nasty side effects an even scientists still have no idea what it does long term to peoples brains(especially young brains). And simple talk therapy can and sometimes is all that's needed for many people. So what I'm saying is 'you'(whoever you may be) you are not me and well as I've said I've tried an tried an tried and I just don't have anymore 'trying' left in me. Anyway I dunno what I gonna do or not do or try or give in to or. . .whatever. I just really really needed to get this out of me right now especially after the day I've had.