Don't Know How Much More

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mthom, Sep 14, 2014.

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  1. Mthom

    Mthom New Member


    I'm a single mother, about to turn 39 years old. My oldest is my daughter who is 18 years old. My son is 16. Both of my children have been raised without a father. However, I do have a mother who helps us out quite a bit.

    I feel like this post is going to be filled with self-pity dribble, though I certainly don't want it to be. It's just that I've gotten to the point that I don't think I can take any more. Life has been piling more and more on me, so much so that I can't imagine it getting much worse. Please, feel free to pass by this thread if you don't want to read.

    My children have been my entire life since the moments they were born. Nearly everything in my life revolves around them. They are good kids. My daughter isn't like a normal teenage girl. She doesn't run around with boys, getting into trouble. She doesn't drink or do drugs. My son does get into some trouble. He isn't a bad kid, but for the past two years, he's gotten much worse. We just moved into another county to get him away from his old crowd of friends. There, he was in trouble at school nearly every day. We ended up in court because he took dip to school. This ended up with us having to "reviews" in court every two weeks until school was out last year. I thought that if I got him away from his old friends, it would do him some good. We've been here for around 3 months. His grades are much better here, and he is playing football, which is something he couldn't do at the old school.

    Well, I work second shift, and don't get home until around midnight on work nights. So, I was asleep today when he decided to take my car and drive to Walmart to get snacks. We live 1/2 a mile from Walmart. Most of the time, he walks. What made him take my car baffles me even now, after we returned from the police station. Anyways, he hit a car and left because he was scared. Next thing I know, the police is here asking him about it. There is a dent in my car. He has no license and left the scene of an accident, so he is being charged with it. Now, for the really bad part. I had to borrow over $800 to move here, so had to let my car insurance go until I get that paid off. I've never had an accident in my life. Now, with no insurance, I have an accident that I am responsible for to pay for. What this means is, I have to file the accident with the state. They will likely suspend my license and I will have to get that high risk insurance to get them back. The police officer said that I would have to keep it for 5 years in order to keep my license. Which will mean paying probably $300 a month for insurance on top of all my other bills. I don't even have the funds to pay for regular insurance! I wouldn't even have internet connection now if not for my mother! Along with that, I'll have to pay to fix this woman's car (probably around $2000), court costs, monthly probation for my son, and God knows what else. This is literally impossible for me. There is no way I am going to be able to pay even half of this. I don't know what to do!

    Rewind 6 months ago. Both my son and I began therapy. I got him into therapy when he started high school, which was when his trouble really started. Before high school, he was a different child. Anyways, I was so depressed that I also started going to therapy myself at the same place I was taking him. We went for a few months, and the therapist has transferred elsewhere. The new therapist doesn't make me feel comfortable, so I stopped us both from going.

    I'm stuck working low-paying jobs in convenience stores or fast food restaurants. I've tried school before and lost my job while going. It took me a while to find a new job, so I didn't have the gas to get back and forth to school. I had to quit for a while. After finding a new job, I tried to get back in, but they wanted me to pay a large amount of money first. I couldn't afford it, so school is out for me. This means that I will -forever- be forced to work at minimum wage jobs just to attempt to survive. And when I say attempt to survive, I mean attempt. We can't get by on what I make. This is the reason I can't afford insurance!

    The thought of facing a dark future, barely scraping by to live, has left me lacking any desire to live at all. I mean, what's the point? Work for nothing, pay bills with money I don't have, worry myself to death over my son (who I love so much that I can't stand it), only to rinse and repeat in misery. Nothing ever gets better. I've been around for years, and nothing has improved. Yes, I have people who I love dearly. But, I just can't. I've tried to start over, but it hasn't helped. I've tried everything I can think of to make my life better. I'm never going to be able to be completely independent.

    I'm so worried about my son. What am I going to do when they take my license and I can't afford the insurance to get them back? How am I even going to get to my minimum wage job? How am I going to take my kids to the doctor?

    People view people like me as a "drain on society". We get food stamps, otherwise I couldn't feed my kids. We live in public housing. We can't afford anywhere else. I can barely afford it here. This pretty much makes me feel worthless.

    I don't want to die. And I do want to die. Death itself scares me. But living here scares me more. I don't see how anything in my life could ever improve. If I did, I would wait it out. But, it's been the same year after year. I'm getting older. My health is getting worse. It would have been better if I had never been born. I wish for that all the time. Then, I wouldn't have to think about suicide and what it would do to my children and mother. We have a close family. We love each other. I just don't want to be here anymore - haven't for a very long time now.

    Is it selfish for me to want to die? Perhaps. But is it also now my own choice? Am I considering the "easy way out". Absolutely. Why willingly submit myself to years worth of misery?

    I love my children so so much. But, I also feel guilty for bringing them into this cruel world. I've given them birth into a world that doesn't care about them. They will suffer through a life that means nothing in the end. We all die anyways. We get a few moments of happiness in exchange for many times that of misery. I've basically doomed two more innocent lives to suffer here in this world. That is the worst evil I can think of right now. I must really be a horrible person.

    I do not want to be here. There is nothing I can do about what will happen with this new car accident problem. The state will force it on me, and I will lose my job because I can't afford to pay for insurance. Nothing I can do but remove myself from the entire situation.

    Half of this post probably makes no sense. Having been written through a veil of tears, it's a wonder words were even formed.

  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni SF Supporter

  3. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I have so much respect for all the single mothers out there. that's the hardest work on the planet.
  4. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    What you have said makes sense to me. A single mother working hard to support her kids and herself. Trying hard to find ways to up the academic qualifications so as to get a better paying job. Thinking hard on how to help her kids, especially her son.

    There are mothers who would have given up within a shorter period in your situation, but you stayed the path. Because you love your children so so much.

    I do not know if you have already approached any government organisations or relevant support groups who can help plead for your case. Please try if you haven't and share your experiences with us. Someone here may able to tell you where or how to get proper help for problems which require immediate attention.

    Keep posting.
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