I've had many failures recently. I've tried a lot, but still failed. I'm an international student in US. But it seems that I just can't fit the culture, then I got misunderstood, worked against, or even worse... Anyway, whenever there is something wrong, it always seems to be my fault... They are together dumping on me, whereas I'm just alone... There were so many things happened... I don't even want to mention them any more. BTW, I called suicide crisis line once, hilariously, I even ran into argument with the counselor... It was such a stupid move to call the hotline. Actually, my reason to kill myself is not specifically the recent failures, but the conclusion that I got from them... which is, basically, "I" am the problem. There is no other problem needing to be solve any more. "I" myself, is, the problem. So the best way to solve my problem, probably to solve some other people's problems too, is just getting rid of this "me". I feel so much shame and self-hatred, that I just cannot bear it any more. I cannot bear staying with this thing called "me" any more... this problem... I'm thinking about hanging. It's traditional in my culture, and is a really good way. I'm figuring out a place to do it now... I want people know me as "missing" instead of "dead", for some reason, it makes me feel better. So to figure out a good place to do so will probably take some time, then... You know, I'm kind of looking forward to it.