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dont' know how to deal with myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shelley7, Mar 10, 2012.

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  1. shelley7

    shelley7 New Member

    I've had many failures recently. I've tried a lot, but still failed. I'm an international student in US. But it seems that I just can't fit the culture, then I got misunderstood, worked against, or even worse... Anyway, whenever there is something wrong, it always seems to be my fault... They are together dumping on me, whereas I'm just alone... There were so many things happened... I don't even want to mention them any more. BTW, I called suicide crisis line once, hilariously, I even ran into argument with the counselor... It was such a stupid move to call the hotline.

    Actually, my reason to kill myself is not specifically the recent failures, but the conclusion that I got from them... which is, basically, "I" am the problem. There is no other problem needing to be solve any more. "I" myself, is, the problem. So the best way to solve my problem, probably to solve some other people's problems too, is just getting rid of this "me". I feel so much shame and self-hatred, that I just cannot bear it any more. I cannot bear staying with this thing called "me" any more... this problem...

    I'm thinking about hanging. It's traditional in my culture, and is a really good way. I'm figuring out a place to do it now... I want people know me as "missing" instead of "dead", for some reason, it makes me feel better. So to figure out a good place to do so will probably take some time, then... You know, I'm kind of looking forward to it.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun sorry you are not doing so well. self hatred lot here suffer from that one. Crisis line is like everywhere else hun sometimes you just don't connect with the person on the other end and sometimes the person is so understanding and gets it. I hope hun if you can go directly to hospital okay the self hatred can be fixed you can get therapy to help you get on a different path one of self compassion and care Keepposting okay keep reaching out here like you are doing that is a good step in getting some support you deserve and need hun h ugs
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    hi shelly.. a warm welcome to you.. there are an awful lot of people with similar feelings and thoughts here .. i have talked to good people on local criis lines many times in my 65 yrs.. they saved my life not so long ago.. just maybe if you call again you might also get one of the good ones yourself.. does the school you are at have any counselfing servies ???? you seem to be really set in the idea of killing yourself soon.. shelly i have been there myself not so long ago.. there are good people in thsi world who really would like to help you and see things get better for you.. therapy with a professional is something which can change one's world very much for the better..

    please try again adn reach out for some professional help for yourself.. the members on here are mostly good people.. look around the forums adn maybe try out the chatroom.. we are always around... take care shelly, Jim
  4. shelley7

    shelley7 New Member

    I kind of feel I should reply?... It's a very interesting feeling...
    I'm still okay. Actually, I'm gonna be okay for quite a while. I know some people are impulsive in killing themselves. I'm not.
    After I set an intention, I plan through the whole thing diligently. No rush, but truly make it work perfectly. It's kind of my style.
    I'm searching for a place to do it, and probably will need to systemically disconnect from a bunch of people who know me.
    Anyway... really thank you for your responses. I won't use the school support. In the past, there was once that people considered I was suicidal (but I was really not at that time), and I went through a whole bunch of shit! I don't have much trust to mental health system any more. But I do feel posting here is a good move for me, it's much better than calling a hotline. That's good...
    I hope in my preparation process, something will ultimately change my mind. And if not, it's still gonna be a good end. I'm pretty sure about it. At least, that's what I start to feel...
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