don't know how to fix my life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ilsa, Dec 31, 2009.

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  1. ilsa

    ilsa Member

    Warning, this is long. Sorry.
    I just turned 26, and I feel like I've wasted my youth hiding away. I've been suicidal for almost 10 years, and now that the year/decade is coming to an end, I can't stop thinking back to how many opportunities I've let pass me by during this time, how little I've done with my life because of my all-consuming depression and social phobia... I've spent nearly every night the past couple of months crying for hours in the middle of the night, lamenting my deplorable life choices. I can't seem to stop feeling regret and just accept my mistakes and move forward with my life.

    I should have spent my youth meeting people, going out with friends, having fun, getting a career started. Instead, I isolated myself, didn't make friends in school, hardly ever went out, was too anxious to seriously look for work. My life revolved around avoiding social interaction, basically. I managed to graduate college this year with a good GPA, ended up getting fired from a minimum wage job recently (mostly due to my social anxiety), and now I basically live like a bum. I don't just feel worthless, I actually AM human garbage with every reason to kill herself. I'm unemployable and painfully lonely, and I don't see an end to this.

    At the beginning of this year, I'd decided take baby steps to try and gain some confidence. After neglecting my appearance for many years, I started wearing nice clothes and fixed up my hair and makeup, and suddenly I was no longer invisible and ignored at school; I realized I wasn't ugly. But still, my lack of life experiences and social skills made me unable to relate to anyone my age, so I ran away from every potential friend... Then, I started volunteering regularly at a couple of places to try to build social skills. The people I worked with were perfectly nice, but I found myself avoiding interaction with them as well, and it became apparent that they started to think I'm weird because I'm quiet... I can often go out places now during the day-- movies, cafes, shopping, museums, that sort of thing--which I was totally uncomfortable doing before. But I'm still too terrified to go out to try to meet people, especially at night.

    So yeah, I'm a socially anxious failure, nobody likes me, and my future is a dead end. I feel stuck. I don't know how much more of this I can take. :sad: I typically retreat into a fantasy world to deal with the pain. But I've wasted enough time doing that! I want to finally get my life started, but I don't know how.
  2. Colourful

    Colourful Well-Known Member

    You've already started to fix your life; you can now do so many things that you hadn't been able to do before and that's a massive achievement - you need to see that. It takes time obviously, and not everything is going to get better at once. Kepp doing what you're doing, it sounds to me like you've already come a long way!
    I'm still struggling and haven't even begun to make changes in my life so I'm still in that isolated stage.
    You seem to have a generally positive attitude to change which is great and that's the first step :)
    It seems like now your problem is dealing with people, interacting socially and such. Are you seeing any kind of proffessional? I think something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy could help you with the social anxiety, help you to be less afraid to approach people.

    You are not a failure. You've come such a long way from what you used to be, you just need to keep working on it. You're not the only one going through this, there are lots of people who are socially anxious -myself included, and it takes a lot of time and effort to get better at it. It's just about pushing yourself I think, instead of hiding away.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Lisa; welcome and so glad you found interactions can be learned...find one person to say 'hi' to and build from there...practice the interaction of the phone...also, there are many successful treatments which can be of luck and glad you are here...Happy New Yr...J
  4. asking_advice

    asking_advice Well-Known Member

    i know what you feel because im became 21 that i dont enjoy my elementary and highschool life. i stopped this semester because i cant handle school works pressure. about social interaction, try to read books, observe other people how to communicate, and accept that you are lack of experience in life. have a lot patience to yourself. dont afraid to make mistakes and dont underestimate yourself.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You cannot change your past but you certainly can change your future. Don't dwell on time lost think about the new possibilities ahead of you. Take a course that really interest you try a new language an art course acting course anything that will bring you in amongst people that will have the same interest as you. You are still very young and i hope you continue to strive to change with help of a therapist it is even more possible. take care
  6. friendless

    friendless Well-Known Member

    This sounds life a page out of my life. I've managed to make a few friends in the past but since I'm in college, they've all graduated and moved away and one side or the other made the choice to burn the bridge. I found it too hard to make new friends. Most people are nice but they keep me at arms length, like when they throw parties I'm never invited. At this point I've decided no matter what I do, I won't make any real friends so I don't care if they think I'm weird. You might have better luck though, so I recommend that you keep doing what you're doing and keep trying but don't stress yourself out too much because in the end the people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.:biggrin:
  7. Franky

    Franky New Member

    You sound VERY similar to me.

    I also have social phobia and have missed out on a lot of opportunities. Everyday muddled thoughts go through my head. It sounds like you have made some good progress this year, which you should be proud of! I also think that you have a lot going for you and it's just a matter of persistence for you to do well.

    If you want to talk more about it, you could send me a private message :)
  8. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    Well it seems as though yet another person surprises me by having almost exactly the same situation i do. Granted im a little younger, a guy, and probably half way accross the country if not the world, but yet we have some similarities. Ive done some things similar to you like the appearance thiing, but after a while it all just goes back down hill how do you keep yourself motivated that i think is my biggest problem.

    Anyway enough about me this post is about you and as others before me have stated you have done so much and come very far keep up the baby steps. And dont give up on yourself, i know this is a lot easier to say than do but keep motivated and if ppl dont like you the way you is then they can eat it cuz u r u.
  9. ilsa

    ilsa Member

    Thanks everyone for your replies :hugtackles:

    I have moments when I feel good about the miniscule improvements I've made, but I immediately feel guilty... I mean, why should I be proud that I can go out alone comfortably now, when other people don't even think twice about that sort of thing to begin with. I don't feel proud at all about graduating from college at 25, because people my age have been at their careers post-college for years already, while I still only have the work experience of a high school kid.

    I'm suicidal because I can't stop comparing myself to other people. I feel too far behind to ever catch up. I can't afford therapy right now. I started to do cognitive-behavioral therapy when I was a student (those services were free at my school), but I stopped going after a few sessions because I was actually too ashamed of my life to even talk about it with a therapist... I guess I'm going to check out self-help stuff about positive thinking. I hope I can find a book that's not completely lame.
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