Dont know if I can make it one more day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Flo77, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. Flo77

    Flo77 Member

    I'm getting sicker, the pain is worse every day, it's stolen my joy, my relationships and now, Im feeling anger and resentment from my SO. Medical care here is so messed up. I don't feel sorry for myself, just confused, and in many ways, hurt. Hurt by everyone that has not just turned their backs on me, but family members who dont really know me but for some reason I don't understand, want everyone to hate me or at the very least, think I am a horrible person. Even my oldest friend (of 30 yrs) has blocked me from her life. I know my adult children 'love' me, but they don't like me much. Now, I'm even starting to feel like my SO doesnt like me much either. He blames all of our relationship problems on me, the fact we argue over complete BS, we don't go out or have a life. Something has changed with him recently. I suspect an emotional affair. He's cheated on me in the past. Multiple times. I'm thinking about ending a 6 year relationship with him before he hates me too. He's all I have left. I don't really know what to do. I'm so tired of being sick. I try to tell myself, tomorrow will be better, but each day, I wake up feeling worse than the day before. I can't check into the hospital. I have insurance but no way can I afford 20% of a hospital bill. If I could imagine how someone would feel if they were dying, I can't imagine it would be worse than this. I'm finding suicide more of and option now than ever before. And truthfully, it scares me that I would even consider it.
  2. Anonymous <3

    Anonymous <3 Active Member

    Your pain has stolen your joy and relationship because you've allowed it to. Think positively. You've got a SO, children and a friend for 30 years!
    Please don't think everyone hates you. You'd be surprised. My parents have emotionally abused me my whole life, and yet, I can't bring myself to hate them.
    Everyone argues over complete BS. You may feel worse every day you wake up, but that's the pain talking. You're better than that. Your life seems at a low right now. I believe you can pick yourself back up. You are a wonderful person, don't forget that. I normally don't recommend this but have you considered some kind of therapy? I don;t know where you live, but there are plenty of ones which offer free sessions.
    Also, let me tell you this.
    Feeling like you're dying is horrible. I've encountered several near death occurrences and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. People say that having a panic attack feels like they're dying, believe me, they are the least of 'dying' I've encountered.
    You've got a life. A beautiful one that I would wish for. You're worth way more than this pain you're going through.
    I hope you feel better soon.
    Please keep posting :)
    P.s: Couple's counselling? Or just ask him if he's cheating. I'm 15, not much experience in that area.;)
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are feeling so alone and low. What is wrong physically that needs a hospital stay as opposed to a dr visit? It is not like they will just let you go check into a hospital regardless- mental or physical without a Dr or psychiatrist saying there is need so are you seeing either or both of those and what are they doing for treatment? You have the right to get treatment. If the issue is the copays then look at your policy and adjust iot paying a little more each month in premiums for much lower deductible/copay. There are a lot of choices in the insurance market- change yours. They cannot exclude preexisting conditions anymore so is no issue with changing insurance. So far as your SO, if he has cheated on you many time in the past and suspect he is now then sounds like he is part of the problem and not the solution. Sometimes being with somebody that doesn't care is far lonelier than being alone in my opinion. You deserve to have a good day - give yourself a break and try to find a way to de stress and distract a little. I hope you find some way to solve a few of the issues and have a little better day/ ((hugs))
  4. Flo77

    Flo77 Member

    My insurance is connected to Medicare. I make too much to qualify for any assistance. When your policy is connect to Medicare, hospitalization is only coded as 'observation' even if you are in the ICU. That means I pay 20% of all costs. Healthcare in the south is horrible when trying to get a diagnosis. You start with your PP, who then (after insurance approval) sends you for lab tests. After the first set of labs comes back, then requests for approval are sent for specialists. The specialist's co payments are higher. Then after seeing the specialist, he/she requests approval for tests. And the process goes on. 20% co payment for any test more expensive than a blood test. And I've been going through this since November. Some tests and specialists have taken months to just set up. So as far as me whining about something I'm not trying to change, believe me, I've spent countless hours on the phone trying to speed things up.
    As for my SO, sigh, I don't have a whole lot of energy left. I'm just going to confront that issue head on.
    Anyway, I apologize if I came across as a whiner looking for pity. Not my intention. I literally have no one to even vent to. Having reached the point that I'm even considering suicide as an option scares me. So I guess I thought I could 'reach out' here. Again, didn't mean to whine, wasn't looking for pity.