I'm getting sicker, the pain is worse every day, it's stolen my joy, my relationships and now, Im feeling anger and resentment from my SO. Medical care here is so messed up. I don't feel sorry for myself, just confused, and in many ways, hurt. Hurt by everyone that has not just turned their backs on me, but family members who dont really know me but for some reason I don't understand, want everyone to hate me or at the very least, think I am a horrible person. Even my oldest friend (of 30 yrs) has blocked me from her life. I know my adult children 'love' me, but they don't like me much. Now, I'm even starting to feel like my SO doesnt like me much either. He blames all of our relationship problems on me, the fact we argue over complete BS, we don't go out or have a life. Something has changed with him recently. I suspect an emotional affair. He's cheated on me in the past. Multiple times. I'm thinking about ending a 6 year relationship with him before he hates me too. He's all I have left. I don't really know what to do. I'm so tired of being sick. I try to tell myself, tomorrow will be better, but each day, I wake up feeling worse than the day before. I can't check into the hospital. I have insurance but no way can I afford 20% of a hospital bill. If I could imagine how someone would feel if they were dying, I can't imagine it would be worse than this. I'm finding suicide more of and option now than ever before. And truthfully, it scares me that I would even consider it.