I'm more depressed than I've been in years. I'm kicked out of my own apartment for the next week (and the last five) cuz it had bedbugs since I moved in, but still paying rent so I've been forced to stay at my mom's cuz I can't afford another place. Mom used to be abusive, was fine for the last 4-5 years while I haven't been living with her, but we had an episode last week. I hate myself for not being able to stop her, or not being able to just take the verbal so it wouldn't have escalated. The pest control company was supposed to treat my belongings, and hasn't, and probably won't, so as soon as I unpack everything again (it all had to be boxed before they'd treat) I will have bugs again, and I SAW some in the boxes. There's a 30 day garuntee, but I just don't believe they'll send out another inspector if I ask. As long as they're there, I'll be stuck at mom's. I'm concerned I'll have to throw away everything I own to make sure I don't take the bugs with me, since it isn't being treated. Which is fine, I'd do that in a heartbeat if I had the means to get it to the dump and it would actually solve the problem. Mom knows I'm depressed and keeps telling me I need meds. I was doing alright until last week's episode. Now I'm not, and obviously it must be because I'm crazy and not because, oh, iunno, she cornered me, smacked me, and dragged me off and I couldn't stop her. And now I've just got to pretend everything is fine. No possible way it could be reasonable to be depressed over THAT... I feel like such a waste of life. I don't want to tell anyone whats going on because I don't want to be a burden, and because between the bugs and the abuse... I feel tainted... Like I'll never be good enough. I can't go stay with friends cuz I might end up taking the bugs with me... My bf's on vacation and relatively unreachable, and am afraid to tell him much of anything regardless. I feel like my soul's been cut out, and I just want this all the end. I want to go home, but don't believe I'm going to be able to. I'd rather be dead than in the situation I'm in right now, but I don't have the guts to actually do anything.