Don't know if this counts

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by darkgirlforever, Jun 13, 2012.

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  1. darkgirlforever

    darkgirlforever Active Member

    Ok so i was just wondering if i lived in a household that would be considered abusive as a kid and if my reactions were normal. I guess i will start from the beginning. My parents were divorced when i was five and when i was about 13 or 14 my mother met her first serious boyfriend who i will call Rick. After my mother and Rick had been dating for about a year my mother decided to move all of us into Ricks house. This meant that we had to change towns and everything. At first i was not bothered by this because i was being bullied at the school i was at and just wanted to get away.
    After we moved to Ricks house and started to live with him many problems started to arise. Rick was a perfectionist and expected everything to be perfect when he got home from work. My sister and i were not used to this type of attitude and so did not take too well to his attempts to tell us what to do and to discipline us. Naturally this created many fights between Rick and my mother. After Ricks dad died he began to drink and his and my mothers fights became physical. They would throw things at each other and would scratch and punch each other. The cops were called out to our house numerous times. I was often pulled out of bed in the middle of the night to take sides in their fights. This went on for many years with the violence increasing. To me it always seemed that Rick had a problem with something that my sister or i did despite the fact that i believe i tried my best to please him. Eventually my mother got tired of defending my sister and i and started blaming us for her and Ricks arguments. One of my most vivid memories of my mother as a child is standing up against the washer in tears as she screamed at the top of her lungs at my sister and i. She accused my sister and i of not wanting her to be happy and of being bad children who wanted to ruin her love life. To me this hurt the most because i didn't want to ruin her love life i just wanted the fighting to stop.
    The constant fighting wore me down and i eventually began to hate myself because i believed and still do believe that i am to blame for their problems like my mother told me. I started self injuring and became severely depressed. My question is would this be considered an abusive household and should i blame myself. I believe in the beginning i did try to please both my mother and rick but i felt i couldn't meet their standards so i just quit trying after years of no success. i feel like i never purposely caused them problems but some things i just grew tired of having to deal with. Like being locked out by him because i forgot to close the door. It really was my fault that i forgot to close the door and then i would tell my mother that i accidentally forgot to close the door on my way out and that rick locked me out and then they would get into a huge argument. Sorry it's so long but i had to explain because i need to know one if my mother was right to blame me and two if this is considered a genuinely abusive household.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    ONe your mother should be protecting her children she has no right to blame her relationship problems on a child
    two yes you were in an abusive household emotionally very abusive and i hope both you and your sister get some therapy to help you heal
    A child is never to blame hun never
  3. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    It sounds like this guy was making your lives miserable and your mom took it out on you instead of her husband, maybe because she didn't want to face another failed marriage or perhaps because she had a victim mentality or was caught in the psychology of abuse/conflict.

    I don't think that anyone ever has a perfect upbringing but I don't think that blaming anyone for it is ever productive or even helpful and the important thing is to stop blaming yourself and try to find a way to accept yourself and even love yourself. I don't know how old you are but if it's possible for you to leave it in the past then that's what I would do… you can't change the past but you can take control of your present and sometimes knowing why you do things to hurt yourself is good-- but I don't think that dwelling on these things ever makes them better, in fact I think it makes them worse-- I know that when I think about some things I fly into uncontrollable rages and feel like breaking things, or sometimes I just get really sick and depressed and just keep repeating them over and over trying to understand them but nothing ever comes of it and it's really just not good for anyone-- but whenever I focus on where I am right now and sort of clear my head of all of that stuff I feel so much better.

    So yeah, my advice is to try to put it behind you and try not to fall into a victim mentality so that you can be strong right now and become the kind of person that can respect and love herself for who she is.
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