don't know if this is crisis or not

My ex-wife has recently started playing "visitation" games with respect to my son. During her time with him, she will offer to let me see him. Then she will jerk him away.
I guess what concerns me is that I am not getting upset, I'm not crying or depressed. I just feel numb. Sometimes it's like all I can do is keep working. It's like I am too afraid to even acknowledge the pain anymore. I just don't feel anything. (Very) occasionally I do feel on top of the world (like when my son is with me), but mostly I'm just "there". I don't have any clue (except maybe for God) why I even keep going. It seems so pointless, and yet somehow I do.
Why?

 

It seems your hiding your emotions away from yourself like you said.
Was the divorce a hard thing to do? I can only think of something like that as trapping your finger in a door. It hurts real bad for the first couple of seconds and then it shuts down and becomes numb of feeling. Maybe you have shut down mentally to save yourself from the pain. However in order for that finger to get better it will eventually have to throb. But the pain will stop in time.
You need to find out professionally what is wrong with you. I suggest going on the net and finding a self depression quiz test that is meant to show you what is medically wrong with you. Then print it out and take it to your GP or a counsellor and get advice from them and talk about what is on your mind.
Or talk more on here with people about things and see if you can crack into
that numbness and let yourself out.
As soon as you find out what and why you are suffering, you have the means to make a recovery.

You must love you son if you feel so happy when your with him in the ocean of numbness you feel all the other times. It's worth trying to get a bigger chunk of that happiness for you and him.

 

I'm trying to get more time with him. My lawyer right now has me in the "cataloguing" phase of observing her behavior. The hard thing is when she starts acting "nice" again, only to ambush me later with "meanness". I learned to ignore it when it involved just me and her, but now she lures me in with the promise of seeing my son, only to yank him away again. So in a way, she is doing the same thing to me via our son that she did via the relationship, before. :sad:

 

gwalchmei,

It seems like you need to talk to your ex-wife, confront her straight out about it. Do it in a fashion, you odn't raise your voice. Not a hand. Be calm, be civilized and if it doesn't work, try and talk to your lawyer to get joint custody of the boy. I'm truely sorry you have to bear that pain,. no one should. I saw my dad when that happened, I didn't like it at all.. I hope things work out the best for you.

As for your emotions, being recessed.. it's a separation issue. As far as I can tell, separation from your son as spiraled you into a state of being "there" as you had put it in the first post. If you have a pet, or can get one I suggest you do.. pets are theraputic, and they are sensitive to emotions even if you don't feel them, they'll know them.

 

Well that is a bitch like thing for someone to do. Maybe you have just become used to it? I do not know, I do not have, nor do I want, kids.

I do not believe that you do not feel the pain. It is just hard to express pain out in the open. I do not know what your court agreements are. But I think this is a kind of harassment and you should take it up with someone.

As for why you keep going? I think you keep going for your kid. People use the love for their children to justify murder so maybe subconsciously you justify staying alive because of your child.

 

One of the things I've been doing lately is not showing my emotions to her. I've just simply been blank and unreadable to her. Not happy, not sad, not even cold when I talk to her. Just blank. I think she figured she wasn't getting to me. I am getting to see my son alot more, now. Especially when she needs "babysitting" while she runs off to the gym, etc.
Things are going well at work. I got congratulated on the job I'm doing at work. Sometimes I actually feel so great, it's like I'm superman. Other times, I'm just empty inside. But at least I'm not bawling like I was a few months ago.
I just wish I could have a whole family, again. I keep getting these "nesting" urges.:huh:

 

Well sometimes you do not have to show that you are being hurt for another to tell you are being hurt. But that is good at least she does not mind having you around him.

I know those days as well where I could rule the world and then the ones where the world rules me. As for nesting urges. You could always start another family.

 

I try to start over. I have even tried dating. I feel like I am betraying her when I date other people. It's not fair. People keep telling me I have "everything". But I don't have the three of us anymore. I wish I could just roll over and die. She is the most foul, bitter, angry, and hateful person to me every time I'm around her. But I just want our family to be back together. It hurts to see my son so sad about her breaking up the marriage. Sometimes he just goes back in the back by himself, and then later comes into my room crying about the divorce. Other times we will be out having a good time, and suddenly he will get really sad or really angry about the divorce. I'm tired of living like this. I would give everything up - the career, the education, everything - if the three of us could be together again. I think maybe my son would be better off with this new guy she's with now as a dad, and with me dead. But I'm too much of a frakking coward to do myself in. God, I suck!!!

 

Firstly, breaks up are always foul; all parties have all this anger, sadness and confusion to deal with.

With regards to your son, sweetheart he needs you more now than he ever has!!!! You need to convince him that the break up is nothing to do with him.
Kids always think that somehow it's their fault. You have to do this or he will have problems later in life!!! I spent 2 weeks talking to my son (he was 6 at the time) until I was positive he realised the break up was nothing to do with him.

Secondly, you need to convince him that you are still his dad and always will be.
Once my son realised that tho we had broken up his dad was still around and wasnt going anywhere he was much happier.

You need to try (difficult I know) to talk to your wife about this. She needs to put her son first and that means you two at least having the appearance of friends. If he sees you both being at least civil he wont worry so much and neither of you must run the other parent down in front of him.

Break ups are awful but they don't have to destroy the kids if the adults handle it properly.