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Don't know if this is the right place for this, but...

Discussion in 'Appearance and Body Image' started by theedda, Feb 23, 2018.

  1. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    This issue isn't really related to attractiveness as such, at least not directly. I have my days where my face just seems to be melting in the mirror and I feel awful, but mostly, I've made good progress on feeling alright in that department over the past few years. I've come to terms that I'm no Brad Pitt, but I look okay.

    The problem I have is that I feel people are uncomfortable around me because of the way I look. I'm a big guy, I often wear dark clothes (just about the only thing I feel comfortable in), bags under my eyes due to lack of sleep, resting serial killer face (yeah, before you say it, even when I try to smile, I just end up looking like a maniac). I often get mean looks on the street, that or people avoid looking at me a lot.
    I remember last year, I had an incident where I was walking home from classes, heard someone ring the bell on their bicycle behind me, looked over my shoulder and made accidental eye contact with this girl. Just for a split second, didn't check her out or make a face or anything. And she literally RAN off. And this was like 5 PM at the latest, during a busy time when a ton of other students were walking home. Continued home, sat down at the table with my flatmates, told them the story, half laughing it off, and they're reaction was basically "Well yeah, you're a scary guy mate". I've also had cases of teenagers and other students walking past me, and hearing them whisper things like "that guy is weird". My upstairs neighbors seem terrified of me, for whatever reason, even though I've never had a conversation with them, and they always seem very nervous saying hello to me. I've even had a few friends outright confess that they were intimidated by me at first, until they got to know me.

    As someone who has social anxiety and already struggles with social interaction, I've felt it add an extra layer of difficulty. I have to be extra to not come off as creepy or hostile in any way, and it really doesn't help having that in the back of my head. I basically don't even bother talking to women unless I know them, the rare cases where they talk to me first, or if it's a very non-threatening context where there's little reason for them to believe I might be hitting on them or something. I know the fact that I'm scared of it probably doesn't do me any favours, and is making it worse since I can't relax, but it's hard to ignore.

    I don't really know what the point of typing that out was, but... it's a weird thing I've been dealing with and I'm not sure what to do, or if anyone can relate.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are dealing with so many negative reactions from people.

    It's not fair, you seem very nice. I guess if people could see the real you they would be much nicer to you.

    That's her overreacting, not something that you did.

    Maybe something to soften your image, like wearing glasses or carrying a book or flowers with you might help.

    Are you getting treatment?
  3. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I'm currently not getting treatment. It took me a long time to find a therapist in my city last summer, and when I did, it was someone who was quite difficult for me to talk to, so I quit going. I don't really have the energy to go through that again, as I also need to find a job and deal with some other drama.

    I get what you mean with softening my image some. Unfortunately, it is a trade-off either way. I look awful with glasses, and wear contacts almost every time I leave the house. Ultimately, I'd rather scare people off then get laughed at or seen as ugly. I guess call it a defense mechanism from being bullied
  4. dtc

    dtc at least that's what I keep telling myself!

    I tend to have resting sad face, when I was young people would often say "don't worry, it might never happen" like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders when it was nothing of the sort. I know what you mean about the smile looking manic, and I don't really know how to explain this but when you have a smile to yourself , not a teeth showing grin but but a happy though smile, I can feel my face change slightly and it does soften how my expression looks, takes the hard edge off it, so maybe try that when people are around. Take care
    Cagla likes this.
  5. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    Hahaha, you know, I remember in high school, there were a few instances where I was actually feeling happy and people would tell me I look sad or tired. That really confused me at the time.

    Something that does help somewhat is when I think of something funny or good that happened, so the smile I get is genuine to an extent. It is hard to keep up though.
  6. dtc

    dtc at least that's what I keep telling myself!

    Yeah you slip back into your normal state pretty quickly but it's that whole first impressions thing, and when you get dragged into a group photo, just a little something can sometimes make a big difference.
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You're welcome! :)

    There's some information about treatment methods in my signature links
  8. Aprilflowers7

    Aprilflowers7 Well-Known Member

    Why does it have to be about looks all the time? I don't really understand that. Sometimes I am frightened of walking down the street or even being in a store because I am worried people will make comments.
  9. Sevven

    Sevven Well-Known Member

    Go to the gym, get ripped and hang out with other scary dudes. Lol. Hell, just come to the states. There are girls who like guys Because they're scary. Sounds like you're in a place full of squares. Are you in the UK?
    P. S. I dig your avatar
  10. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    Thanks, that's a pretty cool crab too lol.

    Getting a visa to the US is a pain, especially staying there for a few months/years, otherwise I'd love to go there. Was planning on it for a while, but it fell through. But yeah, even no joke, I probably should hit the gym. Never gonna be the sweet, lean guy, so might as well go all the way.
  11. Sevven

    Sevven Well-Known Member

    Where in the US do you wanna visit?
  12. Shorty92

    Shorty92 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear this is affecting you. My mum has a ‘resting bitch face’ I tell her this. I think she is happy with this though as people don’t stop her in the street lol.
    I don’t really have any advice as a 4ft 10 smily women I haven’t been in your situation. But I’m here if you ever want to chat.
  13. john42076

    john42076 Active Member

    I can relate. I made a post on April 20th called 'Everyone is afraid of me' describing the exact same situation, although you described it better than I did. The funny thing is, this has now become my chief source of social anxiety. It also has a tendency to escalate because the more I encounter evidence that people are afraid of me, the more self-conscious and unwelcome I feel when I go out amongst people.

    Unfortunately I can't say anything constructive but I know exactly how you feel.
  14. theedda

    theedda Well-Known Member

    I gave your thread a read, and I do relate to everything you say. I have been thinking of some things since, and I don't know. Maybe just embrace it. Make it a part of you, so even though you're still "scary", at least you're confident, and that does put people at ease somewhat. A lot of guys would kill to be tall and big, and ultimately, it's not a bad thing, so long as people DO get to know you. But it makes it harder for that to happen.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.