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dont know. want to die, but dont

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Matt12345, Feb 25, 2014.

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  1. Matt12345

    Matt12345 New Member

    Hello everyone, my name is Matt, Im 23, and i live in the UK...

    i couldnt access new members bit hence the instant post here sorry if that breaches rules etc..

    Firstly, i actually cant believe im on here, never when i was a young lad did i think id see myself at nearly 24 yrs old, joining up to a forum about suicide :( .....How did i get here? How have i lost everything+evryone i valued ?

    basically, since about 2007/8, i wake up every morning with a bad attitude towards life, i think how to make it better and nothing.. i cant do anything, i cant go out, i cant go out with mates, i cant get a job, cant go for a drive in my car, literally cant do anything. theres so much more to it than that, but would take me hours to write it all out...

    Everyone tells me to 'get a job' like it can be done overnight. Well iv been trying to get a job for nearly 4 years now with no luck...

    Friends, or so-called friends, dont understand anything because mummy n daddy sort m out n they got credit cards to fallback on and dont have baliffs/debt collectors ringing them everyday,

    was bullied for a couple of years at school and when i left, started smoking weed... suppose that didnt help tbh. And now all i want to do, is take a knife and stick it in every person who has abused or mistreated me because i feel thats what they deserve, They made my life HELL.. i think they would get off lightly being stabbed. i HATE bullies!

    my family are less than useless. and all see me as some ultimate scum of the earth, yes i used to be a little shit back in the day, but i changed because i hated feeling low and seeing everyone turn their noses up at me......i havnt come from a skanky background on a council estate, i was brought up properly... i dont know where i went wrong

    But since my grandad died in 2005, iv felt more alone than ever, i cant talk to anybody, the therapists i saw were all useless, everyone i make an attempt to go and see turned out crap, and im stuck back at square one, feeling worse than i did before, and constantly thinking about leaving my house to walk 5mins down the road to nearest train track...

    I want to die. right now, as im typing this.... but , i dont.. because i want to experience a real life in the future and by killling myself, that wont happen, even if it does turn out to be a complete waste of time ... Nobody who has a good life or loads of friends understands, they just see it as 'attention' but i can safely say, i couldnt care less about attention. i need help.

    never had anyone around me that i can talk to, always feeling lower than low, and NOBODY talks to me, or offers any sympathy, not like thats my reason for it, but would be nice to have people show that im cared for ...not just a waste of space and organs.

    Family+ friends... What family n friends? i dont have any.

    Sorry if this isnt the right place to put this or if its even right for the forum, i have nobody to turn to, i feel so alone everyday every week every month every year. and have done since i was 15...... i wish i knew where to turn, but i just dont, i want to jump off a bridge in front of a train to just, end this. ''life''

    Life is not worth living if you dont have anyone in your life, if your alone, and have nobody to help you, you feel 10x worse...... and when your down so far, and nobody is there to help pick you up, you dont know what to do...

    im so confused right now, i genuinely dont know what to write or say, or how to write things. i want to end my life, but i know thats not the way to go.

    Guess i just need someone to tell me that everything will be fine, iv been surrounded by negativity all my life.. just want to feel loved. or at least cared about. if this so called life, carries on, ill just take it. as i cannot handle all of this for much longer. ben trying to find a way up the ladder for so long, the lights turned off and im falling back down that ladder. at a rapid pace. and i dont think i have the willpower to continue.

    Thanks for reading this, if anyone has, i appreciate taking the time to read it , and hope someone has an answer for me, or at least understands my position slightly.

  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Matt, thank you for finding SF and thank you for writing out some of your story. I have read all you have to say and I do understand, because I've shared these thoughts myself and can relate to where you are at. Some hopeful things I picked up from your post are that you are looking for a ladder as the way out, and that you do not really want to die, and that you want to feel loved or at least that someone cares about you. Because of these things, I absolutely know that you have the motivation within you to find your healing, otherwise you would not have written them - and that is the very best place to begin. I also understand you will be looking for at least one signpost to get you started on the road - I promise you there is one - please PM me if you'd like. Or we can carry this on publicly if you'd prefer. Blessings and hope, urP
  3. themute

    themute Active Member

    hey, yeah i've been trying to get a job for 3 years with 0 luck, no matter what the job is. do you have somewhere you can go and be around nature? i find that helps. also is there a support group for depression in your area you can go to? that's really helped me too.
  4. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Hi Matt, you will find compassion and support from those of us on SF. I wish things were better for you, I truly do. You may not want to hear this, but I have had trouble with finding the appropriate therapists as well and that continued searching may eventually lead to one that is helpful. At least in my case I have found one now that is better suited for me. This may be the case for you as well. Glad you have found SF. Continue reaching out here and you may find what you need.
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