Don't know what else to do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SongIsOver, Sep 30, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    I can't even begin to explain...

    I don't even know if this is the right place or forum...

    Every facet of my life has been kicked down and kicked around for so long, it's not even funny. (Not that it would be...)

    I keep trying and trying, but the whack-a-mole gets sick of getting whacked back down, stops popping up eventually.

    I'd started to list out everything, but I just deleted it. Nobody's gonna want to read it.

    Just trust me, the shocks, the traumas, the "whacks" - they've been really, really big, and one after another after another after another, and I'm psychologically malformed from the start, as I was an unwanted child and that was made clear to me by my family, and then grew up tormented by peers (& other authority figures) as well.

    So yeah, not wanted anywhere...

    I can't put on a fake face anymore, the one needed to survive in the world of work. And yet that world keeps pushing me away as well... It doesn't want me, I don't want it, and yet I need it, but it's literally making me crazy. I can't survive right now without it...

    I've had several immense shocks and crises in the past few years alone... Really bit, heartbreaking stuff... it'd be almost funny, if it weren't all so bad... Over and over, just when one thing is past - something else big comes out of left field - WHACK!!!!! This is after a lifetime of bad stuff... but the past few years, indescribable anguish.....

    And now...

    The only thing I really can muster any caring about anymore, is my "life project" - the thing that completes my soul, that is what I am. I keep trying to work on it, and I keep getting blockaded with obstacles. If I don't do this thing, my life will have been a waste. I will have been a waste.

    I finally thought I got over all the obstacles and had decidedly gained a tiny bit of momentum in working on this project...

    Then I got an injury. I didn't think it was a big deal, it'd heal...

    But there's a complication, and this week I was Dx'd with a really seriously scary condition (from the injury? or that maybe was there all along in a milder form that just got exacerbated at this place & time?) ... that could seriously prevent me from doing what I need to do on this - my life, my soul's work.

    And without that, I'm nothing. Seriously. Literally.

    Nearly every aspect of my life - whack, whack, whack.

    I can barely care about anything anymore....

    It's not even like depression. It's just knowing it doesn't really matter, and not having it in me to fake anymore.
    It's like in The Matrix, when everyone on the grid thinks they have these happy lives... only it's not real. None of it's real.

    I feel like I see the man behind the curtain. All of it's fake. And I can't care about it anymore.

    All I have left is my life's work, to make anything worthwhile, to make me - my life - worth anything. And even that - it's hard to muster caring about. It's a pathetic dream, I'm too old to have any success at it, I'm a fool....

    And now.... now I've got this........ condition??? This thing that is like the biggest WHACK. No! No! says the universe. You May Not Have Anything! You Don't Deserve Anything! You Are Worthless! You Must Be Stopped!


    It's my birthday, and I'm too old for anything now.......

    Oh I can be Plucky and Courageous! I'm going to OVERCOME this! Oh yes! YaY! I'll do it! I'll work AROUND it! Rah rah! Cheerful! Positive! Fake! Fake! Fake Happy! Fake Happy to Keep Your Job! Fake Pleasant to the People Around You!

    Be Courageous and Strong! Be STRONG! BE STRONG!!!!!!

    oh gawdddddddddddddddddd


    life is hard enough...
    to even just staying existent

    With no reason, I'll have no reason.

    there's nothing else...
    Without this, I have no hope
    This is what I've got left for my life
    It's what I am
    Please don't take away what I am
    there won't be anything left...
    there's barely anything now...
    barely any reason now...
    back down to the hole
    Don't come up, mole

    I can't deal with anything anymore
    not a thing
    all too much
    I'm just done
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not worthless no hun and your work does not define you hun your inner soul defines you I hope your doc can help you mend hun but there is always another path to take and you will find another one hun don't give up on YOU ok hugs
  3. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    You said that you started to list everything but deleted it because no-one would want to read it. I can't speak for anyone else, obviously, but I would like to read it - if that's ok.
  4. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the thoughts. It's not my "professional" work that defines me, but my "life's work" - this big project that is in my soul which I must complete, it's not that it defines me, but it is me. If I don't produce what is in my head in a form that is shareable to others, then I'll feel my life wasted because nobody will know. I'll have no legacy, will have done absolutely nothing except try to exist (poorly)...

    The list, it's hard for me to retype.... just a lot of crushing blows, losses, BIG bad thing after BIG bad thing, no good to balance (well, except the kind of "good" that's "It could have been worse" - but I don't really feel like that counts).

    Right now life feels very surreal.

    The doctor... I don't trust him (or most - for good reason). He wasn't really listening to me, I can tell he won't trust me to know my own body. This condition, if it is (and it kind-of appears to be)... when I read info about it, it starts making me feel hysterical, like I'm going to pass out - it's a bad thing. "Devastating" - and "Financially devastating" - and "Emotionally devastating" are words used to describe it in misc. articles. I have severe PTSD regarding financial issues so any spectre of that panics me to no end... let alone the LIFE effects. That's so frightening and so nightmarish to me...

    I just have to assume/hope he's WRONG and/or that this is a very mild case... because this just won't do... I've had enough challenges with trying to accomplish what I need to in life, in order to feel like a person. A real person... not just some facade in the work-world that marches in-step in strictly prescribed attitudes in order to keep surviving...

    I'm having trouble feeling like there's any point in anything. Money is such a huge issues for me, and has been for so many decades, that I am not okay with just struggling to get by and worrying anymore. The only way for me to NOT have this horrible panic is to have so much money that I have peace of mind that anything that happens won't be a devastating crisis... And I'm not gonna get there with a "job." And the workplace is very unkind to me, so survival in that is eating me alive, literally.........can't sleep, constant high levels of stress, fear, fighting to preserve my self-ness against the crud in the workplace... and I'm pretty sure I actually have PTSD from work situations because I've had so, so very many horrible ones, and you can't heal while you're in it.... I fear so much. I fear emails and I fear the way they're treating me and then I can't stand it and I engage and stand up for myself, then I can't bear to read the replies, and have panic panic fear panic stress stress... It's like fighting with logic against an insane nightmarish monster and being labeled "the wrong one" even though you know you're not...

    It seems like everything I've done, and everything I do, is wrong. Wrong choices, wrong paths, wrong responses, I can't trust myself to do anything right - and even when I do what's "right," it doesn't work, and I still get punished....

    So much stress - is there another word stronger than "stress"? - from everything over the past few years especially... I think I scored like off the charts on a stress "quiz" but there's not much to do about it, so I'm kind of helpless, too.

    I'm kind of a bizarre person I guess... I had a counselor for awhile and she thought I was a very unique individual. In a good way, but most people see it as bad. Threatening, or annoying, or... idk. So they try to stomp me down. And because my psyche wasn't formed properly, heh, I can't just "shrug it off" especially when it repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats countless times, every time, over and over... The only messages I get from the universe are "You don't deserve to be, you don't deserve anything."

    I feel hopeless. Like even flickers of energy and strength, get shot-down right when I feel like I'm onto something. Not just by comments, but by real, big stuff, like this new condition, or whatever.

    If every time you try to stand up, somebody pushes you down, eventually what's the point in getting up. Eventually, too many parts of you are broken and there can't be any healing when you're still being kicked. And I hate that society puts the blame on you for being too broken to stand up again.

    I'm not a pessimist - I'm more of a realist. But seriously....c'mon......
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 30, 2012
  5. Finance

    Finance Well-Known Member

    Well written and good content. I'd like to know more, too.

    The psych's opinions can be as devastating to me as the condition.

    Hope you post more often.

    Cowardice keeps me alive.
  6. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    What's the life project that you mention?
  7. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    :hug: please don't believe you're worthless because you're not, you make others happy just by being on this planet :hug: :hug: :hug: please don't give up, keep venting here :hug:
  8. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    Hah, what's funny (or not) is that I actually, really don't think there's anyone happy for my existence. Seriously....not just that I exist, or that I am who I am, but rather for what I do for them - and therein lies my value to others. I don't feel all warm & fuzzy from being needed..that doesn't do it for me. There are ppl who "depend" on me, but that keeps me from being able to do the things that I need to do, for me...

    T he project is of an artistic nature
  9. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    Sounds intriguing. Do you want to tell us more?
  10. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    Everything I do is wrong.


    That's not a perception issue... All my choices are wrong, everything I do is wrong


    today I read some emails I've been afraid to, about a "really big thing" - it was a REALLY BIG THING... I can't say what, but it's something I've always wanted to do.... and as it turns out, I DID.... at work that I actually DID it, mine was the winning contribution, but... there were rules, and they're treating it as if it didn't exist... even though it clearly DID, and they used MY idea..... yet I was not given any credit at all, and I would just like it to count positively in some way for me. I don't expect a big deal made, I don't expect a parade or a prize, I just want it to be a stroke in the "positives" column for me, that I did in fact inspire this. It was in my email. They read the emails. It was THERE.

    After the announcement was made I wrote to the committee and cc'd my boss, just so she'd know I contributed. But I figured the issue was between the committee and me. I was expecting the whitewash answer from the committee director, and did in fact receive that - But from my boss... I was not expecting her to BAWL ME OUT for communicating directly with the committee who had vetted the submissions in the first place. She got ANGRY. She said I should have gone to her FIRST.

    Let ALONE that it was a HUGE BLOW to me, to have contributed this big thing and get no, that's not important... all that's important is that SHE thought I should have gone to her.

    But WHY would I go to her, when she puts me down in about 75-85% of our interactions? When she clearly does NOT have my back? When she ridicules me to others? WHY would I go to her when I know she would just find a way to make me ridiculous for the whole situation???? But I'm wrong. I'm just wrong no matter what...

    (A new job is not the answer. All my jobs have been like this. Over decades. I'm just done with the whole thing, trying to "prove" to someone I'm worthwhile enough to hire, to think highly of... I can't play that game anymore, I can't.... I can't....... )

    my gut wants to turn itself inside-out and explode...

    my head has only pain
    I am roiling in it......

    blow after blow after blow....

    it's just one more negation after a lifetime of them...


    I don't deserve anything...
  11. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me as though your boss was upset because you went over her head - which is understandable if she gives you no support.

    You appear to be associating being right with approval. Your boss disapproves of your action therefore what you did was wrong. That only works if everyone is looking out for each other. When you're in the situation where they're looking out for themselves, that no longer follows. As I understand it, you contributed to some project and received no recognition for that. You had, at that point, two choices. Either ignore it or kick up a fuss. Neither action is wrong, per se. It's simply a choice.

    Does that make sense?
  12. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    no, it wasn't over her head. I can't go into detail to explain, but that's not what it was. It's like she figures I have no right or something, or SHE just wants to be the central clearinghouse for all things, I've even gotten in trouble by her for going to someone else when she TOLD me to do so...

    I understand it might look like something common about approval and all that but that's not it at all. And in workplaces I think it's true, in my longgggggggggggg and varied experience it's true that IF someone disapproves, then you are indeed wrong. That's how it works.

    And in our interactions, she ALWAYS disapproves, contradicts, criticizes, "corrects," almost-automatically makes 75-85% of what I say in our interactions to be "wrong." Even about the most petty things. This is how she puts me down to keep herself feeling superior.

    Look, this isn't a project. It was something REALLY BIG. Again, I cannot explain. It's something that's important, something regarding a landmark, something part of history, something I dearly wanted to have "won." It's not something that can be ignored. I work with this every day. I hear about it constantly. Everbody does. Millions of people know of this place. I had a part in it and they're trying to treat it as if I didn't. I have PROOF. What do they, expect me to just pretend like it wasn't my idea? Like they just COINCIDENTALLY used the EXACT SAME idea? Yeah, I want something positive out of it... a tick in my "good" checkbox, it matters for my career, but it also matters to me personally - for the rest of my life.

    All my choices are wrong. The reason I wasn't credited for it is because I made a wrong choice (based on what I thought was their rule...but I guess I was wrong). All my life choices have been wrong. Everything I do is wrong.

    No, this is too big to let go, so I'm going to reply again to my boss. Because the other director twisted it to look as if I was claiming something I wasn't - he painted me in a VERY inaccurate (and foolish/ridiculous) light! But I have ptsd about everything. About work. About emails. About money. About everything. I'll email her back (with the proof). She'll reply and I'll be too scared to open it. Whatever. And THAT choice - will be wrong. It will get me into more trouble (even though I'm "not wrong") because that's the way it works in workplaces. I get in trouble for standing up for myself. I get in trouble for NOT standing up for myself. I get in trouble for smiling. I get in trouble for not smiling enough. Heck I even got in trouble, called "pathetic" (on numerous occasions!) laughed at, ridiculed and forced to leave...for no reason other than looking short sitting at my desk with stacks of folders and typing while being dictated-to on the phone. I was successfully multi-tasking, but I guess I looked pathetic. These are just a few examples. I seriously cannot do anything right...

    And in my own life, same thing. Everything's all to crap, an entire life wasted because I made wrong choices, and I significantly messed up other people's lives by not making the right choices, and I really don't want to hear "oh it's never too late" because for some things, it can be. It can be. It really can be.

    I can labor under foolish, probably false, hopes that it's not too late - but that's the only hope I've got left, and with this new physical issue and the incredible stress of the last few horrifying years of traumas and sleeplessness and stress probably eating away at my cells.... I don't know if I'll ever finish what I need to, or break free of this kind of life that I seriously cannot take anymore.
  13. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. I misunderstood - my mistake. I didn't mean to offend or upset you. I'm sorry.
  14. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I know it's difficult for anyone to understand because this is outside "normal" experiences, and I can't fully explain.

    My counselor had said my life was "Kafka-esque." And this kind of thing just keeps happening over and over, constant negation, constant stomping-down, and I know it's because I made the wrong life choices and followed the wrong path and the Universe keeps telling me "you are in the wrong life! you are living the wrong life!" I know it... I'm trying to get out, but I'm not doing the right things, or I don't have time, or energy, or I'm not going the right way, or I'm not doing enough... and there are SO many things vying for my very-limited time/energy, they're ALL important, and I literally don't have the personal resources to do it ALL. I'm great at prioritizing and even I am totally lost, overwhelmed, it feels completely......messed up......impossible......... quicksand and there's no end to it
  15. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    It's not your fault, it's mine.

    It's probably a stupid thing for me to say but I wonder if you've considered embracing the 'wrongness'? Allowing yourself to BE wrong. Like I said, probably a stupid idea. Sorry.
  16. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    No, I don't think it's a stupid idea at all. Because obviously I'm doing everything wrong and it's coming out all wrong so I might as well just..... oh, I don't know....

    I often think about the Seinfeld episode, "The Opposite of George." He decides the way he's been going about things hasn't been working, so he vows to do the complete opposite of his normal. It works out great for HIM. But in real life things don't work that way, cuz real life isn't a sitcom...

    I'm not able to embrace the wrong probably because the consequences of the wrongnesses are very severe. Significant, sometimes devastating. So idk...

    idk how to be. And I can't just be "myself" because that has a very poor success rate, heh....

    and now the damage is so much done that I'm kind of stuck because I'm just done with everything... too gone, too long.
  17. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    Could you redefine 'success' so that it was more in tune with what ends up happening for you? (I'm meaning your personal definition - not those imposed upon you from outside, such as work).
  18. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    I do, though. I mean,i gave up on typical "career success" a long time ago, after it became clear I'd never be seen as someone worthy of being respected or taken seriously....and having been.squashed down so.long that I.just became "too old" to not be higher in my career by now.... But i'd respected, I'd still like more money, more authority, for the decades to.not all have been for nothing...

    But the way things are going right now, with someone clueless hired instead of me being promoted so I'm basically training HER to do what I've been doing for years and have been relegated t o functions much "lower"by this uber-micromanaging new manager who doesnt know what she's doing (literally!) .... It's craziness....

    .don't care about any job or work anymore, I can't care, but I need income & its, no way around that... And all day I spend my enery &, time just to.get through the day so.i.can survive, so.that in the tiny amount of time I.have to myself, and try to.gear up the mental & physical energy on my OWN stuff (but there's also O THER things that must get done, and I can only much..... Work.wears me out, nothing left, it just does they'd no way around it.....and even trying to find time/energy to do anything to get out of the takes away from what other things I need to. do for ME, for my own personal success....which could possibly get me out IF I can finish what I'm doing... Been.working on.for years, no way to cut corners, and I don't even necessarily have the technical properly and definitely not the money to.hire help....

    Conundrum, there's no answer....but I.can't take this....
  19. SongIsOver

    SongIsOver Well-Known Member

    *need income & its benefits

    (sorry, swype & forums don't mix)
  20. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    It's fairly common within the working world to find that your boss knows less about doing your job than you do. It also seems to be the case that your ability to do the job is inversely proportionate to your career prospects. Mad, I know, but most people are in the same position. At least if I understand what you're saying. I try to remember the old adage - work to live not live to work. I think it helps you remember that work isn't the entirety of your existence nor should it be. Can you put your focus on something other than your job? I'm not suggesting that you give up your job - as you say, you need the income, but once you've left for the day, leave it out of your thoughts.

    It also occurred to me that perhaps, if every time you try to do things right, it goes wrong - then perhaps you should try to do things wrong and they might come out right. Again, just a thought. I have no answers but I hope things improve for you.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.