I wrote a note a few nights ago. I cry several times throughout the day; at school, on the bus, walking around, at home before bed. What gets me crying is imagining how my family and a few loved ones would take it, as well as the larger community of people that know me. I'd wish for them to know I didn't do it to hurt them, that I'd hope they'd just forget me. I've been thinking a lot about disappearing or making it look like an accident so they wouldn't have to feel so badly, and so that no one would follow me. It's just that I don't want to live anymore. I don't see humans as people anymore. I feel empathy for them, I think. But I have almost no interest in getting to know anyone or continuing relationships I already have. It's lonely having no one. I think they would understand if they knew how much guilt I feel, if they knew I can't live with myself anymore. Over the last year I engaged in an illicit affair with the wife of my (former) best friend. I had been in love with her for a year before that...I thought. She had feelings for me too, loved me, I thought, but it's looking more like I was revenge for a relationship he had been in. Now it's looking like it was little more than lust and revenge. There were several times that one or both of them were going to kill themselves. Now they are back together, but their relationship is... crippled. I don't want to live on having lost both of them. We we all best friends once. This isn't something I can just move on from. Besides that, I generally lack the ability to stay connected with people. I feel like a stranger to everyone wondering through this life bumping into people for a while before I indifferently turn my back and move on. I don't know. Everything is painful. I don't want to hurt people but I can't live like this. Don't know what I'm looking for here.