Don't know what I'm looking for here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by blckbende, Dec 4, 2009.

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  1. blckbende

    blckbende New Member

    I wrote a note a few nights ago. I cry several times throughout the day; at school, on the bus, walking around, at home before bed.

    What gets me crying is imagining how my family and a few loved ones would take it, as well as the larger community of people that know me. I'd wish for them to know I didn't do it to hurt them, that I'd hope they'd just forget me. I've been thinking a lot about disappearing or making it look like an accident so they wouldn't have to feel so badly, and so that no one would follow me.

    It's just that I don't want to live anymore. I don't see humans as people anymore. I feel empathy for them, I think. But I have almost no interest in getting to know anyone or continuing relationships I already have. It's lonely having no one.

    I think they would understand if they knew how much guilt I feel, if they knew I can't live with myself anymore.

    Over the last year I engaged in an illicit affair with the wife of my (former) best friend. I had been in love with her for a year before that...I thought. She had feelings for me too, loved me, I thought, but it's looking more like I was revenge for a relationship he had been in. Now it's looking like it was little more than lust and revenge. There were several times that one or both of them were going to kill themselves. Now they are back together, but their relationship is... crippled. I don't want to live on having lost both of them. We we all best friends once. This isn't something I can just move on from.

    Besides that, I generally lack the ability to stay connected with people. I feel like a stranger to everyone wondering through this life bumping into people for a while before I indifferently turn my back and move on.

    I don't know. Everything is painful. I don't want to hurt people but I can't live like this. Don't know what I'm looking for here.
  2. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

    hi, and welcome to the forum :)
    To start from the end, I think I know what you are looking for here; a palce to tell your story, I mean, on a forum, with no faces from people you might meet again somewhere else, is much more easier to "talk", in my opinion. So I guess you needed to let that out, maybe find people tha can relate?
    Just my guess.

    I can understand your disappointement in love, maybe in people in general, but maybe when the worst hurt of being used is over you can connect to people again?
    I can relate a lot to what you say about connecting and moving on... there's only a couple of people I keep in touch with, in real life, and there's even only one person I visit regularly and talk to.
    Though, I think it's not that healthy... on one hand I feel well being alone, on the other hand I ask myself if I missed something, as we people are supposed to be social beings....

    I really don't know where I am going with this post.... I guess I just wanted you to know I hear you....
    I guess it sounds stereotype, but give things one more day, one more don't want to hurt your beloved ones, and to make it look like an accident....I don't know, i don't trust that too, because what if it comes out that it wasn't an accident? you won't be able to "repair" anything.
    I hope this makes any sense and it helps you a bit in some way.
    Take good care of yourself,
  3. lsl1079

    lsl1079 New Member

    Your story really hit me. I can identify with you. I have a lot of guilt, too. I would say that what I did is worse than you, but if I told you my story, you may feel that what you did is worse - I think people are harder on themselves than other people are. I know about not wanting to relate to people. I sometimes just want to smack people when they talk to me - not out of meanness or wanting to hurt them, just wanting them to go away. I feel like the world would be better for other people if I wasn't here to F*** it up. Um, I do find pleasure in small things, like my dog. I don't know what else to tell you, just that I read and I can relate.
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