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Don't know what to call it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by live, Nov 15, 2006.

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  1. live

    live Antiquitie's Friend

    Ok, here's my story.

    I got married two years ago to a wonderful woman who I had been with for five years at that time. Before we married, she made it clear that she never wanted children and that I would have to be sure that I didn't want children if I married her. I went through a long struggle with it, as I have always liked children, but in the end decided that I was ok with this choice. We got married, and I had a vasectomy.

    Fast forward to this year: I had gone through a dramatic life-changing period for a couple of months while studying bodywork therapy. Immediately after this, my best friend and I realized that we were in love with each other and had been "emotionally cheating," so we stopped seeing each other completely even though we were involved in every activity together. I told my wife. Then I had a dream which led me to the shocking realization that I still wanted children, and that falling in love with my friend was related to this desire. I told my wife this as well, in the interest of being honest. I also said that I didn't know if I would stay with her or not, because these new feelings are so intense right now.

    So now my life seems like a bad dream. I am torn between two women, and this newfound strong urge to have a child even though I've had a vasectomy. I just turned 30, so age probably plays a role in this upsurge, as well as the many physical and emotional openings I've experienced this year. My wife is miserable, depressed, and sick from the stress of it. I am miserable, depressed, feeling like dying every day, and also losing health. Every activity I used to enjoy reminds me of my friend, and nothing seems fun to me now. I've had hallucinations of children while working and walking down the street, and my dreams are haunted. One dream featured a bleeding cat and her single kitten, lice infested, who I couldn't feed properly because all my milk was spoiled (sexual metaphor, anyone? :wink: ). My chest and guts hurt. My balls even hurt, when I think about not being able to have a child.

    My therapist tells me that I am actually trying to deepen my life experience, and live a more meaningful, worthwhile existence through my searching and struggle. Killing myself, he tells me, is at odds with this search. Okay, that makes sense, but I feel like I've fucked everything up so badly for my wife and friend that I maybe shouldn't live. My friend was vital to the things that made me feel worthwhile in life, like playing music- every musical project I've been in has failed, and this last one made it the farthest only to be broken by personal problems. I have wasted so much time on this, and resources that could be better spent on other people's successful projects.

    Well, there are more complications, but this has gone on quite a while. Thanks. If these seem like petty concerns, well, maybe they are. I don't know.
  2. live

    live Antiquitie's Friend

    Somehow I forgot to mention that I also feel like a total bastard and traitor to my wife and marriage. I can't accept a world where "finding yourself" and following that truth means having to hurt people you love. I can't stand to see my wife like this for much longer, but the therapy is a slow process and I don't want to make a wrong decision.
    Ok that's all I promise. :wink:
  3. Old_Man_Kensey

    Old_Man_Kensey Well-Known Member

    u didn t say much about ur friend?Is she single?how does she feel about u?Does she wanna live with u and have kids?
  4. live

    live Antiquitie's Friend

    My friend is single, wants kids, and is in love with me as well. In fact, she admitted it first, which made me realize that I was in denial about it.
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