Don't know what to do any more

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Wonderstuff, Dec 19, 2006.

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  1. Wonderstuff

    Wonderstuff Staff Alumni

    I feel fairly calm, and I know anyone looking at me would probably say I look calm, but my head's all a whirl. I wish I could just rip out all these thoughts, take care of all the mess, because then it would be ok. Lately I've been having mood minute I'll be all right, the next I'll be mightily pissed off and ranting about the smallest thing, or crying my eyes out, and then sometimes I feel like I actually could bounce off the walls, and I jump up and down and laugh like an idiot, and it's like there's too much energy inside me and it's just bursting to get out... I've been blaming a lot of excessive highs and lows on sugar, but I don't know if that's *entirely* it.

    Last night was really bad. I had such a great evening! And then all of a sudden, while I was on the phone, I remembered that I was supposed to find this tape of my mum's. Joe was trying to tell me (that's who I was on the phone to) that it wasn't necessarily me who'd lost it, and I was saying, "But I was the last one to have it", etc, and that part of the conversation wasn't so great. I searched high and low and couldn't find the stupid tape, and was beginning to get quite frustrated. He was telling me to take a break, but I know what my mum's like. She was annoyed that I'd lost it, and she told me I'd have to find it. I know she wants a new Christmas CD anyway, to replace the tape, so I figured if I couldn't find this tape then I'd have to buy the CD, and I have no money atm. So I *HAD* to find it. And I was moving papers and getting mad that the room was in such a state, like she always said, and then when I lifted up that old box from the Swiss Chocolate Nicola had given me for Christmas, it felt heavy. And so I opened it, and there was still quite a bit of chocolate left, maybe about a quarter of the big bar! And then I started to get angry with myself for being all the things my mother has said I am, all this time. Messy - with papers everywhere who can deny that?...Loud - my dad usually comes in while I'm on the phone to tell me to turn it down...and now, with leftover chocolate that's just been lying on the floor for like a year...a complete midden, too.
    And then I got this sudden urge to just literally DIVE into the middle of all the mess and start throwing stuff out, just chuck everything out, organise DVDs and books into piles, get everything categorised and then sorted out - books alphabetical by author, DVDs alphabetical by title...that's what they're like in this house, until I take them out and leave them, and then in a fit of hyper-organisedness, not often, I grab them all up and reorganise them...and then I started completely freaking out and babbling hysterically down the phone, how I wanted to dive in and organise them, and I would do this, and do that, and if it was the middle of the day I would, but it was night time, and my mum would come in and tell me to stop, and everything would get swept to the side, and it would just sit there, all messy, and nothing would EVER be done about it... And then I'm sitting in the middle of all this mess trying not to cry and Joe's going all, "Calm down...take deep breaths..." Which did help, even though I don't think he thought it did very much. And then I said "I wish all this mess would just go away." And that basically summed up everything. And not a minute later, in an ironic twist, I actually found the tape.

    After that I mostly just put stuff back...gave my mum her tape...and then hung up with Joe and went to go up to my bed...And as I was coming out of the middle room where the computer is and stuff, I put the light off, and checked the switch like I always do. Only when I got to 19 I wasn't sure that it was really off...I know that sounds insane. I did it 21 times. I don't like even numbers. And then I was like, oh God. But I managed to keep it together, getting ready for bed and whatnot, and then when I went to get in to bed, I plugged in my extension cable (19, felt like a big triumph. ha!) and put on my bedside lamp (two tries at 19 and settled for 21), but when I went to put the overhead light off I couldn't stop, I checked and checked it, and I was so scared that no matter what number I got to, I would never be sure it was off...I got up to 35 at one point, ended up standing crying at this stupid light switch. Eventually I got into bed - texted this guy I know, and he texted back (didn't get it til this morning because my battery died right after, wasn't even sure if it'd sent mine or not), "When did you develop OCD?"

    It's been suggested before, but I don't know. A couple of people have told me to see a doctor, but mine is useless, and I think he's the typical West Scotland doctor. Thinks mental health is for the insane, and people like me just need a kick up the backside. He implied that I was wasting his time last year...and fair enough, it did get a lot worse after I saw him, maybe it wasn't bad enough then for him to think it was depression or whatever...implied that I was just too stupid to be taking five Highers.
    I don't know. I *feel* insane right now. I feel like I'm just going crazy. I mean, as a kid I used to get paranoid, I'd forget unplugging things and I was terrified of leaving things plugged in overnight - even if they weren't switched on - in case they caught I'd get up and walk over to the socket, and feel around in the dark until I could be sure that nothing was plugged in...And I don't know if it was last year, but I used to just check things once and that was it. And then it was three times for what seemed like forever, which is still FINE. By the start of July this year it was 7, by the end, 11, and now it had been 19 for ages...until last night. It's...I know it's stupid, and I know it doesn't make any sense. But I just start panicking that it's not going to be off and it's going to spark (I once saw a switch do this) and the house is going to go on fire :( I hate being scared, I hate feeling like I'm losing it, and most of all I hate that I'm so all over the place, one minute I'm ranting at someone, the next minute I'm upset, and then after that I'm doing well and flirting and everything...I just wish I could take something that would get rid of these thoughts and the mood swings, anything I could do that would just get rid of them. I don't want to die any more...I don't want to lose Joe...last night I wanted to cut again, but I didn't...I can't spoil the year, not after I *told* my mum it was a year, because if next year I don't go "yay it's been TWO years!" she's going to KNOW, and then she's going to ask questions, and she might get all worried again, and I can't do that to her, she stopped eating and sleeping and everything last time :( :( :(

    I don't know. My head's just all over the place, and I just want it all to go away :(
    (sorry that this was so long and rambly)
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Lauren :hug: :arms: :hug:

    I'm so sorry about this.. I wish I could do something for you. Maybe you should go see another doc... :unsure:

    Anyway I'm here for you hun :arms: :arms:

  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    oh Moonie...find another doc hun..there's help out there
  4. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Aww hun .... I'm so sorry you're feeling like this :hug: :hug:

    I'm glad that you feel better now :) (since you posted this)....

    You know I'm always here for you, no matter what :arms: :cheekkiss

    Hang in there hun - things will improve :)

    :hug:, :cheekkiss and a million more ...

    Joe xx
  5. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Agreed, there is help for this kind of thing

    *sending you big hugs*

    PS. i don't like odd numbers lol i have to do things in two's, eat in twos, drink two sips of a drink etc. urgh gets annoying someimes :dry:
  6. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Dear Lauren; it's a horrible feeling, that of not being "in charge" of oneself. I totally agree with the "change your doctor" opinion, he sounds like a real ass with a horrible "bedside manner".:mad: If it helps any, you know - you ought to know - that you're dearly loved by us here. You're a 'giver' and a 'keeper' both - we love you, Lauren dear!!:smile: :smile: :smile:


    least xoxoxox
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