Hey guys….i haven’t really been on much lately but there has just been so much going on as of late, and I really can’t hold this all in anymore. I have been failing in school rather miserably, and now I am at the point of no return. I am failing math, English, and history, and I just cannot find a way to dig myself out of this hole. I keep trying every day to get something done, but it seems as though I truly have nothing left in me anymore. My mom is beyond disappointed in me since I’m only a sophomore in high school and I used to be an honor student in middle school. My dad takes her side on all of this, and if the only other family member I have in my life, my grandma, finds out about my grades, she will literally kill me. It hasn’t been only stuff at school though, I went through a rough breakup with my ex-gf and now she has moved on, which yes I am happy for her, but seeing her every day in many of my classes is really hard. She used to help me understand things, but no longer will because I’m “just a stupid and hopeless addict with no future”. To add to all the matters, my grandma is the one who has really raised me, and was able to get my parents to allow me to stop going to pre-school when she found out the teacher would shake me… I am much closer to her, and she is the only one in my family who I have told I am gay. She even now proudly wears a rainbow colored wristband that reads “equality” on it that I got for her. She hasn’t had a very good life these last few years, she has been constantly sick. This isn’t exactly something new; she has been sickly all her life. However now it keeps getting more and more life threatening. She was hospitalized for illness 6 or 7 times in the previous 6 or so months. Right now they really don’t know why this is happening, but about every 4 to 5 weeks, she will get sick with the same symptoms and will be bed ridden for a minimum of 6 days. I have always done my best all my life to care for her when she has been sick, but it seems like no matter what I do I don’t ever feel I can do enough. My mom will now only allow me to see her once a week because she thinks my being there is the reason for me doing so poorly in school. I would be much calmer if I could just be there to assure myself that she is safe, and isn’t lying on the floor or needing an ambulance. Things at home get heated all the time, and I rarely leave my room anymore, and will only eat at school. After being drug free for a year, I succumbed to the temptation last Friday, and am now beyond furious with myself. I have been able to keep myself from cutting, for fear that it will only intensify my problems when I have to see a new doctor and start seeing a different therapist on the 15th. Rather ironically, I will be leaving school to go to my appointments. I just feel so helpless right now, and feel like I truly have no one to turn to that will listen any more. My mom says she hates to see me hurting so bad, but yet she only intensifies the problem knowing very well what she is doing…. I am sorry this is such a long post, but I just really needed to get all this out…..