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don't know what to do anymore..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by razakel, Sep 25, 2014.

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  1. razakel

    razakel New Member

    9 years...9 very long years I have felt nothing but pain and emptiness. Everyone who was ever important to me I have watched walk out of my life. All of my friends all of my loved ones. Wether they leave quickly or take the time to stab you in the back first..i have spent so many nights crying myself to sleep, so many days alone in a room noone to talk to noone caring how I felt. So many of those days I don't think I can even cry anymore. Its like I'm numb inside, csnt feel anything anymore. I've lived my life trying to be a good person, to respect everyone and do right by them, even the ones who have ripped my heart from my body piece by piece. I can't say I've never been happy, there were times. But those times ended up hurting so much more then they helped. I just don't see a point anymore. Why should i keep fighting this when jnoone cares? Why should I look forward to the false hope I've been given so many times that someone cares when I know they will eventually stab me in the back? What have I done to deserve this? Despite the way I was raised I've tried to be a good person. Why do I have to suffer so much and watch everyone aroubd me smiling and being happy when they are so ugly on the inside? All of their nice things, their friends, their families, their relationships..always so perfect for the cruelhearted. there must be someone out there with an answer...someone that can help me understand..I don't want this anymore...
  2. I feel your pain
  3. Velvetina

    Velvetina Member

    Hey, I came to find you on here after your reply to my post and I'm glad I have. You were the first person to reply to me and when I woke up this morning to see that 'anyone' would think to try to help me, it made me cry.

    So much of what you say above resonates with me. It hurts that I understand.

    You're not alone. There are people that understand and you sound a little like me that you've been unlucky that you've been surrounded by some really awful people. Those people drag you down, but sometimes all it take is connecting with one person who is good inside and is willing to listen. I don't understand why so many bad people get to be so lucky in life I can't answer that and I really wish I could. I had a "friend" in senior school who made me feel like crap and worthless every single day I knew her, which is something I only realised after escaping her company. This friend was so bad she told me that I should stay with an abusive partner because that is all I would ever deserve and get. Now I'm living with this misery every day on my life and I've recently heard that she's found a rich partner who has brought her a house, they're getting married and she doesn't even have to work to survive. She's gotten everything she ever wanted from life and more and I just don't understand what she did to deserve it, it feels like she got all of that because she was just awful to people until she got what she wanted. It's just not in me to be that way and sometimes I think it would be easier if I could.

    Sorry that became really long and ranty - but the thing is that there are good people out there and there are those who will support you and understand and hopefully you'll feel better.
  4. Yvette

    Yvette Active Member

    Just wanted to say I can relate to this too, everyone in my life that I previously thought to be good people have left me, or screwed me over. I don't know why I tend to attract people into my life who either just hurt, use, or betray me.
  5. saturniidae

    saturniidae Member

    for a long time...I kept wondering the same thing.
  6. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    What you said resonated with me deeply.. I think I understand how you feel. Good things happen to good and bad people, same with bad things of course, and there's a whole lot of luck involved. The world is based upon luck in my opinion, and some people have to deal with so much more sadness. The thing is, if you give up, then you forfeit any chance at having happiness, and that'd be too sad for a sweet person like yourself.. I wish the world had more sweet people like you in it.
  7. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Hi - I wish I had some answers for you, but I have been asking the same questions my whole life. It is strange the way the world seems divided between "us" and "them." Superficiality breeds happiness, it would appear.

    The only consolation I can offer right now is that, as this thread demonstrates, there are more people in the "us" camp than you might realize. Please take some comfort from knowing that some of us really do understand.
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