Firstly this is extremely long- so I don't mind if no one replies or even reads it. I just felt by posting it, I might relieve myself of feeling like shit. For a long time I had just always been happy; I could honestly say my life was perfect. I don't want anyone to think of me as being egotistical; but I am good looking, had always received high grades in school (top 1.6% of the state), I am fit and healthy, I have plenty of friends, I have supportive parents, I had a secure weekend job and I've always been spoilt and wealthy (relative to others), I am doing a law degree at university, I play sports, I am a good tennis player, etc. etc. I hate talking about myself like this but I want to get the picture that I do live a good life. The problem is that with all that perfection I seem to alienate people: I don't think people really like me. I think my friends are superficial. I think people hang around me because I am wealthy, I think people hang around me because I'm good looking, I think people only hang around me because they think I'm cool, I think some people only hang around with me- because I help them with their school work, etc. I try to make friends with people who I think would appreciate me, but they only reject me because they see me as arrogant. To complicate things further I'm gay. I just don't know how to deal with that- I don't have a problem with it, but I don't know how to tell people, I fear it will cause mass rejection. As well as this; I have fallen in love with my best friend Sean. We seem close but I wonder if he really likes me. I love him and feel such a pain when I send a message and don't get a reply. I end up getting frustrated because I'm used to getting what I want, but I can't have him. All this has caused me to lose a lot of energy. Normally I'm such a lively person, but recently I just can't be fucked trying with anything. Yesterday I didn't even pass in an assignment that is worth 25% of my unit mark- because I seemingly had no energy to start it. I can't be bothered hanging out with my friends and I haven't turned up to football training. So I got kicked out of the team. I have shut out my family, the only people who I know truly care about me. I stay up late all night and then sleep in through the day (it is 4:36 AM now). I can't be bothered going outside anymore, and all I want to do is wait for Sean or anybody to text me and care. I want to know that people actually do care- I want someone to notice that I'm feeling depressed- but no one does. The only thing that stimulates me now is being reckless. The other day some friends came over to my house, they wanted to go for a drive (in my car). Reluctantly I agreed. I was driving along the high way and for some reason- I just decided to put my foot to the floor and head into an intersection at a speed of >100 km/hr. Once they screamed I reacted, the car slid everywhere and I just swerved; and I applied the break and used the gears to force a stop. I was so close to death it was unbelievable and for the first time in ages, I was stimulated, the incident made me feel alive. That night I went out and jumped off a bridge (not a dangerous jump), only to plummet into ice cold water, that was soo cold it was almost burning. In the middle of the night I sat there by myself and once again: I was happy, I felt alive. Lately I have been wandering around at night, on my own, in the dark listening to music. I have deleted the majority of the 'happy' music I used to listen to, all I want to do now is listen to depressing music. I don't know if I'm suicidal, but I certainly feel no desire to live. I don't know why; if I compare myself to other people, comparatively I have no right to feel depressed. But I can't help being overwhelmed with emotions: powerful, depressing and out of control emotions. I just feel sick, I feel dead inside. I feel like despite having everything, I have nothing. I feel like sooner or later I'm going to do something stupid.