Don't know what to do anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alexus18, Apr 4, 2007.

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  1. Alexus18

    Alexus18 New Member

    Firstly this is extremely long- so I don't mind if no one replies or even reads it. I just felt by posting it, I might relieve myself of feeling like shit.

    For a long time I had just always been happy; I could honestly say my life was perfect. I don't want anyone to think of me as being egotistical; but I am good looking, had always received high grades in school (top 1.6% of the state), I am fit and healthy, I have plenty of friends, I have supportive parents, I had a secure weekend job and I've always been spoilt and wealthy (relative to others), I am doing a law degree at university, I play sports, I am a good tennis player, etc. etc. I hate talking about myself like this but I want to get the picture that I do live a good life.

    The problem is that with all that perfection I seem to alienate people: I don't think people really like me. I think my friends are superficial. I think people hang around me because I am wealthy, I think people hang around me because I'm good looking, I think people only hang around me because they think I'm cool, I think some people only hang around with me- because I help them with their school work, etc.

    I try to make friends with people who I think would appreciate me, but they only reject me because they see me as arrogant. To complicate things further I'm gay. I just don't know how to deal with that- I don't have a problem with it, but I don't know how to tell people, I fear it will cause mass rejection. As well as this; I have fallen in love with my best friend Sean. We seem close but I wonder if he really likes me. I love him and feel such a pain when I send a message and don't get a reply. I end up getting frustrated because I'm used to getting what I want, but I can't have him.

    All this has caused me to lose a lot of energy. Normally I'm such a lively person, but recently I just can't be fucked trying with anything. Yesterday I didn't even pass in an assignment that is worth 25% of my unit mark- because I seemingly had no energy to start it. I can't be bothered hanging out with my friends and I haven't turned up to football training. So I got kicked out of the team. I have shut out my family, the only people who I know truly care about me. I stay up late all night and then sleep in through the day (it is 4:36 AM now). I can't be bothered going outside anymore, and all I want to do is wait for Sean or anybody to text me and care. I want to know that people actually do care- I want someone to notice that I'm feeling depressed- but no one does.

    The only thing that stimulates me now is being reckless. The other day some friends came over to my house, they wanted to go for a drive (in my car). Reluctantly I agreed. I was driving along the high way and for some reason- I just decided to put my foot to the floor and head into an intersection at a speed of >100 km/hr. Once they screamed I reacted, the car slid everywhere and I just swerved; and I applied the break and used the gears to force a stop. I was so close to death it was unbelievable and for the first time in ages, I was stimulated, the incident made me feel alive. That night I went out and jumped off a bridge (not a dangerous jump), only to plummet into ice cold water, that was soo cold it was almost burning. In the middle of the night I sat there by myself and once again: I was happy, I felt alive. Lately I have been wandering around at night, on my own, in the dark listening to music. I have deleted the majority of the 'happy' music I used to listen to, all I want to do now is listen to depressing music.

    I don't know if I'm suicidal, but I certainly feel no desire to live. I don't know why; if I compare myself to other people, comparatively I have no right to feel depressed. But I can't help being overwhelmed with emotions: powerful, depressing and out of control emotions. I just feel sick, I feel dead inside. I feel like despite having everything, I have nothing.

    I feel like sooner or later I'm going to do something stupid.
  2. CM 1000

    CM 1000 Guest

    I include/understand what you want to say. I am not certain that you there will believe me yes is a good reason for which you feel all these things. It is that you had an unconscious archetypal idea to kill now certain emotions to you brought back to the conscience this idea. Maintaining to disencumber you of this thought you must make a meditation (closed eyes) you must think that this archetypal idea comes you from your ancestors and that you give again this idea to them and that them will know what to do with If you want to know what it is an archetypal idea to see French site you can use to translate
  3. Erebos

    Erebos Well-Known Member

    If he's not interested, then you just have to move along and explore elsewhere. Rejection happens. As for telling people, perhaps you'd benefit from one of those "coming out" groups. Are there ones in your community/school?
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    It's nice being well-off and talented, but don't feel guilty just because that does not make you happy. Being gay can be tough, I imagine especially because everyone always ASSUMES that someone is straight (and rightfully so, considering 90% of the population is), but I would think that it would be tough to have to "come out" to everyone to whom you become close.

    Does Sean know you're gay?

    Unrequited love is never a great feeling, but just think about the fact that MUTUAL love is the best and most enduring, fulfilling love you can ever feel.

    Personally (and I KNOW this sounds very strange) I have always wanted a gay male friend. 99.99 percent of my friends are men, which is great (all the female friends I have ever had have stabbed me in the back at some point, which is not to say that I don't like women, I just get along better with men, I guess). I'm a guy's girl, and not in a necessarily sexual way...I just have more fun wih guys :) I guess I just want the best of both worlds!

    Anyway, you are a real testament to the fact that money, looks and talent do not necessarily buy happiness (unfortunately!).

    Understand though, that all of these things (your talent, personality, wealth, etc.) all make you who you are! Don't think that just because you are wealthy or well-dressed or whatever means that people only see those things in you. That is what makes you who you are. Born gay, rich, good-looking etc. (including your flaws)...all of these things are part of YOU...what make you unique! It doesn't mean that people are obsessed with what you HAVE; it means that they like the total package! So try to be happy with what you have been given and work your hardest to be the best person you can be and people will respond to that.

    Try not to be too cynical; always thinking that people want something from you. The bottom line is that you are who you are, and decent people will see you for who you are and accept that, warts and all (art reference :) ). Be open and optimistic and good things will come to you.
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