Don't know what to do anymore...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sean_1987, Feb 26, 2008.

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  1. Sean_1987

    Sean_1987 New Member

    Been dead inside for almost a year and a half now, and really don't know what to do anymore. I was with a girl most of 2006 that I really loved to no end, but there was lots of problems involved. Her ex-boyfriend was still obsessed with her, and he could not get over the fact that she was with me. He chased us and threatened to kill me for months. Then, one night in September of 2006 he told her to come to his house because it was an emergency and he hung himself in front of her. I was living with her at the time, and she became very depressed and suicidal herself. My parents and friends really disliked her, and she was mean to me a lot of the time after that incident because I think it helped her get over what had happened. I didn't know what to do, and ended up breaking up with her in October. Earlier that year I had already gotten her pregnant once and she had a miscarriage then after we broke up I continued to have sex with her like a complete idiot, and ended up getting her pregnant again right before Christmas. I kind of wanted to have the kid at first, but once again for my parents I did what they wanted. I said some really awful things to her and was a complete asshole to her. She ended up again having a miscarriage and I found out it was twins. After all that happened I still could not get over her and there has been periods where we haven't talked for months but we have had a pretty fucked up situation ever since then, and she is always still trying to get me back, it has been 14 months since the second miscarriage. My friends and family think I haven't spoke to her in over a year.All of what happened back then really bothered me and still does. She gave meaning to my life, and I have never been able to get it back. I have thought about suicide probably hundreds of times in the past year, but I think the only thing that has kept me hear is knowing my family really loves me. But I feel like everything I do is a lie and nothing makes me happy. I am going to college for my parents and work for them, don't really like any of my friends, and have no goals for the future. Recently, I have episodes where I just seem to lose it, and can't deal with my life anymore. So far I am able to calm myself down after a while, but they are getting worse. Tonight I tried to choke myself, but I was able to stop myself. What has really made my state worse is the last couple of months I have also been struggling with my sexuality. I believe myself to be bisexual, and hate myself for it. I feel really uncomfortable around my friends and family now. I know that I would be kicked out of my house and have no friends. I know this is a lot of writing, but I have never discussed my issues with anyone before and have a lot to say. I really have just come to the point where I hate my life and have no hope for the future. I just don't really want to be here anymore a lot of the time, and I know I need help.
  2. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your seemingly miserable state of mind right now. As for what to do all I can say is just hold on. To what? To anything. Surely there is something left to strive for? Reach for it, grab onto it & never let go.

    Society is to blame for any negative reaction to your bisexuality..... if it does turn out that people shun you for your beliefs they are the one(s) with the problems not you. Remember that. If it's bothering you, you just need to come to terms with your sexuality & accept it. What else is there to do?

    I wish I could say more to help you out.
    Take Care
  3. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Hey Sean, sorry you're going through such a rough time. I think you need to have a talk with your parents about what it is you want to do with your life. Maybe they just care about you and want you to be near them but if it is not something you want to do the best thing to do would be to let them know, the truth will come out sooner or later whether in the form of your being miserable or your letting them know how you feel. There's nothing wrong with being bisexual, although I know parents can have different views on that and I'm really not sure what you should do about that, perhaps you should just tell them when the time is right, when you're financially stable and can take care of your own life, after all it is your decision to make.
  4. Sean_1987

    Sean_1987 New Member

    hey guys just wanted to say thank you for the support. Reading your responses and a couple other things on this forum yesterday actually really helped me today. I am going to keep on trying.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    hi Sean...glad there is some decrease in the anxt and hope you feel even have so many difficult things going on at once, that it is no wonder you are feeling so overwhelmed and sad; maybe talking to a counselor or alike may also help (just my 2 sense)...please continue to share how you are doing and know there are so many of us here trying to make it on a very difficult safe and big hugs, J
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