Been dead inside for almost a year and a half now, and really don't know what to do anymore. I was with a girl most of 2006 that I really loved to no end, but there was lots of problems involved. Her ex-boyfriend was still obsessed with her, and he could not get over the fact that she was with me. He chased us and threatened to kill me for months. Then, one night in September of 2006 he told her to come to his house because it was an emergency and he hung himself in front of her. I was living with her at the time, and she became very depressed and suicidal herself. My parents and friends really disliked her, and she was mean to me a lot of the time after that incident because I think it helped her get over what had happened. I didn't know what to do, and ended up breaking up with her in October. Earlier that year I had already gotten her pregnant once and she had a miscarriage then after we broke up I continued to have sex with her like a complete idiot, and ended up getting her pregnant again right before Christmas. I kind of wanted to have the kid at first, but once again for my parents I did what they wanted. I said some really awful things to her and was a complete asshole to her. She ended up again having a miscarriage and I found out it was twins. After all that happened I still could not get over her and there has been periods where we haven't talked for months but we have had a pretty fucked up situation ever since then, and she is always still trying to get me back, it has been 14 months since the second miscarriage. My friends and family think I haven't spoke to her in over a year.All of what happened back then really bothered me and still does. She gave meaning to my life, and I have never been able to get it back. I have thought about suicide probably hundreds of times in the past year, but I think the only thing that has kept me hear is knowing my family really loves me. But I feel like everything I do is a lie and nothing makes me happy. I am going to college for my parents and work for them, don't really like any of my friends, and have no goals for the future. Recently, I have episodes where I just seem to lose it, and can't deal with my life anymore. So far I am able to calm myself down after a while, but they are getting worse. Tonight I tried to choke myself, but I was able to stop myself. What has really made my state worse is the last couple of months I have also been struggling with my sexuality. I believe myself to be bisexual, and hate myself for it. I feel really uncomfortable around my friends and family now. I know that I would be kicked out of my house and have no friends. I know this is a lot of writing, but I have never discussed my issues with anyone before and have a lot to say. I really have just come to the point where I hate my life and have no hope for the future. I just don't really want to be here anymore a lot of the time, and I know I need help.