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Don't know what to do anymore.

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Well then, where to begin. Best thing to do is to go back to this time last year. I was with this guy for 4 years, he was abusive physically and mentally, but deep down I loved him. We broke up, which I know in the long run has been better, but with in weeks of it ending, I miscarried our child. It broke my heart because all I've wanted to do with my life is have kids. Anyway things were rocky with me for a few months after that, it was a huge shock to the system and I didn't think I'd pick myself back up from it, but I did. I went out one night and met the best guy in the world. Boy, if only I knew how badly things were gonna go after that night. That was the 14th of November 2010. That night I had to sit up all night (And I do mean until 9am the following morning) looking after my alcoholic brother. Things with him were pretty bad, he was always drinking and got himself into some severe states. The police phoning our father at stupid o'clock in the morning was nothing new to us. My brother then died, the 21st of December 2010, we still don't know what he died of, but we have a pretty good idea on how, will be explained when I get to it.
Then something great happened, the guy I mentioned earlier, me and him got together, and that I swear, was the best 10 days of my life. Then 31st January, it struck again. My father died, suddenly. Very suddenly. I saw him that morning, and he was going to pick me up that night, from the guys place. I had a phone call from my mother, hysterical, all she kept saying was "Get home now. Dad." I of course rushed home to find out my father had a massive heart attack in the doctors surgery and was in hospital. I spent the whole way down reassuring my mum that people survive heart attacks everyday, I convinced her and myself that he was okay. He'd died instantly. The first thing I reached for was that guy I don't want to say his name, for his sake, and the first thing my mother reached for was the bottle.
The last three months has been a living hell. My mothers drinking has rapidly gotten worse, I wouldn't mind so much if she wasn't so nasty to me. She calls me everything you can think of under the sun. Worthless, fat, no good everything. She's kicked me out god knows how many times over the last three months. Then he couldn't take it anymore. Two weeks ago, he shattered what little pieces I had of my heart and broke it off with me. Made me come back to the hell hole I have to live in now. How am I honestly supposed to deal with all this and still hold my head up high and say it's gonna be okay. How is it ever going to be okay again!?
I cut myself, have done for years but that dosen't seem to be doing anything for me anymore no matter how long or deep a cut is, just seems mundane to me now. So I've started to get high off prescription medications. A massive cocktail of them. I know I'm going down a bad road here, and I need help. I can't talk to people, I find it impossible to open up at all to someone I know. There's one person I have done that with and he's just broke me, so I guess that's why I'm reaching out to unknown people. Just some one help me get back to myself.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi my god you have gone through so much hun and you managed to fight back okay. You need to lay off the drugs okay you call your doctor and you get on medication to help you deal with all the pain inside your heart you get on antidepressant so you have some help to cope. You can pm me any time okay i will listen and i will care. In time you will find someone who will not give up on your love You are strong to have gotten through all you have so please keep fighting with help meds and just venting here reaching out for support things will get better, hugs to you:hugtackles::hugtackles:
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