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Don't know what to do with myself.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cult logic, Mar 18, 2010.

  1. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

    I have absolutely no control over my moods... I will be happy one second, or at least in a good mood and then one bad thought might enter my mind or some minor little thing might happen and it will just destroy me.

    That tiny little thing that most people will be like "Oh that sucks" will just flood my mind with more and more stuff that is wrong or that I do wrong and then 5 seconds after being in a good mood I want to kill myself.

    I HATE being this unstable...

    I also have the problem with anger, almost every morning my mom comes in my room and starts screaming at me to get up and then I end up getting upset enough that I just say "fuck it" and don't go to school like I'm supposed to... I should be able to just force myself to go but I end up so incredibly angry that I just don't care about the consequences.

    I haven't been to school since last Monday from that.

    My emotions control me and I make really impulsive decisions on important things because of it...

    One moment I will feel this way and then the next that. I'm sure due to this I come off as fake to most of you here. How can anyone be fine here then upset there and then fine again?

    I wanted to go back to therapy but I don't think I could follow through with it. The first time I would almost always try to get out of going until I finally got to cancel them entirely. I don't know why but I just can't talk about emotions face to face with people, have them staring at me passing judgment. I feel like an absolute fool saying anything about how I feel to one.

    I just don't know anymore.
  2. Mat Voleido

    Mat Voleido Well-Known Member

    I think alot of it might have to do with just being a teenager/young man, and dealing with school and hormones and all the normal stress.

    When I was 15-17, I was the same. I would be fine one day, numb the next, depressed. Days of mine could go great to shitty, all depending on what one person would say, but it worked opposite as well.

    You sound like you need to just work a bit on your thought patterns. This is what happens to me, maybe it's the same thing that happens to you?

    I say something to someone, realize it sounds awkward -> Thinking about it later, I'll realize how awkward it was -> I'll think I'm an awkward person, and that person thinks I'm a loser -> I'll feel like a loser and be quiet, and feel depressed

    It's just patterns most depressed people think in. You just need to not focus on things, and try to distract yourself. Depression makes you overthink things way too much. Most of the time it's just an overreaction. Depression makes you do that. Just try and think objectively, and think of other possibilities. Not everything needs to be negative.

    I dunno, I'm rambling and trying to phrase it right, but I realize it's not coming out as well as I want it too, haha.

    I understand the therapy thing; sometimes it's easy to type it online. But trust me, being in the same situation that you've been in, I don't judge you in the LEAST. In fact, I understand completely and you're not at fault at all for ANY of your feelings. It's just how you're wired to think. It's hard to change, but try and focus on trying think positively. Does any of this make sense to you?

    I hope you're well :hug: