don't know what to do with myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by angee, Apr 25, 2012.

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  1. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    A year ago now i was taking an overdose, i feel like i should saying something about how i'm glad i was saved, that i wouldn't have had this past year without them bringing me back to life... that's not how i feel though. I do feel guilt, so much guilt, and i hate myself every day for what i did to my family and friends, i knew i would but i was supposed to be dead and not able to feel anything. I didn't see any bright light or have any major revalations about life! When i woke up all i had of what had happened was a hole... a gap of nothingness, no pain... nothing! i have no memory of anything for two days after the taking the overdose. Why can't i be sat here typing 'thank god they found me!' Instead i ask 'how long do i have to do this?' The other day i was crossing the road and for a brief second my body paused and looked at the car coming towards me. I remember thinking 'if just stop here....' then i was crossing again. I've never, ever done that before, if i was to kill myself it would be by my hand, not on someone else's head, it shook me up, didn't know what to do, just stood there like a lemon at the side of the road! :sad:
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I hope after your family found out what had happened, you were provided support...are you in counseling and is there someone you can talk to? These are very difficult situations to try to handle on one's own, no matter how smart or old the person is...so sorry you are feeling as you do what glad you are with us
     
  3. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    i have a cpn that is seeing me once a week atm but i find it hard to talk to her, i find it hard talking to my friends and family that know because of how much i hurt them, i dunno...
     
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    You do need to talk if you are having diffulculty doing this write your feelings emotions down at least this way you can get them out there very important to release some of these feeliings otherwise they keep building to breaking point again.If your family and friends are understanding try and tell them how your feeling or as again i mentioned write it all down to show them.
     
  5. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    i am trying to write stuff down, its hard when its all swimming round up there,i cant talk much to my family and friends, i have hurt them way too much as it is with all this, they have their own problems and lives.
     
  6. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I can relate to that i used to try to get things down so much going on at once but even just try get few things down.I get ppl have their own probs do you have any other suppot like councillor therapist etc as this can help you even just to vent.Things sometimes are hard to go through alone so support really does give you that edge.Youve also reached out here which is great we will give you as much as we can
     
  7. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    on here is the only place i have been able to talk and try to get things out, i used to see a psychologist but they decided it was too dangerous for me to go into my past ect atm. so all i have is my consultant every 6 months and my cpn once a week, i am trying so hard to talk to my cpn but its hard to admit some stuff, i'm a single mum with 4 kids i dont want to risk loosing them x
     
  8. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Getting well is the best thing you can do for your kids and understand when head is racing hard to get things down or out.Keep using this forum for support as well to get things out but reaching out will help you and your kids.You shouldnt loose them by trying too get well believe me i have 4 too and im getting councilling and alcohol councilling therapy and i still have my kids
     
  9. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    feel really low today, scrated the skin off the back of my hand, found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, now my ex boyfriend! everything is so shit! its getting harder and harder to want to do anything, ive had enough of it all butwhat can i do? i have the kids, they have no one else but even that thought is getting harder and harder to hold on to
     
  10. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I m sorry that has happened on top of what your going through you really need to talk to your doc and get some help as somethings we cant get through alone we need that guiding hand sometimes.To be able to have somebody to talk with helps get those emotions out instead of building to where everything is to much.Part of depression is lack of motivation as well you need to find your inner strength again for you and your kids.I mj glad you are still reaching out here too and i hope its helping.Please take care
     
  11. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    it has taken every last ounce of inner strength to get through this past year since my overdose, i dont think i have any left
     
  12. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I really understand where you are coming from as i myself od twice before xmas and somedays i do fall.Just wondering is there any sort of social groups or parenting groups you could attend meet people that are and have bee through what you are going through right now.
     
  13. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    not round here its hopeless for services
     
  14. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Thats no good then have spoken with your doc how you are feeling lately as they can recommend treatments therapy etc.You will be amazed once rebuilding that inner strength again how you learn to cope with situations.It does take time but you build up a strength and look at life in a different way and actually deal with some tough times alot better.
     
  15. angee

    angee Well-Known Member

    thanks, they are putting me into new trials, dealing with treatments ect but i have to wait for it all to start up, in the mean time i see my cpn once a fortnight and i can ring the crisis team if i am suicidal
     
  16. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    I m glad to hear that i just googled mental health from what location you have in your profile and see there is a few services.
     
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