I have a long history with suicidal thoughts and attempts. I'm 33 now but I might as well be 17, my thought processes haven't changed since. I moved around a lot when I was a kid, with my mom bouncing from boyfriend to boyfriend. Besides the constant bullying for always being reserved, I watched my mom get beaten over and over again. One instance I will always vividly remember resulted in her being thrown into a fireplace mantel. She lost so much blood, I thought she was dead. I threw myself at her boyfriend, but was brushed aside like I was nothing. I was only 10. This prompted my father to gain custody of me. Without me, she spiraled downward and died from an alcohol induced heart attack when I was 17. It happened on mother's day. I was ignored completely by my father. He showed no emotion when my mom died. He didn't give me any time off school. No one but myself and her uncle attended her funeral. I joined the Air Force through the delayed enlistment program soon after. I barely passed my senior year. I felt like a shell of myself. I finally felt a sense of belonging in the military, but I was medically discharged after a year for chest problems. I spent the next six years of my life in an alcoholic daze, attempting to drink myself to death multiple times. I ended up in a homeless shelter. I spent a year there in sobriety and was accepted into a university with their help. After a half of a semester, I relapsed and attempted <mod edit- method> in a motel. I was sent to a mental hospital for a week and met a girl that became my wife. She treated me like shit for seven years, but I did get my son, whom I cherish above all else. I found out that she cheated on me throughout our marriage and I left. I've been very alone and I've started drinking again. I have a good job now and I thought it would make things better. It hasn't. I feel its only a matter of time before I give up completely.