Don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jpgf, Jun 6, 2014.

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  1. jpgf

    jpgf Member

    I have a long history with suicidal thoughts and attempts. I'm 33 now but I might as well be 17, my thought processes haven't changed since. I moved around a lot when I was a kid, with my mom bouncing from boyfriend to boyfriend. Besides the constant bullying for always being reserved, I watched my mom get beaten over and over again. One instance I will always vividly remember resulted in her being thrown into a fireplace mantel. She lost so much blood, I thought she was dead. I threw myself at her boyfriend, but was brushed aside like I was nothing. I was only 10. This prompted my father to gain custody of me. Without me, she spiraled downward and died from an alcohol induced heart attack when I was 17. It happened on mother's day. I was ignored completely by my father. He showed no emotion when my mom died. He didn't give me any time off school. No one but myself and her uncle attended her funeral. I joined the Air Force through the delayed enlistment program soon after. I barely passed my senior year. I felt like a shell of myself. I finally felt a sense of belonging in the military, but I was medically discharged after a year for chest problems. I spent the next six years of my life in an alcoholic daze, attempting to drink myself to death multiple times. I ended up in a homeless shelter. I spent a year there in sobriety and was accepted into a university with their help. After a half of a semester, I relapsed and attempted <mod edit- method> in a motel. I was sent to a mental hospital for a week and met a girl that became my wife. She treated me like shit for seven years, but I did get my son, whom I cherish above all else. I found out that she cheated on me throughout our marriage and I left. I've been very alone and I've started drinking again. I have a good job now and I thought it would make things better. It hasn't. I feel its only a matter of time before I give up completely.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2014
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hello welcome to SF. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time of it, I can relate to how you say you're x age but feel 17 I'm 30 and still feel like I am stuck at a certain point, and yes having a job however good is only of a fleeting glimpse if escapism. As I guess we are nit defined by our work, but the thoughts within our heads.

    You've done incredibly well though to get some level of stability in your life despite coming up against so much you should be immensely proud if that. Your motivation to seek help, and to try and keep going has to be your son. Although you might feel like you want to give up completely and I know how that feels you have so much to look forward to, and a future there waiting I hope.

    I don't have all the answers sorry I just wanted to reply to your post, and tell you you have been heard and that I hide you keep trying to reach out.

    Take care

  3. jpgf

    jpgf Member

    Thank you. I just don't feel like I have enough willpower to make another go at it.
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi jpgf, pleased to meet you and thank you for reaching out and finding SF - I am sorry about what has happened to you in your life, but know that your son must mean the world to you, and that you would like things to be better. Having a good job is a big plus, although it isn't able to bring healing to the internal places which are confused and hurting. For this you need support, encouragement, hope, insight and the knowledge within you that life's adversities can come to be seen from a different perspective by beginning a new journey, the journey to inner healing. I might sound like I'm talking out the back of my head, but it's been the story of my life too - I well know how it feels to be stuck trying to re-create a different childhood from the one I had and other things which are actually physically impossible, but that doesn't mean it's the end of the story concerning our existence :)

    Please be assured that the journey into inner peace and tranquillity and strength is readily accessible, sometimes we need some pointers as to how to go about it. I can PM you the details of a counsellor/mentor who has helped me, if you'd like :) Blessings and strength, urP
  5. jpgf

    jpgf Member

    Thank you uePrecious. I had a mentor. He passed away in 2007. He's the one who kept me going when my father dumped me off at a homeless shelter. I've had some very bad experiences since. I have no one to even talk to any more. No one truly seems to care.
  6. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi jpgf,

    You have someone to talk too. Life is tough but you can keep going on.

    Welcome to the forum, you are among the nicest and caring people in the world. Life is tough but you deal with one day at a time. Please do not think you are alone and please keep posting. Take care.
  7. jpgf

    jpgf Member

    Thank you to everyone that helped me make it through the night. I don't feel like I can make it through this next week. I am alone and scared
  8. howardTX

    howardTX Active Member

    You seem very resilient! You might not feel that way but just from reading your first post, I kind of get that from you. I have FAR less issues and history and it is very hard to focus on the importance of my 2boys and how their lives would change and be affected by killing myself. I have a friend who's dad killed himself and she went from an all "A" student, national honor society, with SO many opportunities to now struggling to stay employees and a huge substance abuse problem. I hope you can turn things around with a 12step program, counseling, or other assistance. Take care, and if it helps... Just keep putting it off. :) Sometimes I think my procrastination is one of the few things keeping me alive.
  9. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    We care about you here jp - although it's not the same as meeting a physical person, it's possible to have Skype mentoring if you feel that's a gap you'd like to fill, to have someone to talk to. Someone who does care about you as the unique, precious human being that you are. I think it's awesome that you have a good job which is something a lot of people are unable to say - it's another positive in your life, as well as your son, that can be sources of hope from which to search for the emotional healing you are in need of, and which is available - please PM me if you'd like
  10. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I don't know if I could live with that. you are strong.
  11. jpgf

    jpgf Member

    I'm too worn out to fight anymore. I feel like I've been fighting my whole life to find a reason to stay around. As we speak, my ex continues to teach my son to hate me. Maybe he should. Maybe it's what I deserve.
  12. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    No, you deserve far better. I am sorry your ex is doing this, it won't bring her what she wants in the long run because your son will (most probably) be unlikely to process such manipulation in the way she intends, and when he is older he will despise her for it (most likely, once he's old enough to understand). Perhaps if she is told this truth, it may make her reconsider what she's doing. She owes it to her son's future not to do this to him. Once you become sure of your ground on this, it is worth staying around for, his sake, and the knowledge that emotional and psychological pain can become healed and integrated, that's also another reason :)
  13. nessa456

    nessa456 Active Member

    I totally identify with the worn out feeling - I am fighting depression myself. I would encourage you to share your feelings on this board. Your son makes life worth living, as you said so try to always focus on being there for him. You can pm me if you ever need to talk - I spend most time at home.
  14. jpgf

    jpgf Member

    I almost passed out from a panic attack while driving yesterday. This prompted me to go to a crisis intake at a behavioral health center. I couldn't afford to be admitted to a hospital, so they cut me loose. I wish this was all just over.
  15. jpgf

    jpgf Member

    Thank you to everybody who tried to help me. I give up
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