As I’m typing this it’s late at night and I don’t know what to do. Lately everything has just been going down for me and I just feel so hopeless. I’ve been avoiding posting my problems here because in doing so I am acknowledging the feelings I have inside of me. Although I’ve always knew they were there, it’s different when you see yourself laid out in words in front of you which you have consciously and willing placed there. I just want someone to talk to because I’m not sure where to go. Long story short, I’ve always been down (I don’t know if I want to use the word depression because it seems too strong, but perhaps that is the case so I will use it anyway), ever since I was little kid. Sometimes the feelings, the impenetrable sadness, the strong desire to be alone, the thoughts and desire to want to die, would plague me and I would just feel miserable. Other times it would be like I never felt that way and I am filled with hope. Since I can remember, it was always like this, up and down, some days filled with sorrow, other days it would be like it wasn’t even there. Lately though all I feel is sorrow. And all I want to do is die, but I don’t want to hurt anyone because of my absence. I just don’t think I’m right for this world. I want to leave, I want freedom, I want to leave everyone. Sometimes it's such an effort to eat, sometimes I don’t want to eat at all, lately I haven’t been able to sleep, night after night thinking and thinking . . . of ways to push people away, of ways to end my life. I want to buy sleeping pills so I can get a good night's rest so the thoughts would stop, but I’m apprehensive about it because I believe I would be tempted to overdose. I told a friend how I felt, but she’s become worried about me (naturally) and I just feel so bad about telling her my inner problems that I decided to stop. I don’t connect easily with people, I am practically a loner, I’m quiet, shy, prone to just thinking and daydreaming. I can’t afford a therapist, I don’t take drugs or anything of the sort, it’s just the feelings that gets to me. Does anyone have advice? Has someone felt the same way? School is about to start and I just want to feel better. *sigh* I think it would be best if I just give into the night, I don’t think I will ever be happy. Why live if you already know how your life is going to turn out?