Don't Know What To Do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Morning_Glory, Jan 23, 2008.

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  1. Morning_Glory

    Morning_Glory Member

    As I’m typing this it’s late at night and I don’t know what to do. Lately everything has just been going down for me and I just feel so hopeless. I’ve been avoiding posting my problems here because in doing so I am acknowledging the feelings I have inside of me. Although I’ve always knew they were there, it’s different when you see yourself laid out in words in front of you which you have consciously and willing placed there. I just want someone to talk to because I’m not sure where to go.

    Long story short, I’ve always been down (I don’t know if I want to use the word depression because it seems too strong, but perhaps that is the case so I will use it anyway), ever since I was little kid. Sometimes the feelings, the impenetrable sadness, the strong desire to be alone, the thoughts and desire to want to die, would plague me and I would just feel miserable. Other times it would be like I never felt that way and I am filled with hope. Since I can remember, it was always like this, up and down, some days filled with sorrow, other days it would be like it wasn’t even there. Lately though all I feel is sorrow. And all I want to do is die, but I don’t want to hurt anyone because of my absence.

    I just don’t think I’m right for this world. I want to leave, I want freedom, I want to leave everyone. Sometimes it's such an effort to eat, sometimes I don’t want to eat at all, lately I haven’t been able to sleep, night after night thinking and thinking . . . of ways to push people away, of ways to end my life. I want to buy sleeping pills so I can get a good night's rest so the thoughts would stop, but I’m apprehensive about it because I believe I would be tempted to overdose.

    I told a friend how I felt, but she’s become worried about me (naturally) and I just feel so bad about telling her my inner problems that I decided to stop. I don’t connect easily with people, I am practically a loner, I’m quiet, shy, prone to just thinking and daydreaming. I can’t afford a therapist, I don’t take drugs or anything of the sort, it’s just the feelings that gets to me.

    Does anyone have advice? Has someone felt the same way? School is about to start and I just want to feel better. *sigh* I think it would be best if I just give into the night, I don’t think I will ever be happy. Why live if you already know how your life is going to turn out?
     
  2. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    i know the feeling. ever since i was a kid, i would do things any way but the right way, and always end up screwing up, no matter how hard i tried. and to make things worse, my dad is always telling me how he did this and that when he was my age, but he doesnt understand im sick and very weak. i started to tell my friend i wanted to die, all she says is encouragment, she says i shouldnt keep things bottled inside of me. but its so hard to trust people..sooo hard. ive learned not to trust people. but it hurts so bad being by myself, keepingn everything inside as to not burden my few friends i have. ive only told one of my suicidal thoughts, but not anything thats going on. i have one friend who can tell you what the meaning of e=mc2 means but he couldnt tell you he was ever in love..he wouldnt understand anything im going through, hes always so optimistic about things, but hes not sick. its not fair!! i only have about 3 freinds, and only 1 sort of close. ive just been so screwed over and looked down on by people whats the F**ING sense in trusting anyone? as for school, i couldnt even pay for it this semester. things are so F**ING BAD RIGHT NOW!!!
     
  3. Morning_Glory

    Morning_Glory Member

    I always do the right thing, even when it hurts. I strongly believe in the saying: treat people how you would like to be treated yourself, and when I do all I get back is inconsideration, thoughtlessness, and indifference. It makes me wonder what's the point in being so kind. But like an idiot I continue to do it anyway. People just take advantage of you.

    Lately I've been wondering what exactly makes a friend. Sometimes I think I have none, other times just several. I never had a lot to begin with so it's not that many to choose from. Right now I would say I have 3 friends, but out of them only one truly tried to understand how I feel. But I don't even want to talk to her anymore. How can you talk to someone whom you hurt and worry and yet want so badly to be there for you? I keep thinking of ways to push her away, I think it would be best :/

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation Angel. Perhaps you can make use of your time out of school. Maybe you can get a job, establish your independence more. I can't even tell my parents how I feel. They belong to a different age, they wouldn't understand what goes on inside.

    It's so hard, I just want to be alone and yet I want someone there. In every possible way I try to look at my life in the future it always ends up miserable. I feel like I'm wasting time being here, I feel as if death is the only solution. I know that if I don't kill myself now, there's a strong possibility I will wind up doing it in the future.
     
  4. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    i can relate to everything you sid so well, i cant tell my parents how i feel either, they wouldnt understand, theyd just have me commited to a crazy hospital, or something really really bad would happen and my parents would get divorced. problem is i want someone to know,i want someone there,but its so F***ING hard to trust soemone. Im so scared of just being looked down on agian. i have no friends who truly understand how i feel, more of all i do not wish to burden my problems on other people. its weird, i was just thinking i could just go downstairs and just overdose on something bad, swallow it down with some brandy, and mix the two to end everything, it would be so wonderful, so great, to just F**ING die.
     
  5. Morning_Glory

    Morning_Glory Member

    It seems as if majority of your problems stem from your parents. I think it is there where the solution lies, or at least the beginnings of you feeling better. Perhaps if you talk to them (I suggest talking to the one you get along with most first), telling them how you feel, what you want to happen and how it would effect you, slowly and patiently, I think they would try to begin to understand you or at least see things from your point of view. You also need to work things out with your father especially, what made things get the way the are with you two?

    Suicide isn't going to solve anything Angel. You seem frustrated, perhaps that's why you have suicidal thoughts, but I sense hope with you, and if you work hard at it I believe you can come to some sort of resolution or the beginnings of one.
     
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