dont know what to do

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MissMisery, Apr 16, 2008.

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  1. MissMisery

    MissMisery Well-Known Member

    im a mess with bulimia. and i cant rest at the end of the day until i feel empty and can taste acid. im sick of it. sick of eating these massive amounts and repeating over and over all fucking day and trying to get to a safe feeling by the end of it all. im drained and my stomachs a wreck. feels bloated and full and gross all the time and my worlds over when i fail COMPLETELY and not get enough acid etc.

    im dreading tonight. im sick of being alone all day everyday. mum doesnt care shes selfish and nobody want s me around. i think about killing myself all day everyday between throwing up. and wish one day i had the guts.

    ive been lazy with it today dont feel ive done enough and so tired i have no strength to keep trying. im dreading it so much :(

    i dont know what to do anymore. feel a mess. so alone. and scared all the time. sick of looking at my stomach and waiting for that safe point onthe night. never relax never switch off and i need to end it tonight, need to knock myself out i need sleep i need a rest and i need to forget. im terrified of my own shadow im a big lame worthless idiot.

    argh.

    so painful my stomach im such a failure i deserve nothing less atm. gunna sort myself out and try and get a bit more up, then start drinking. havnt got a lot of drink but watever. and then take a load of pills. solpadol and paracetamols. done it before. but ive had heart palpitations all week and felt funny and my potassium is always low so cud be fatal if i do it right.

    ummm just getting them down will be the issue. il have to wait till later wen i feel less bloaty.

    wat a life. its the only thing im thinking about and worrying about even wen im planning od's always ruled by my fucking stomach and how empty it is :mad:

    fuck it. im glad i wont be getting up tomorrow and goin to buy binge food as usual, fuck it all im sick of it and everyone no point :mad: :'(
     
  2. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: Have you tried talking to anyone about how you're feeling? I know it seems like it won't help, but it can help if you find someone you feel comfortable with. And, hun, OD'ing hardly ever works, it just makes your organs get messed up, not pleasant, my PM box is open if you need to talk.
     
  3. MissMisery

    MissMisery Well-Known Member

    hey i know ive done it a few times never to try kill myself though just as a break but tonight i cant even do that feel so weird :s
    like coughing loads and then numbness everywer and dizziness and palpitations all day im scared and fed up dont know wats happening anymore.

    hot n bothered nd need a release but thers none


    ugh dunno.

    wish i ud do that.
     
  4. ASG

    ASG Member

    Seriously I know how you feel, I'm alone as well--with similar parental issues--and I have severe OCD which is a very close relative of Bulimia. We probably have the same brain chemistry but that's a lot of what it is, and it can be fixed and life completely transformed. Bulimia is not a behavior it's a sickness. Why would you hate yourself for being sick? Should everyone who is sick hate themselves and OD?

    I've never met you but it would hurt considerably to know someone I could love killed herself. You're obviously not someone driven by any of the things I hate about this world like lustful ambition, greed, power, vanity--I mean you're not superficial intellectually not that you aren't overly self-conscious about the way you look, which you are to a pathological degree. Give yourself a break, you're probably more attractive than you know. The self image you're seeing is extremely distorted.

    In France, the fashion and cosmetics capital of the world, a law was proposed recently that would criminalize any commercialism that encourages Annorexia Nervosa or Bulimia. The sad malevolent cruds who rake in profits by being a cancer on our culture encouraging girls and women to self-harm, in whatever ways, are pretty much souless and without a conscience. Do not let them ruin you. Let their lives be short and yours be long.

    Call someone okay, get some help. You can find the tranquility and peace you're seeking, in this life, and then you can find the joy you've probably never known. Don't you want to know what being a wife or a mother would be like? Having a family of your own? Watching your kids grow up?

    Don't make this world a worse place, you're conscious of so much so many will never know. Where and who will younger abused and neglected girls turn to when they start self harming? Who will understand what they are going through, why they are going through it? An over-worked social worker with an Associates Degree from some Podunk Community College? (Not that that wouldn't be a good starting point for some).

    Your's is only one life but maybe you will save or prevent the destruction of a hundred others.

    Everybody suffers, you've suffered a lot, but so have a lot of other people. It's not your fault. There are people who will love you, help you, heal you, but you won't find them by OD'ing.
     
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