Don't know what to do!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, May 26, 2008.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I was in the Supermarket earlier and I picked up enough pills to end it as I was planning on taking them tonight. Then I thought what a waste I had done a weeks shopping. So I abandoned them at the till.

    Feeling so stressed today. I am in a mood - lol. I am tired and very paranoid about everything.

    Had a letter from the person I saw at the hospital week before last when I took not enough pills as wasn't planned properly. Anyway she said I should go to some group thing to do with personality disorders called "stop and think". There is no way I am doing any group thing, I am not sitting there in a meeting with other people. Do they really think that when I wont talk to friends, bf and family that will sit there in a group and talk about how I feel.
    In the letter which has gone to my GP and also the guy who I saw back in October after I was in hospital for 3 nights. She asked him to get in contact with me. I got the letter Thursday so maybe he will call me this week, who knows.

    I am supposed to have a counselling session on Wednesday but I really don't want to go. I have not seen her in about 4 months and so much has gone on that I really dont want to start talking about it. It always makes me feel worse and I dont actually see that these sessions do anything. I said when I saw the crisis worker that I didnt want to talk to her as there was nothing that anyone can do. I have seen quite a few different people now and there is no one that I have seen really that has been any help so it just makes me feel like giving up.

    I am feeling so down and on edge at the moment and I really dont know what I can do with myself. It doesn't help tht on Thursday I passed out in town through too much alcohol. I hadn't eaten anything and I was feeling so crap that I was knocking them back. The guy found the letter in my bag from crisis worker and asked me how I felt I told him I didnt wanna go hospital and that I just wanted to go home and go to sleep and never wake up. Bad choice of words. he pinned me down to the trolley and made me go in. So what do I do??? Try and strangle myself with my bag and then give my self head injury and knock my self out - all i have now is a sore head where I was banging it on wall. They then made me go and sit in waiting room and I wanted to go but they took my bag and everything from me so I couldnt go anywhere as no keys and no money. I managed to get them back and some one from MH team was sent down. I told them I didnt wanna talk to them took my stuff and ran off.
    They made a nurse and security guard come after me but managed to get away. I then had a phone call as I was on my way home from them, silly me answered phone and when they asked if it was me I hung up. Not heard anything since! I know it was them as dialed 141 and called back and it was the switchboard of the hospital.
    I am just worried and overly paranoid that they are gonna send the men in white coats to come get me. So I am avoiding answering phone and I am not answering my door. Not that that would do anything I suppose as if they wanted to come get me they could do.

    I am overly paranoid at the moment and I am unsure of what I can do. Every door banging etc os just freaking me out! Having these werid dreams and sometimes I am struggling to differentiate what I have dreamt and what has happened.

    I really don't wanna go on Wednesday to counselling and I not sure about my medication anymore. I know that whoever reads this is just gonna say keep on taking them but I dont think they do anything.

    Also last night my BF mentioned that he had looked what I had been looking up online in my search history and said he was worried that he he seen that I was looking up different pills etc and how much it would take to kill me. Stupid me not deleting my search history. I just denied it and said that google is intelligent (not in so many words) but it does that thing where you type the 1st couple of letters and brings up rest of the word, sort of like predictive text. So he knows something, I didnt wanna talk about it as dont wanna put my problems on to him so I just left it at that.

    So now I sit here on Monday evening - tired, have a painful head still and overly paranoid and down and I just dont know what to do!!!!!
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    that was a bit of a long post really!
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i think your BF brought it up 'cos he wants to talk to you about how you are feeling... i've said it before, i think he wants to help. why not start by letting him know how you are feeling tonight.

    btw, i had a similar experience at the supermarket tonight. i thought... why am i buying groceries when i'm not even sure i'll make it through the next 48 hours... it's mad, but true!
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I was stood there at the till and i had loaded on the shopping and the 3 packets and all my other things. I had a fray bentos pie nd thought to my self I actually wanna eat that and try making a mustard mash to go with it and also a horseradish mash. I had brought both mustard and horseradish. I thought well, if they notice I have brought 3 packets they are gonna mention it and there was a q so looked pretty obvious what i was planning on doing and didnt want the embarrassment of being turned down so I just chucked em on to the nearest shelf. I spose I could have brought one packet and then gone back but thought if I brought one and saved it I may end up taking them and it wouldnt do anything other than make me sick.

    I am trying to think of other ways in which I can do it without taking pills and that aren't going to require me to jump off a bridge or something - although I nearly did on Thursday at the hospital - after I ran off I was stood on this bridge and hung on to the edge - the only thing that stopped me...where I would have landed was directly outside the front door to the Emergency Dept and was only about 20foot high so thought that it prob wouldnt work and I'd have just broke my leg painfully or possibly ended in a wheelchair.

    I have been looking in to poisonous plants etc that could possibly be mistaken for something else. There is one that is like something called comfy I think the real comfy is supposed to make you feel better but the thing that I would have instead causes very high potassuim levels. This way no one would know that it is suicide causing my family less pain.

    I managed to fob my BF off and he didnt take it any further and has mentioned nothing since so leaving it at that!
  5. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Hey, Goldenpsych! You're probably at the deepest part of depression. I know what that's like. I know what it's like to literally hate to see people, to constantly think about death, and to feel stuck in your own seemingly endless agony.

    You have a bright future. You may be a psychologist, helping people who are in positions like yourself right now. That's what you want, right? As difficult as life is for you right now, you're making it even harder on yourself. Could the hospital have done some good for you? Maybe not, as they tend to be extremely restrictive, but I think you're lucky that someone has found a group that could help you. Think of it this way: if the group doesn't benefit you, you can leave, just like that. But I think you should at least give it a chance. Maybe you'll make a friend, and even though that's probably not what you want right now, once you get out of the hole you're in, I'm sure you will change your mind. Also, you need someone who will listen to you and try to understand and help you, and that's what is sounds like the group will do. Your boyfriend must at least have some small idea of what you're going through, and you know yourself that he's worried. I understand you aren't in your right mindset right now, but try not to blame him for being worried about you. As for your medication, I wouldn't tell you to stay on it!! It seems like it can't possibly be helping you, or else you wouldn't be where you are now. Please make it a priority to see a psychiatrist so you can start a new medication regimen.

    I know this is an extremely hard time for you. PM me anytime.
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    So, who do I approach - I really dont want to go to my counsellor as I dont get anything from it. Do I contact the Dept of Psych Medicine and ask to speak to the people who I ran away from on Thursday. I dont know where to go. My doc is very reluctant to do much and just wants me to keep going with pills. I really don't know where to go from here. I would like to feel happy again, I would like these suicidal urges to go but I cant see how.

    I am really not for the whole group thing - type in "Stop and Think" in to google and you will see why it does not appeal to me.

    I really cant face Wednesday. I really like the counsellor and I just feel there is more now than a counsellor patient relationship - I think it is as we are quite similar personality wise. I think I may cancel the appointmnt.
  7. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    How long have you been seeing your counsellor? Its strange because I was thinking the exactly same thing today..cancel my appt (which i already have) because i didn't know what I was getting out of counselling...but when ever i miss an appt i go down hill very very very quickly, so althuogh i don't feel its helping it must be!?

    Is it not good that your counsellor has a similar personaility to you? My counsellor does with me, and sometimes it helps, it helps cause when things get toooooo difficult she can take me back and knows how to get me to come back to the here and now...

    have you spoken to your counsellor about how ur feeling?
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    people don't notice anything, even right under their noses. i sat on the bus home two weeks ago popping sleeping pills out of their casings and into a little baggie (that i have been dragging everywhere with me)... just in case i had an "emergency" (as in total emotional meltdown) and i needed to take the pills by the handful. nobody on the bus noticed or paid me the least little bit of attention.

    please don't jump. some day you are going to collect all of these sad/funny moments and put them into a screenplay or short story collection.

    instead, please send me some recipes! the zyprexa is giving me the munchies.....
  9. Pensive

    Pensive Well-Known Member

    Ask to get the appointment rescheduled or do it over the phone? If you don't want to go, don't I say, if it was me I'd do what makes me feel best.

    As for Stop and Think if it contains group therapy would be a nightmare for me so I don't blame you for running a mile from it.

    As for the supermarket thing: Most till operators have to handle a certain number of customers per hour at the peak times so if they had time to look through all the inventory of your shopping it'd drop and they'd get in trouble. As well as that people buy odd stuff all the time in them, in some 24 hour places I've seen people turn up in Pyjamas to get milk etc. Odd really
  10. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure which "stop and think" program you're referring to. Even if it doesn't appeal to you, you may want to try it. If you're really sure it's not for you, please find another support network of some kind. You need help now. Also, your psychiatrist doesn't sound like he's being proactive. You deserve someone who will treat you properly. Your last post was much less negative than your first, which is refreshing to see, because it shows you want to be helped. I know it's easy to get away from that thought, but you do need help, and there's nothing wrong with that. You remind me of the way I was feeling about a year ago. One day can feel like two weeks, and everything can be numbingly dull, but it won't last forever. You will be okay!
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2008
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Group therapy is my worst nightmare. Ok, on here I can say yes I have problems - it is easy, no one knows me. There is no chance of anyone finding out what I am feeling and then the weird looks. But to go to a group thing it is different - like I spose AA meetings. I have this conception - maybe a misconception that it would be like an AA meeting - not that I have been to one where you stand up and go Hi, my name is ??? and I am wanting to die and am probably slightly crazy! I need more pills as I have about run out so need to contact doc again - also need a note from him to say why I haven't done exams so I can get special sits. I cant really ask him for much more other than giving me prescription for pills. So just dont know who and how to approach now!

    I dont think I am going to go on Wednesday, I think I will write a letter maybe or just call and say I cant make it. I don't know.

    Recipe - umm - a Nice thing I made today - with all my shopping -
    1 Onion
    5 Carrots
    2 large Sweet potatos.
    Teaspoon of hot chillie powder
    small handfull of fenel seeds -

    Cut onion up and fry with butter - but not so it burns. Peel carrots and potato and chop and throw in with fenel seeds. Just so it lightly coated.

    Once everything is lightly coated move in to a big pan - add about 2 litres of water and add chillie powder.

    Once carrots are soft liquidise all together and you have a very nice soup. Also if you like corriander you can add this.

    It makes a very nice soup!
  12. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Well, I did group therapy for months. The way it generally works is you don't have to do much talking. Yes, you will be pressured to introduce yourself, but if you say a few words, nobody is going to look down on you. They have their own worries and issues! You can listen to the people who feel comfortable in the group, if there are any. If everyone is new to the group, there will be awkward moments, but it won't be just you. A lot of the pressure will be put on the person leading the group. I think you should try it, because you'll see that it's not just you who is suffering. You must really love cooking. I guess it's a good escape for you.
  13. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I just like trying new things out in the kitchen - I like my food so I am always trying to come up with new healthy things - spag bol and chicken dinner can get quite boring after a while.

    Looking at the website for this group thing is does mention self referals and also that you talk to someone on your own 1st about things so maybe I could try that and find out more info. I am hoping that I get a call tomorrow offering me appt at the hospital with the guy that I like there as the letter was also sent to him. But who knows!
  14. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    And the one thing that gets to me most is I don't see any reason why I feel like I do. I am no different to anyone else my age, so I am doing uni work and normal work and have money worries but doesn't any other student and they don't react like I have. Even now after i have decided to put uni off til end of August I am still feeling as bad as I was before which makes me think that it is not exams and finals etc.

    I hate my body as I am over weight but then don't most people - you dont see everyone who is overweight trying to kill themselves.

    I hate the way when I speak to people they always go back to childhood - I just think it is such a Freudian way of psychology that is outdated. I wasnt abused, ill treated. In fact I had a v ery happy normal childhood, yeh my parents agued, nearly ended up getting divorced once but then they worked it out.

    I am in a happy relationship with my BF.

    I get so angry with my self as dont know what is triggering it and I cant put my finger on what may be causing it.

    I wanna go in to Clinical Psychology or Forensic Psychology - if I go in to Clinical I will be one of those people that try and see what has caused it. Dunno if i would be good in that field or not - who knows!
  15. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    You're severely depressed, and I think your main focus should be on feeling better. You can't control depression, so comparing yourself to other people your age doesn't make sense. Like diabetes, it's not something you can help right now. But once you get on the right track, you'll wonder why you were so down in the first place.
  16. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It just makes me so angry though as I need to cause - if there is a cause there is a cure!? Maybe?
  17. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    There may be triggers which have set you down this path, but now that you're struggling, there's not a simple thing that can suddenly undo your pain. It takes time to get back into the right frame of mind. Fortunately, there are some things that we've gone through that may speed up the process: therapy, medication, and a support network of some kind. Also, distracting yourself from the pain can be a good temporary solution. Antidepressants do take a long time to kick in, but there are other medications which can kick in sooner. Maybe an atypical antipsychotic or mood stabilizer would help you? Ask your doc.
  18. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    It is hard to talk about in person though. You get like 10mins with the doc for appointment. Now I have word on the computer I should email or print the posts off here and send them in so that he can read them before I go in. I am hoping I will be given an appointment with the Social Worker at the Hospital. That is an hour appointment I can prob get more across.

    I thought i may feel better today but I didnt sleep well last night again. I have run out of sleeping pills now but doc didnt want to give them to me really in 1st place so doubt I would get any more. Maybe need something more long term. I'll just hold out for appointment at hospital I think. I am hping I will get a call today or a letter tomorrow.
  19. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Does anyone get that nervous energy where thy feel on edge and paranoid. I don;t know what to do with myself when feel like this. I am feeling sick as of the cigs I have smoked. Sometimes when I have felt like this I have cut to release the energy or tension or what ever it is. I think I may put some loud music on and tidy. I just feel so worked up.
  20. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Don't think my flat has ever been this clean and tidy. Put some My Chemical Romance on really loud and just got on with it - i did the jobs I never do like polishing my shelves in my room and actually pulled the hob apart and cleaned every tiny bit. Felt some sort of release by cleaning so much. Now I dont wanna cook or anything though as will make mess. I was looking forward to my mustard mash 2.
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