I was in the Supermarket earlier and I picked up enough pills to end it as I was planning on taking them tonight. Then I thought what a waste I had done a weeks shopping. So I abandoned them at the till. Feeling so stressed today. I am in a mood - lol. I am tired and very paranoid about everything. Had a letter from the person I saw at the hospital week before last when I took not enough pills as wasn't planned properly. Anyway she said I should go to some group thing to do with personality disorders called "stop and think". There is no way I am doing any group thing, I am not sitting there in a meeting with other people. Do they really think that when I wont talk to friends, bf and family that will sit there in a group and talk about how I feel. In the letter which has gone to my GP and also the guy who I saw back in October after I was in hospital for 3 nights. She asked him to get in contact with me. I got the letter Thursday so maybe he will call me this week, who knows. I am supposed to have a counselling session on Wednesday but I really don't want to go. I have not seen her in about 4 months and so much has gone on that I really dont want to start talking about it. It always makes me feel worse and I dont actually see that these sessions do anything. I said when I saw the crisis worker that I didnt want to talk to her as there was nothing that anyone can do. I have seen quite a few different people now and there is no one that I have seen really that has been any help so it just makes me feel like giving up. I am feeling so down and on edge at the moment and I really dont know what I can do with myself. It doesn't help tht on Thursday I passed out in town through too much alcohol. I hadn't eaten anything and I was feeling so crap that I was knocking them back. The guy found the letter in my bag from crisis worker and asked me how I felt I told him I didnt wanna go hospital and that I just wanted to go home and go to sleep and never wake up. Bad choice of words. he pinned me down to the trolley and made me go in. So what do I do??? Try and strangle myself with my bag and then give my self head injury and knock my self out - all i have now is a sore head where I was banging it on wall. They then made me go and sit in waiting room and I wanted to go but they took my bag and everything from me so I couldnt go anywhere as no keys and no money. I managed to get them back and some one from MH team was sent down. I told them I didnt wanna talk to them took my stuff and ran off. They made a nurse and security guard come after me but managed to get away. I then had a phone call as I was on my way home from them, silly me answered phone and when they asked if it was me I hung up. Not heard anything since! I know it was them as dialed 141 and called back and it was the switchboard of the hospital. I am just worried and overly paranoid that they are gonna send the men in white coats to come get me. So I am avoiding answering phone and I am not answering my door. Not that that would do anything I suppose as if they wanted to come get me they could do. I am overly paranoid at the moment and I am unsure of what I can do. Every door banging etc os just freaking me out! Having these werid dreams and sometimes I am struggling to differentiate what I have dreamt and what has happened. I really don't wanna go on Wednesday to counselling and I not sure about my medication anymore. I know that whoever reads this is just gonna say keep on taking them but I dont think they do anything. Also last night my BF mentioned that he had looked what I had been looking up online in my search history and said he was worried that he he seen that I was looking up different pills etc and how much it would take to kill me. Stupid me not deleting my search history. I just denied it and said that google is intelligent (not in so many words) but it does that thing where you type the 1st couple of letters and brings up rest of the word, sort of like predictive text. So he knows something, I didnt wanna talk about it as dont wanna put my problems on to him so I just left it at that. So now I sit here on Monday evening - tired, have a painful head still and overly paranoid and down and I just dont know what to do!!!!!