don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Malcontent, Jul 22, 2008.

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  1. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    What am I supposed to do when I'm really suffering and have no one to turn to? No one who I even half trust to talk to is around. I'm not angry, I can't expect everyone to hang around always, waiting for the moment when I finally open up. But I feel like I'm falling and there's no one there to catch me. I should do it myself, but I've been holding myself up for months cos I hate being a burden and I'm just not strong enough right now. I can't talk to someone I don't know, my trust issues are just too great. And I can't type my thoughts here, it's far too triggering and I'm afraid of the reaction. I need to talk about my anger and the reasons why I want to kill myself. I need to talk about how I nearly did it today and the ease with which I can get access to a pretty much fool-proof method. 6 days to wait and I'll have what I need in my hands, I don't know if I'm strong enough to resist it. I have absolutely nothing to live for. I'm not ok, I'm so far from ok that ok isn't even a speck on the horizon. I can't do this, I can't keep it all in anymore.
     
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry you feel like you have no one to turn to, or that you can open up to.

    Considering you've been here for a while, I'm guessing you've posted about this before... I don't know the whole story but...
    have you tried talking to a therapist? Could you confide in them? Always helped me. I always thought I could catch myself but I started therapy and all this stuff came out that really needed to. If there's no one else maybe they can help.

    Hope you don't get that stuff in 6 days and you stay with us :hug:
     
  3. needanangel

    needanangel New Member

    I just registered because I feel the same way. I know there are people who do love me but I can't feel it and I don't care anymore. I have fought depression for so many years and I'm so tired. I hold on and come out of the more severe episodes then sink back again. It doesn't work anymore when others tell me to look at what I have to live for. It actually never worked but made me feel enough guilt to keep going on as before.

    But I didn't want to post. Just read. I read your post and something reached me. That this despair is not my mine alone. Someone else is sitting here, in a different place, but having the same feelings and thoughts. My first reaction was Wait, stop! I had to wonder at my own arogance in thinking of what someone else should do but thinking the same advice doesn't apply to me. It almost put a smile on my face. Almost.

    But your post did make me think. The only thing that stays the same is that everything changes. I have come out of these depressions before. The problem is that I'm not doing anything to ensure they don't come again. I get by and maintain until the next time. Never really happy, just holding on.

    We must find an answer. How to break this and not let it break us. Your post did one thing. It made me stop feeling about myself for a moment. It made me start thinking instead of just feeling. You did that.

    I had my plan in place too. Not a time or a date, just a plan. If I can't take another minute. It sounds so trivial but just knowing you are out there too, helps a bit. I'll wait. Will you do that too?
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Sorry for your feeling that way.
    If you ever want to talk then feel free to PM me anytime.
     
  5. no point

    no point Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way and that you feel like you have noone to turn to. As fromthatshow suggested, could you maybe start seeing a therapist? I also have major trust issues so I understand what you mean when you say you can't open up to anyone. But, I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years and she's helped me a lot even though I still cannot open up to her %100. So anyways, if you need to talk or anything please PM me.
     
  6. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel.

    Mal you have been there for me now it is my turn to be there for you.

    Sam
    xxx
     
  7. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    Aww sweet mally :sad: i really feel exactly the same, thats why im back on sf, hoping.., i dont know what im hoping for, i guess someone i can trust, i can tell everything thats on my mind, sometimes i just cant hold it longer and i let it out here, but afterwords i feel like such a burden, such a whiner. Dear mal, i know you for almost 2 years and we never really talked, but hun you can always turn to me, doesnt matter when, how or for what. I dont think you will do it, because of your trust-issues, at least thats why i cant, but i really hope you do, pm me, mail me, add me, i dont care, im here for you!
    (marloser@live.nl)
     
  8. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I wasn't gonna write any more in this thread, I've locked all my feelings up again and I'm ashamed of myself when I go off like I did yesterday. But it wont stay locked up. I feel like I'm heading for another breakdown. I just feel so isolated and I hate my life so much. I know if I'm not happy with my life I should go and do something about it, and I could do that. But it's what to do that gets me every time. I have this burning need to do something worthwhile with my life, I know I've got it in me, I just don't know what. It doesn't have to be something huge I just need to make a difference somehow and I've realised that this need drives everything I do. I have no purpose in my life right now and my life is nothing without that. I'll be 23 next week and as far back as I can remember I've wanted to do something special, but in all that time I've never managed it. I have such big dreams and ambitions but they never come true. It's not that I don't try, I wear myself down with trying. Sometimes it's me that fucks things up, but often it's circumstances outside my control. Maybe it's just that I haven't hit on the right thing yet, or maybe I should go for my biggest dream but if that doesn't work there will really be no hope left. The fear of failing at that is just too great. I'm so tired of trying again and again and just failing every time. I so badly want to die and one of the few things that stops me is that I wont leave behind anything that matters, but I don't know how long that will keep me going. How long before the hopelessness outweighs the hope. The way I'm feeling at the moment, not long.
     
  9. Vitreledonellidae

    Vitreledonellidae Well-Known Member

    same here, i'm to scared to try to make that dream come treu, to scared i will fuck it up. I actually talked with my therapist about it this week and she says i need to take risks, life means taking risks, i cant hide myself from everything and everyone. Anyway maybe you can start small, be a volunteer at an animalshelter or whatever you like. I would like to hear more about your dreams and ambitions.
    And you so dont have to be ashamed, Im glad you responded, letting it out helps, tho lol im sorry, Im not a good advicer.
     
  10. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    I wish I could say more but I'm scared of being ridiculed. Every time I take risks I end up regretting it, my health is too bad for me to do much of anything at the moment as well. I just feel like I'm floating through a life with no meaning, and I hate it. I hate me, I feel like such a waste of space. I think I should shut up, keep all my thoughts and feelings locked up and just keep quiet.
     
  11. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    You can always e-mail me, mate, if you don't feel like you can post here.. I'll PM you my e-mail address :)
    While it can seem like it's a good idea to lock up feelings inside, often, it's only when we feel totally safe and trusted, and unjudged that we can bare our innermost thoughts and feelings - as I say, you can post here, or you can always e-mail me.
    You're a top bloke, and although you may not believe that, there are many here who would agree with me when I say that.

    You take care of yourself :hug:
     
  12. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    I think a lot of people feel scared of being ridiculed. please try to let it out. not every risk you take will end badly.

    remember that you're among friends here, not only that, but friends with empathy and understanding.

    Hang in there, it will get better.
     
  13. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Mal, :hug: I am sorry you are feeling so bad right now. If ever you need to talk, pm me. I know we haven't talked much but im here for you anytime.
     
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